State of Grace

2011-02-07T15:37:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite things in the whole entire world is...Christina's little brother. And yes, Christina. Because she is super awesome too. But you just cant compete with an almost-three-year-old (dont tell her i said that). When i was super sick last weekend she called me and let him talk to me and it made me feel a million times better (we are studying hyperbole in class and my kids totally would have caught that one). He also skyped me so he could show me his new pex despensers. How awesome is that?

So lets see...my week in bullets
*love third grade still. Although I have had two allergic reactions since i've been there and dont know what causes them.
*Took over language arts and we have been doing a figurative language unit. Tons, tons of fun.
*Two big things tomorrow. I get neighbors! (three more CC students doing field experiences!) And i get my first official observation. Not too nervous though. Dr. A seems pretty rad.
* Got super sick last weekend. But Nathan and Christina made me feel way better. My suitemates helped. They brought me soup
*Stressful day last week=pineapple rum. Yes, it's my happy place. Drank on Thursday night....and Friday night...which leads me to
*Job interview with Richland 2 on Saturday morning. It went well i think. i was pretty excited.
*Went home to work at the gym on Saturday afternoon. It was the annual father daughter dance. Spent the entire day filling balloons with helium to fill up the basketball court. Tied so many that my fingers went numb. Chaperoned the food table. Then spent about twenty minutes sucking helium out of balloons and talking in funny voices. Yeah...we take our job seriously. For real though. We do.
*Tried to finish Weeds with Christina. Fell asleep (of course). Was woken up by an trouble making two year old. :D Who i spent my morning with.
* Sunday lunch with my mom and dad for daddy's birthday
*Got new contacts!
*Internet out on campus so drove around Cola on a Wifi hunt

aaand that leads me to today.

Hey guys :)

check out my tumblr
http://memoryanddesire.tumblr.com/

PAH-TEE!

2011-01-25T18:11:00.000-08:00

So in the third grade there are a few foreign (Asian...not sure from where exactly...) students who are pretty new and have been learning English this year. Most of the time their English is good but sometimes we just dont know what they are talking about

like today during recess one of the boys was trying to go back inside. One of the teachers stopped him and asked what he was doing. He looked at her and as serious as could be said "Eat pizza, drink soda! Pah-tee!" She (confused) asked him to repeat himself. He started jumping up and down yelling "Eat Pizza! Drink Soda! Pah-tee!!"

She looked at me, shook her head, kind of laughed and said.."I'm not sure if he has to pee...or if he wants to have a party..."

Oh fun times in third grade

Itchy, Tired, Excited, Sleeeepy

2011-01-24T13:11:00.000-08:00

So let me just start off by saying I havent been sleeping well lately. And by not sleeping well I mean I will wake up every thirty minutes, have very vivid dreams and therefore wake up exhausted. The dreams are always pretty similar and although good ones, I wish they would cease. Somethings you just don't need to be reminded of, at least not on a regular basis.

Anway, that was the case last night. Tried to go to sleep by eleven like a good teacher. Woke up around 12 and stayed awake until after two. Woke up ever half hour or so and when my alarm went off at 5:45 I was not a happy camper.

On an upside. I love student teaching so far. I mean i havent even been in the class a full week yet, but my cooperating teacher is incredible and my kids are, despite being full of ridiculous amounts of energy and a little mischievous, super sweet (for the most part). Everyone i have encountered around school seems pretty helpful too.

There is one little girl who loves (excuse me, adores) blue butterflies and anything chocolate. She is usually pretty good but she never, ever stops asking questions. Right now they are doing a research project and she must have half a dozen books on her topic yet she almost refuses to look stuff up on her own. This isnt going to fly.

Another little girl I really enjoy having in the class reminds me so much of myself when i was in third grade. She always has a random fact to share, she walks down the hall reading a book, she plays with the boys at recess and she never brushes her crazy thick long hair. I would hate to have to comb that out :/

I havent gotten to know many of the boys that well but there are two that I think I am going to get along really well with. One of them plays travel soccer and he is kind of obsessed. He plays all the time, its pretty much all he talks about and writes about :) The other one isnt in my homeroom class but he will sneak out of his class to hug me and hang out while i teach. i have to literally run him back to his class.

Goal for 2011

2011-01-01T11:48:00.000-08:00

Get my life together...

whatever that means

:)

pretty excited

not a slacker!

2010-12-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

i mean...i am...kinda...but the serious lack of updates isnt my fault
My parents got rid of the internet! (and heat...but that one isnt really their fault)
So when I am at my parents house i can only get internet if i sit ridiculously close to the back door. (which i happen to be doing now) so i can borrow it from the neighbors. any kind of movement will cause the internet to poof out. Which is why it has taken about three hours to write two blog updates. Sorry guys.

I love you.
I miss you
rinse...repeat for all
Happy New Year.
dude just hearing "2011" whigs me out

~later days~

nerf wars!

2010-12-31T13:13:00.000-08:00

I got Christina a nerf gun because she said she coudnt remember the last time she had a nerf fight and i thought that was sad. Soooo....i fixed the problem and she spent the night attacking employess...and megan...and me... :)

Got nathan one too. just to make it fair. His is tiny for three year old hands. And he still has a hard time pulling the trigger. Such a cool kid.

We had a nerf fight today. He shoots himself with the gun because he can only pull the trigger with his thumb so he holds it backwards. He kept whispering to Christina to attack me. but the highlight was when he gave me his gun and said "attack sissy!"

really like this kid. anyway, it was a fun morning. Happy New Years Eve!

year in ups and downs

2010-12-31T13:09:00.000-08:00

January:
*I’m sure there was a New Years party of some kind…but I don’t remember it

February:
*It snowed. A Lot! And Miranda played in it with me even though she was sick 

March:
*up-Spring Break was amazing. Spent the week rebuilding a house with an incredible team.
*down-Sam’s mom got really, really sick 
*up-did some pretty intense praying which is something I hadn’t done in a while
*up-Sam’s mom got better
*up-my 21st birthday party was so much fun!

April:
*pretty much all of April was really good
*TF Trip to Beufort
*Hope’s 21st birthday
*Jenn officially comes out of the closet (oh snap)
*got into the cottages with my suite! And Sjaan and Sarah! Lots of happy dances

May:
*The beginning was good, the ending was bad. The end

June:
*down-took a chemistry class of doom
*up-passed the class
*down-had my heart fractured slightly (no worries, I’m a quick healer)
*up-solved that by skipping class and going to the beach

July:
*Spent the month in Mexico! It was incredible. My roommate was awesome, my family was super nice, Kristina always kept me laughing

August:
*came back to the states
*met a really cool kid at a bar..whose name I cant remember…don’t judge me. She moved …ok I know I suck.
*anyway, she introduced me to Alex..who introduced me to Lexie. Yay for new friends!
*started school back-got to see my favorite people!
*down-started missing Morgan 

September:
*Pride!
*meeting new people especially Cortney and Dana (once again yay! For new people)
*my kindergarteners!
*Pop-culture conference with Sam and Hope. Good and bad all the way around 

October:
*honors conference. gooooood times =]
*Umm…Halloween?

November:
*down-drama, drama, drama
*up-I have the best suite ever
*up-Christmas lights with Becca!
*up-Black Friday shopping with the cousins!

December:
*Christmas tree lighting
*fun times with the suite
*tattoo!
*back to work
*back to hanging out with people I don’t get to see when I am in school
*I couldn’t ask for a better support system than my cousins (the Fourwheeler) the rest of my family thinks we are insane

I can't be what you want

2010-12-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

So i decided to be myself
..and I'm so much happier

I'm not a dyke
I will never be one

Yeah...she's pretty attractive. But she isn't me. Sometimes (ok usually) i'm in a jeans and t-shirt mood (don't we all have those?) But sometimes...

I like pretty dresses and nail polish that changes colors in the sun. I like straightening my hair and wearing pretty rings that sparkle when i move my fingers around. I like heels. I like anklets and earrings that jingle. i like smelling like christmas <3 and in the spring i like smelling like flowers.

I'm a low-maintenance kind of girly-girl
and...i like it <3

*disclaimer-yeah I know that dyke has a negative connotation, that's not the way I am using it. I also know that not everyone uses it to mean "butch" and in this context, I'm not really using that way either. It's hard to explain, but if you've been where i am, you probably have a good idea of what I am talking about.

*sigh*

sad that i have to add a disclaimer to my own blog?

here's the deal...

2010-12-01T11:19:00.000-08:00

I didnt have internet over Thanksgiving break, and it is, as you all know, Hell Week at school. So...sorry for the SERIOUS lack of updates.

Thanksgiving break was fun. Got to catch up with one of my good friends i havent hung out with in what seems like AGES. Dinner with the family...all 50+ of them showed up :) Black Friday shopping with my favorite cousins...minus a few who were slack and stayed in bed *cough* Lora, Victoria *cough* still love them though.

So...despite it being hell week and all, the week actually hasnt been that bad. I am doing well. Most of my work is done. And my mood is quite a bit better than it has been in a while. I think I am going to chalk it up to seeing family/friends i havent seen in a while. And some lessons learned.

One thing I have discovered, "When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life." Yes, i did just quote mean girls. And i apologize. But it holds true. Sometimes you're the poison, some times other people are poison. You can't make everyone like you. Some people just won't. It is not worth it to harm yourself in your efforts to win approval. Forget that. If they don't know how awesome you are, then it's their loss.

Enjoy the friends you have. Love the life you live <3

Sometimes you need to roll down the windows and scream out the lyrics to your favorite song. Sometimes you need to dance around your room with your suite mate. Sometimes you need to blow up a friends phone with text messages, forget the paper and go get ice cream, or curl up in a ball and watch a Weeds marathon while trying to force yourself to do homework

Sometimes...it's the little things that make it better.
<3

My Earliest Memory

2010-11-21T20:03:00.000-08:00

I think something traumatic may have happened to me as a child, because i really dont have any clear memories until i was about 6. I have some sensory memories. I remember the feel of the plastic that covered the chains on the monkey bars at daycare. I remember the scrape of the concrete on my legs when we had to sit on the sidewalk outside. I remember the smell of the cedar tree in my grandmas yard that i used to always get stuck in. i remember begging my parents to take my brother back to the hospital..but eventually i fell in love with his tiny crying self. I remember my lion king bedroom slippers. I remember shuffling them across my hardwood floor because they were so furry and slippery. i remember going to my some unknown distant relative who was about a hundred years old's house in the middle of nowhere and thinking it was so cool that i could ride my bike all over the place and run around barefoot because i could never do that in charleston. I remember sea shells and rolly pollys and i had strange obsession with collecting both. I remember failing at piano lessons for years...but my daddy used to play catch with me while we waited for my brother to finish his lesson and so it was always worth it. I remember getting swimmers ear at least once a week for an entire summer. I remember getting lice so many times in the second grade that i wished the girl behind me would shave her head so she would stop bringing that crap back to school, but she was one of my best friends so i never said anything. I just sat there as my mom put the nasty bottle of RID on my hair yet again.

Deviation

2010-11-19T17:22:00.000-08:00

So I am still in the game, I have managed to update every day this month. I am just skipping todays topic again. Because they are all starting to overlap and if you guys dont know of any place I would like to go/visit/live...then you dont know me anyway.

A had a few very bad days this week. Well, two very bad days. And it has led to some self-reflection.

What happened was that I was going through a rough time and got some bad news. I dont like sharing my problems with people really, but i like them to be around. They dont necesarily have to say anything I just like the support. And at the beginning of the week i was feeling super lonely.

One of my problems is that i expect people to act in a way i would act, I hold them to the same standard i hold myself, and not everyone thinks or reacts the same way, and this sometimes upsets me.

This works against me in two ways. One, I often have unrealistic expectations for people. If someone asks me to do something, unless what I am doing is drastically important, I will drop it in order to help them out. You need food, done. A ride, alright. Help with homework...ok. I usually dont mind helping people out because in my mind i believe they will return the favor. And they do, just not always when i would like them to. If I really want/need someone i get upset when they are unable/unwilling to help me. I might not make it sound like a big deal, but sometimes it feels like one. I feel like if i drop everything for you, i deserve the same. But not everyone has that mindset. And that is ok. So what if I dont have anyone to go on a food run, stay up late to study with or just hang out when i am feeling lonely. It's not the end of the world. People are busy. I know (or at least think i know) that when i REALLY need them, they will all be there for me.

On the flip side I often try to treat people the way i would like to be treated in a situation and get a little upset if they are unappreciative. I have to remember that not everyone appreciates the same things i do and not everyone shows appreciation in the same way.

It's kind of like that love language thing. It's been a few years since i heard this, but i think it's something like: touch, time, presents, words...and something else i dont remember...and i'm just going off on tangents now anyway.

The point is, even when i am feeling ignored I have to remember that i have some of the best friends i could ever ask for, and even when we dont see eye to eye on some things, that doesnt mean that they dont appreciate me, or that i dont appreciate them.

2010-11-18T17:53:00.000-08:00

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

The mind is not a book, to be opened at will and examined at leisure. Thoughts are not etched on the inside of skulls, to be perused by an invader. The mind is a complex and many-layered thing.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Bullet your day

2010-11-18T14:50:00.000-08:00

my entire day?
this could get a little long...

part 1

*Woke up at 6:00
*Hit snooze button at least 3 times
*Grumpily got out of bed
*Took shower and felt much better about life
*Got ready for school
*Waited on my chronically tardy suitemate
*Went to kindergarten
*got a new student...he has a mohawk...legit
*Did school stuff
*Dove back to CC
*debated skipping math
*went to math
*Played with blocks
*Cut paper into tiny pieces
*End of class

Part 2

*Lunch!
*Sat at table by myself :(
*until Desirae told me fun stories from 1109
*Then Miranda came
*and Sam
* and the rest of the HP crew all decked out for HP day!!
*then Lindsey, Gena
*Class!!

Part 3

*Blind panic teaching fellow stuff
*Came to my room to find my roommate bundled up on the couch in the dark entranced by The Chamber of Secrets
*short nap
*turned into longer nap
*homework...mass panic...so much due tomorrow
*debated nonsense of going to movie when i have so much to do
*definitely going anyway....duh

Part 4
*had to find my car...becca parked her in the boonies
*DA necklace :)
*dinner...was yucky
*ASC-annamay and Hope
*Hope was strange and awkward and kept talking about her bellybutton
*smartboad practice
*Order of the Phoenix-hate Umbridge! hmmhmm
*2.25 hours until we leave for Potter-venture!
*slideshow done and lesson plan completed
*need to write my paper
*Miranda is going to starbucks :/

Part 5
*finished an assignment
*miranda brought me back coffee <3
*sjaan calls freaking out...seats are filling up and it's only 9:30!
*text Sam
*get ready...make sure Miranda is ready
*text Sam again
*dance around the room to Harry Potter songs
*call Sam
*leave!
*food
*theater
*CC party for 2.5 hours because we got there THAT early
*Yes..we took up 2 1/2 rows
*I give really bad directions
*THIS MOVIE IS REALLY IMPORTANT!!
*more food
*3:30 in the AM!
*sleep for 2.5 hours
* 5 hour energy
*new day :)

mix it up

2010-11-17T11:57:00.001-08:00

I-pod on shuffle: first ten songs...no matter what...

How to save a life ~The Fray
Adding to the Noise-Switchfoot
Broken Wing-Martina McBride
(want to) make a memory-Bon Jovi
Sk8er Boi-Avril
Everybody;s broken-Bon Jovi
Symphony number 3-Beethoven
Here Comes the Sun-The Beatles
There She Goes-Six Pence None the Richer
You're so Vain-Carly Simon

Yeah...slightly eclectic.
I think I am going to jam to sk8er boi now
:)

Addicted

2010-11-16T17:55:00.000-08:00

It runs through my veins
I hate how easily i get attached
Might not be his drug of choice
Or his liquid courage
But it's my own brand of poison
And i have him to think
For my weak genes

i was like...baby, baby, baby oh...

2010-11-16T16:38:00.000-08:00

:)
so the topic today is kinda of lame and a repeat. What do you want your future to be like...i'll some up in one word. Happy.

Moving on...(because i know i have at least one loyal reader and she deserves more than a one word blog)..i will write about tomorrow's topic, which will put me a day ahead, but who know's i might get slack later. If not, i'll make up another topic for day 30.

First love and first kiss..ready, go:

Definitely not the same person. No where close. I fell in love for the first time when i was 15/16...not sure, depends on the month of the year. I could tell you if i had old journals handy, which i don't. He was 18. He sang, played the guitar, wrote his own music. His poetry was really good. He could make me laugh, had a great taste in movie...he wore a cowboy hat you guys..a black one. *sigh*

i started off being friends with his younger sister. We were the same age. i soon realized i had more in common with him though. We became friends. For a while best friends. We would stay up until ridiculous hours talking about history and literature and watching old movies. We played computer games and shared books and were complete nerds. That kid won my heart without putting forth any effort whatsoever. Yeah...i fell for my best friend. It happens. To me.

He would tell me about all the girls he liked and i kinda wanted to hit all of them. mostly him though. Because i knew they werent compatible. None of them. He started dating this one girl i couldnt stand. Beautiful, perky, super nice (fake?). I really wanted to find a reason not to like her. But i couldnt. It was unjustified. The relationship didnt last long. But long enough to equate to one of my lowest points. And many, many upsetting journal entries that still make me hurt for the girl i used to be.

A few months later he started dating my best friend. I was super happy for her, she deserved to be happy with someone awesome. Not a lie. But seeing them together still hurt. So i started spending less time with both of them. he moved far away to college. And i thought i had gotten him out of my mind, but every time he would return i would fall again. Heels over head couldnt help myself. And anyone who knew me could tell we were more than friends no matter what i said. In fact the guy who was my first kiss (more on that later) was super jealous of him.

So what happened to Mr Amazing? i dont know...he's married now. I havent talked to him in about two years. I hope she is amazing. And i hope they are both ridiculously happy. He deserves it.

~* ~* ~* ~*

My first kiss...I was 18. It was the month before i started college. he was...quite a bit older than me. And to not bring up old drama, he was probably someone i shouldnt have gotten involved with. But it all kind of happened on accident. Yes, he turned out to be a major jerk. Yes, i hurt some people along the way. Would i do it again? ...i dont know. Maybe. He was kind of what i needed during that transition summer. My parents didnt trust me, my friends were irritated, the guy who really liked me and who probably would have treated me like a princess...i hurt him. I didnt mean to. Everyone has to have one of those right? Well, i did. And i cant change it now even if i wanted to.

~* ~* ~* ~*

The second guy i kissed was in September. The month AFTER I started college. Jerkface number one...well turned out to be a jerkface. He ditched me, my friend caught him sleeping with someone else. Then he called me two weeks later to apologize and Hope yelled at him. So...havent talked to him since although i see him around sometimes.
Back to the second kid...total rebound. I was two months from my first kiss and realized i liked it...a lot. So...what's a girl to do? Three weeks in i realized that just making out on a somewhat regular basis wasnt the relationship i wanted...so i said goodbye and proceeded to remain single for oh...three more years. Cheers :)

Oh.. side note...the two and a half year sabbatical sin kisses...worth the wait. I think i picked two that didnt know what they were doing. sad times for them.
~* ~* ~*

So I think I've been in love twice, kissed a few more people than that..and well...hmmm...all in all it's been an interesting ride. Hope this story was a little more interesting than the assigned topic. If there are any holes in my story let me know, I'll fill you in. just didnt want this to turn into a book.

thanks Dana :)

2010-11-15T17:56:00.000-08:00

A time when you feel most satisfied with life

<3

Times in my life i feel most satisfied are as follows, in no particular order:

*when my kindergartners wrap their arms around me, look me in the eyes and say "Ms Rose..i love you"

*When i go back to the MACK and one of my kids yell "Jenn! I missed you!!"

*When i fall asleep in the arms of someone i really like

*When i finish reading a really, really good book

*When i still hold onto my daddy's arm when crossing the road even though i am 21 years old

* When someone tells me that something i did made their day

*When I hear you laugh

*Dancing in the rain...especially when there is a bonfire

*spending Christmas at my grandma's house

*When we are in the car on the way to the beach, with the windows down

*When my puppy curls up at my feet

*When I'm laying on a blanket looking at the stars/fireworks

Any good time had with good friends results in a feeling of satisfaction :)

“You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time

2010-11-14T12:59:00.000-08:00

Day 7: My zodiac Sign

I'm a Pisces...I don't put much stock in astrology, but do i match my sign. Oh yes. It is actually really accurate see the following for examples:

Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic

On the dark side....

Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague

They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter. Pisces make great friends and mates. Pisces are extremely loyal and caring

It's a pair of Fish that represents Pisces, a symbol that prompts others to suggest that these people 'go with the flow' and 'don't make waves.' Both of these labels are true, since Pisces are fluid and easy-going

Pisces are compassionate, charitable and will quickly put the needs of others ahead of their own. It's this kind of self-sacrifice that keeps these folks going. The flip side to their giving natures is that the oft-timid Fish are likely to be taken advantage of by less well-meaning souls.

*Dreamer, forgiver, lover-Pisces often have wild sides that they rarely let others in on, seeing as they believe the unexpected is out of character.

Your sexuality is fantasy-driven and dynamite when stoked by the right mixture of wish-fulfilment, appropriate environment and emotional stimulation (not to mention alcohol!)You tend to idealise your partner,you allow your imaginative emotions to cloud your judgement when it comes to sexual attraction.

I think that was a snapshot from every section the website had to offer: personality,
friendships, relationships, and sexuality.

So in summary: I daydream...a lot..and sometimes i don't even remember from one second to the next what it was about. I love art/music/poetry anything creative. I like helping people. It keeps me sane. this sometimes leads to me being taken advantage of. I don't hold grudges, i can't. And i tend to put people on pedestals...and keep them there.

“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”

2010-11-13T16:00:00.000-08:00

30 random facts: (I’ve done this a few times so I will try to choose things not many people know)

1. I don’t mind if my socks are inside out
2. I am pretty good at public speaking because I can bs stuff without it sounding like it’s made up
3. I am a chronic insomniac. Have been for about 4 years…the only way I sleep well is if I am physically exhausted or am laying next to someone else
4. I love falling asleep outside
5. I have never been tempted to smoke…ever
6. However, the smell of newports is usually somewhat comforting
7. I over use the word “love” because I feel like life is a beautiful place that is underappreciated…although lately I have been trying to use words like “adore, admire…really, really like
8. I have been in love twice
9. I think I fell in love on the beach, and I blame the ocean

10. I believe teenagers can fall in love. I just believe they don’t have the discipline or actual desire to make it long term, which isn’t really a fault
11. I painted my nails black every day for an entire year, and once it hit a year (to the day it was January 3) I stopped. And don’t think I have had them black since…
12. I have a little sister, Victoria..and although she isn’t biologically my sister I will fight for her. She looks up to me and sometimes I worry that I’m not the best role model for her…

13. I used to wear bondage pants and chains…black one, red ones and dark blue ones (imagine that)
14. Whenever I am in an argument I tend to walk away to cool down because I hate people seeing me upset. I always hope that someone will care enough to follow me…to stop me. Even if they don’t know what to say they will hug me and validate my feelings
15. I hate when people talk down to me and say I’m irrational. I also hate being told that I’m acting like a girl. I am a girl. Why don’t you say what you really want to? I also feel that people’s emotions are only irrational if you aren’t the one feeling them. To the other person they may be completely rational.
16. I tense up when touched by someone I don’t know. I have to know you really well to let you hug me. Don’t take offense if you are a hug-y type person
17. However, sometimes I crave physical touch
18. I prefer homemade gifts to store bought ones. But if it is a store bought one…i love random little things that fit my personality. Something that shows you know me well
19. I will go out of my way to buy something for someone if I know they will like it. It’s a habit that leaves me broke often. But I love it
20. I find it adorable when a guy/girl uses cute-sy talk with their pets or with babies. It always finds its way into my heart
21. I still get the urge to break things
22. I can quote every line to While You Were Sleeping, and my mother and I do this often in normal conversation
23. I talk through movies…bad habit coming from someone who works at a theater but, oh well
24. I will go out of my way to make someone smile, because I never know what kind of day they are having/what their life is like. And sometimes the things you don’t know could break your heart
25. I give money to charities. I particularly love Angle Tree organizations
26. Christmas makes me super happy and super sad at the same time. But no worries, the happy usually wins out
27. I love having my hair played with
28. I attract creepers like nobody’s business. It’s insane how they find me. I think I have a neon sign that only they can see
29. I rarely ever cry about real life, but movies (especially sappy love stories, or ones with bad child/parent relationships) make me break down

30. I’m not ready to be a grown up

yes..i did just write a 1,000 word blog

2010-11-12T18:30:00.000-08:00

Day..5? A time you thought about ending your own life

Ready for an emotional rollercoaster of a post? …

Let’s see…in middle school I had abandonment issues. I was a very quiet moody angsty teen, but who isn’t at that age? It wasn’t really abnormal. As later middle school begot high school I turned into the sane one that was supposed to keep everyone else grounded. I had the same friends since elementary school, and I loved them all. But things started changing. While my friends starting to experiment with drugs and getting drunk I was playing soccer and on the drama team. They stayed out late, and I got up early for SGA and Beta Club meetings. They had after school sex…and I got an after school job…big difference. I taught Sunday school, worked AT LEAST 40 hours a week, played multiple sports and joined almost every club available. I didn’t want free time. Free time left me feeling empty. I eventually got tired of taking care of everyone and not having anyone offer me anything in return.

So I stopped…

And they noticed. One day one of my friends started talking to me about something that had happened that upset her. I wasn’t in the mood, and as usual felt she had brought it on herself and should face the consequences. Later I went to work. Apparently while I was at work I missed 6 calls from her, forcing her to assume I was mad at her/was no longer interested in being her friend. That night she tried to kill herself. Her family intervened and she was rushed to the hospital. I still have to force myself to believe that this wasn’t at least partially my fault. She recovered, we were still friends. But it shook me up. I blamed myself for a long time.

I didn’t know how to be the good kid anymore. I was two different people.
At school, at home, at church, at work…I was reliable, dependable, happy, well mannered, sensible, nice to everyone, incredibly goal oriented and hardworking. In my head I was a screw up that couldn’t seem to get her life together. I would cry for no reason, I would have burst of anger that I tried to hide. I would get an overwhelming desire to break things.

I stopped eating. I would go for days without eating anything solid. I thought I had it under control until I passed out one day at work. I got away with it by telling my manager I just hadn't eaten that day and was a little dizzy. She started watching me after that. I would often say I didn’t have money for food so she started buying me dinner a few times a week and watching to make sure I actually ate it. She was definitely a role model for me although some would ague she doesn’t have her life together either.

I had cut myself off and on since about 8th grade, but it got worse. I also got worse at hiding it. I was approached my assistant manager at work who talked to me honestly. He basically told me to cut the shit. I owe him a lot. He doesn’t know it, nor will he. We used to talk quite a bit hanging out in the parking lot outside of work. Back when days were slow and people weren’t incredibly fascinated by what went on in someone else’s life.

I ran a lot. I ran until it hurt. Then I would lay down until I could convince myself to get up and run again. This all went on for about 3 years…I’m not exactly sure. But ask anyone I went to high school with and I am one of the most amazing well-adjusted kids they had ever met. Anyway, one point I was trying to make is that throughout all of these self-destructive behaviors, I never tried to kill myself. I knew, or hoped, that it would get better. I wanted to leave and find some place to start over and that happened when I got to college.

Not at first, at first I was still a crazy mess, though I hid it well. I ended an unhealthy relationship, fell for somebody else. Didn’t tell anyone angst angst (it’s fun to think about now) because I knew it wouldn’t work. I talked to the school therapist on day on a fluke. And Mitzy turned my life around. She really did. I just…needed someone to talk to I guess. She told me it was ok to feel things, that I had tried all of these ways to stop myself from feeling because it hurt too much. So I decided to work on that. To let people in. to forget the small stuff because I realized it no longer mattered.

I am proud to say that I haven’t cut myself since November 2007. Actually…I think I two days ago makes three years  . That doesn’t mean I don’t get the urge...habits die hard. But now when I do I separate myself and go for a walk. I don’t care how cold it is, how hot it is, if it’s pouring down rain. I will leave and I will walk. And sometimes, people that know my story will walk with me. It feels really good to know that I have someone I can trust like that.

So that’s my story, sorry it was so long. Also sorry for lack of pictures.

I love you guys

Because I'm not a Cheater

2010-11-11T19:59:00.000-08:00

Day 4-What are your thoughts on God/Religion (or something to that affect)

There are just some things i cannot see without knowing without a doubt that there is a God in some shape/form/fashion. I can feel it, and i have a hard time believing people who say they can't i just feel as if it is something innate. As a Christian I believe in one God (he or she or whatever...i tend to believe God is non-gendered and gender is something assigned to mortals, which we assign to everything else because we can't comprehend differently). However, I respect other beliefs as well. I believe everyone has a right to worship in the way of his/her choosing.

As a child i was taught the Bible, i have read it through, can recap pretty much any story and have a large chunk of it memorized (KJV ofc). As i got older i realized that my parents form of religion may not be for me. Not that i disregard the Bible, I still turn to it for comfort or advice, but I have realized that although "inspired" by God it was written by men. Men with good intentions, but mortals nonetheless and their thoughts on God don't necessarily carry more weight than anyone else's.

My senior year of highschool i went through some hard times that i felt brought me closer in my relationship with God...yes we talk. Anyway...college changed that for me. I go to church occasionally, but i didnt really felt like i fit in at most churches. About 8 months ago, the week before spring break something happened that shook me up a little. My friends mom was hospitalized. it was a close call and it was really hard on her when everything was up in the air. I definitely prayed more in that week than i had prayed in the previous three years, and it brought me back to where i was at a prior point in my life. No matter what her thoughts/opinions of God are...she helped me reconcile with mine.

For extra reading (in case you are interested) I don't really like formal religion. Rules are what cause people to hate each other. Growing up i was always told that Christianity wasnt a religion it was a relationship...as i got older i realized that some of the people who told me that never acted on that principle for themselves. They were all about the rules, and if you didnt follow the rules, you werent allowed in their club. I didnt want to be in that club anyway. I found people that accepted me for who i was, and what i believed. open doors, open hearts, open minds.

That's how i want to live my life.

Oh yeah...and i believe in Angels
of all different kinds

There's a man standing on the corner
With a sign sayin "will work for food"
You know the man
You see him every morning
The one you never give your money to
You can sit there with your window rolled up
Wondering when the lights going to turn green
Never knowing what a couple more bucks
In his pocket might mean

What if he's an angel sent here from Heaven
And he's making certain that you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you going to pass that test
You can go on with your day to day
Trying to forget what you saw in his face
Knowing deep down it could have been his saving grace
What if he's an angel

First Date

2010-11-11T09:51:00.001-08:00

I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with.
Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you.
Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through.
Tell me what the word "home" means to you and tell me in a way that I'll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8.
See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones.
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow?
And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek?
Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they're sad, even if it makes your lover mad?
Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?
See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time.
I want you tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you've been cruel. Tell me knowing I often picture Gandhi at ten years old beating up little boys at school.
If you were walking by a chemical plant, where smoke stacks were filling the sky with dark, black clouds, would you holler, "Poison! Poison! Poison!" really loud or would whisper, "That cloud looks like a fish, and that cloud looks like a fairy"?
Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you don't believe in miracles, tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me?
See, I wanna know if you believe in any god, or if you believe in many gods. Or better yet, what gods believe in you. And for all the times you've knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you've asked come true? And if they didn't did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who[m]?
I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you're feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you're feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass.
If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? Would you think less of me if I told you I have lived my entire life a little off key and I'm not nearly as smart as my poetry I just plagiarized the thoughts of the people around me who have learned the wisdom of silence.
Do you believe that concrete perpetuates violence? And if you do I want you to tell me of a meadow where my skateboard will soar.
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people's wounds.
And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted to you could pop but you never would because you'd never want it to stop.
If a tree fell in the forest, and you were the only one there to hear it, if its fall to the ground didn't make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didn't exist or would you bask in the bliss of your nothingness?
And lastly, let me ask you this: if you and I went for a walk, and the entire walk we didn't talk, do you think eventually we'd kiss? No wait... That's askin' too much after all, this is only our first date.

Day 3-Life can be good

2010-11-10T10:35:00.001-08:00

To oversimplify my views of drugs and alcohol…if it’s illegal don’t do it. If it gets you so fucked up that it interferes with the rest of your life don’t do it. If it’s legal, doesn’t interfere with the rest of your life but leaves you with black holes in your memory…do less of it.

Ta-dah!

Ok…now more in depth. Alcohol first? I would like to say that I am against underage drinking. But the age varies on the country and other countries under 21 population tend to handle it just fine. I have two sides of this opinion which makes me comes across as a little hypocritical. For instance, I love my brother. But he, like most of his friends, isn’t old enough to legally drink. And when they do…they get loud and obnoxious, go out in public and cause problems. I don’t think they should be drinking. But that is more based on behavior rather than age. I have friends who aren’t quite 21 who drink. I am ok with this as long as they stay in their house and have fun/cause drama quietly. No worries.

Personally, I didn’t drink until I was 21 (unless out of the country where the legal age was different. I mean I had a birthday in Europe...who isn’t going to celebrate that?). I like to drink, I like to dance…and when I have a shot or two I let loose a little more, but when I drink I don’t drink excessively (ok, I’m not going to lie, I have before. But it doesn’t happen regularly at all. Waking up with holes in your memory is scary. I’m glad I have good friends.) In fact, 88% of the time I am the designated driver, which I don’t mind. When I say I don’t mind, I don’t mean that I don’t grumble about it, because sometimes I do. What I mean is I would much rather do that than get a phone call saying one of my friends is lying broken in a hospital. I have lost friends to drunk drivers and I would do pretty much anything to keep that from happening again. To those of you who think it’s alright to drive drunk. Grow up. You aren’t the only one who could get hurt. Call me if you need a ride.

Moving on…

Drugs: If they are illegal, don’t do them. Enough said. I don’t care if it’s not addictive, if it makes you feel good, etc. etc. I know it does. I just don’t want you to get into trouble. So much personal drama with that and it’s still fresh in my mind. When it’s legalized, knock yourself out. Just don’t think you are reaching a higher intellectual plain when you smoke. It’s actually just kind of funny to hear you babble your newly discovered philosophical thoughts. Do I judge people who smoke (pot) umm…I try not to. I really do. Because although I don’t agree…I understand that everyone has a vice. I just wish they could find a different one.

Harder drugs: stay away. They are addictive and gross. You will fuck up your life. Exhibit A: my uncle. You don’t want to end up like him….

In general: Just don’t let shit interfere with your “real” life because it becomes easy to forget that life can be good without pills, without alcohol, without drugs. And the truth is…life can be good. it can be very good.

Day 2-ten years from now..

2010-11-09T18:10:00.000-08:00

I went with the physical/literal aspect rather than getting all sentimental. And I just want to start with a disclaimer saying that I am in no way a ms cleo...thank goodness. I do not know where i am going to be in ten years. I have ideas of where i would like to be...but the truth is i follow my heart. If it takes me out west..so be it. If it leaves me somewhere in the south on a porch swing over looking some form of natural beauty...then I am alright with that too.

I adore porch swings. always have, always will. something about them says "home". Just because i like to leave, doesnt mean i dont like coming home...because i do.

Same as above. It says home. I kind of adore the idea of being able to hide somewhere no one could find me...unless they knew where to look :) Besides, does it tells me i'm warm, and cozy, happy...and safe.

Yes, it's Italy. I told Randa we would go back one day...a girl can dream big right?

LA...been here twice and loved it. There is a sense of artistic movement that is hard to recapture. I'm not sure I will live here for an extended period of time, but I will return. It's an odyssey of mine. A pilgrimage if you will. I feel like there is something to find, and that may be a good place to start.

Well...if the picture isnt enough, the words should be <3

Day 1-Current Relationship

2010-11-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

Wouldnt that be nice? ...can we go with hopeful? :p

time for the 3 month update?

2010-11-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

It’s been forever since I’ve updated. I was recently going back through my old myspace and found some awesome blogs that I forgot about and it inspired me to get back on and update because I like being able to look back at my life. I actually haven’t changed that much since high school in case you were interested. I mean people change…events, well they actually have a tendency to repeat themselves. And me...I’m just along for the ride.

So first off I would just like to say that I really miss Whitney James.  I haven’t talked to my best friend in weeks because life is so insanely busy and I hate it, especially since she has been going through such a hard time recently. She knows she can call me anytime though. Or at least her phone does, because I do get random voicemails when her pocket decides to hit the speed dial button  I love being on speed dial. And I love Whitney and I wish she was here so I could talk about all the crazy…stuff…that has been going on. Remember when I met you at the beach over the summer and it took me four hours to get there bc of that traffic jam (and because I went to the wrong beach…) and I skipped lab, but you convinced me to spend the night and I made it back in time for class the next morning even though I had to leave ridiculously early? Remember how we walked and talked and walked and talked and fell asleep by the water and how life was perfect even though in reality everything was so bad? Well I miss you. A lot.

Another thing I would like to discuss is romantic relationships. Or lack there-of. Whatever. I can’t believe everyone is getting married. I mean, I know that’s what people do after college, I guess…it seems to be the popular choice anyway...but I refuse to feel alienated because I don’t have the desire to do so. Some people say it’s because I haven’t met the right person yet, but honestly I don’t really have the desire to go out and find the right person. I blame my parents. Not sure why, but it’s what most kids do right? So passing the blame.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want a relationship. Yeah…a steady committed one might be nice. But really, sometimes all I want is someone to hold me. I am a believer that touch has healing powers. Sometimes you just really need a physical connection with another human being (one that you are physically attracted to doesn’t hurt). Relaxing, stress relief, exciting, maybe just a brief break from reality. So yeah…a relationship would be nice don’t get me wrong, but maybe not a necessity at the time. I’ve been contemplating the idea of open relationships ever since someone on facebook asked me what it meant. (For general information, I am listed as being in an open relationship with Morgan Lutz…which may or may not be true. I’m leaning towards may not, because as much as I love Morgan…my choosing of that status simply implies that sometimes I miss her more than I can put into words). So yeah…this open relationship thing…not sure if I quite get it. A little more than friends with benefits maybe? I mean I’m not against it as long as all parties involved understand what’s going on. Is that weird? I’m actually not sure all parties would be able to handle it…because as little as I do know about girls, I do know one thing. Jealousy. Don’t get me started. Anyway…

The friend with benefits thing…been there, tried that. Ok..maybe tried isn’t necessarily in past tense. Or maybe it is. I take things as they come with that situation…it’s far away now. Ok…so 90 some odd miles might not be far. But it’s whatever…especially when someone’s heart is in Nevada. As far as benefits go, don’t jump to conclusions. I’m not thinking what you’re thinking…and even if I was, it’s none of your business.

I do have a question though: is “using someone” still considered bad if both parties are using each other equally and are both aware of it? I mean if I don’t find it problematic…is it still a problem? I’m not sure. My moral compass has become skewed toward my own morals and maybe not things commonly considered moral/immoral. However…I think my moral standards remain pretty high. Just saying.

…I love ellipses…oh and according to one description of my astrological sign…Pisces come across as asexual…

So respond
To one, or several, of the topics above….or make your own topic

2010-08-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish i had tried harder to keep my columbia life and florence life seperated.

i dont want to be in florence
dont wanna
dont wanna
dont wanna

i miss my school friends
:(

Hey look at me :)

2010-07-20T19:41:00.000-07:00

I am updating again.

So I went to Mexico City for an excursion on Saturday, and i wasnt kidnapped or anything! Saw lots of amazing artwork because there was some kind of giant craft fair going on. Took tons of pictures. Loved it. LOVE. <3>

After the art exhibit in the park we went to a museum. Diego Rivera and Delores Olmedo. They didnt have much work on display, the coolest part of the museum was outside where there were peacocks walking around. So pretty. Once again, all pictures are on facebook.

After the museum we went on a party boat through some little river into a lake. there were lots and lots of party boats...Hmm...imagine Venice..a little more colorful, a lot more crowded and a little more fiesta. That's what it was. :D

I am getting tired of grammar classes...for real. My head is spinning there are so many tenses. Soooo many. Who would have thought? And i am starting to think with spanish subtitles. Everytime i have a thought i think "now how would i say that in spanish" oh goodness...

Let's see..yesterday was monday and we did..nothing. Well i watched another episode of the Lword and talked to chris and cat online. but besides that, nothing. I even forgot to do my homework...i know, i know. bad student

Today the other girls in the group were going to see Twilight. Leata and I had absolutely no interest in going whatsoever. So we were left on our own to figure out what to do. We originally wanted to walk to a super awesome waterfall but it started raining so we went bowling instead. we were a little scared the alley would be sketch but it turned out to be super awesome. they had the alley, a cool indoor playground for the kids, an arcade, pool tables, full service restaurant and something upstairs with big screen tv's. we didnt venture up there though.

Forgot that shoe sizes in the US and shoe sizes anywhere else are not the same, we had an interseting time trying to estimate if we were in the 20's...or not. :) Then we had to explain (I had to explain..bc Leata is determined to get me to talk more) that the lane was not working.

Eventually we got to play and i remembered...oh yeah! i suck at bowling. My best score out of all four games was a 93. *sigh* Oh well it was soooo much fun. We laughed lots. And got out of the house and practiced our Spanish. overall win.

Tepoztlan tomorrow. Then Acapulo this weekend!

Flower Juice?

2010-07-14T20:09:00.000-07:00

Yep. Flower juice. Made out of dried rose petals...at least that's we understood the cook to say. I really need to work on remembering her name, but i think it's hard to pronounce...I just feel bad saying "the cook" "the maid" "the nanny" i need to find out their names again.

Anyway, I'm super sleepy, so I am going to keep it brief. i also apologize for my lack of updates. I did promise AnnaMay and Sjaan that i would update at least once a week, so for those of you who i dont talk to daily and arent quite in the loop, here goes:

I forget where i left off last time. But the newest update is Leata and I got a new housemate. His name is James, he (i think) teaches high school chemistry. Guessing his age to be around 24. Cute enough, slightly weird...but he plays the sax and trobone. the music is often appreciated. Oh two more houseguests to add to that. The grandchildren on mis padres. an eleven year old girl who's name i can never remember, their names are difficult, cut me some slack, and a four year old boy named Juan Pablo who often gets called Juanpo or Jonny for short. He still hasnt quite warmed up to us yet, he's a little shy. But he plays soccer and likes the monkey bars and i call him my little monkey. it makes him laugh.

The whole group of us, plus a friend of the little girl went to get ice-cream yesterday. Talk about an unwanted adventure. First off, we all had to pile in the same car. You can imagine that...The ice cream place was a little fancy, had chandeliers and everything. The ice-cream was good, but it was so very crowded in that small space. Screaming children everywhere. One little girl would not stop crying and JuanPablo just wanted to play on the playground. he didnt even care about ice-cream so we stayed with all of the screaming kids for over an hour, because every ten minutes or so mama would call the kids together like we were going to leave, and then say..ok just a little more time. i swear that happened about 10 times. yeesh.

So I have a new conversation teacher. Her name is Graciella and she is super adorable. Like a little hispanic doll. She always wears bright clothes and comes in wearing seashell jewelry and butterfly berrets in her hair. i want to keep her lol. She just talks so fast! and laughs at everything. But makes class pretty entertaining.

Today we went to Las Estacas Natural Water park. it was one of my favorite excursions last time and still my favorite this year. Not much to say except the water was freezing! but worth it, and the scenery was beautiful. :) check out my fb album

Tomorrow starts my party weekend. I will update :)

~later days~

6 de julio

2010-07-06T20:48:00.000-07:00

No recurdo que dia es...pues..

Tuve pesadillas toda de anoche, entonces no durme bueno. No fue llueve y fue mas calor en mi cuarto :( Por desayun mi mama nos dio Corn Pops :) yummm. Pienso mi clase de gramatica es mas facil para mi y para Leata, entonces en la manana quizas intentaremos un otra clase. Mi clase de conversacion fui muy interesante. Hablaron sobre fantasmos y brujas y el dia de diablo...mucho historia de fantasmos in Cuernavaca. En la clase fue muy cansada, entonces despues de clase yo tuve una siesta por un hora y media. Despues de siesta yo habla con christina y catrina y sam. Despues yo y leata fuimos a la tienda donde nuestra padres trabaja. Yo tome mas photos para Christina y para nathan! :) Photos de Buzz Lightyear :)
Despues de salimos la tiendo fuimos a la supermercado y compramos mucho y mucho pan. Me encantan pan <3 Mi padre fui bailiando en la mercado <3 yo bailo con el. Fui mucho divertir

Ok. that was the super short grammatically incorrect Spanish version of my day.
In english, i had nightmares all last night, spawning from a conversation i had prior to sleep and consisting of all of my friends dying one by one. It was pretty bad and shook me up a lot even after i was awake. it didnt help that it did not rain and i have been depending on the rain to help me sleep. for breakfast we had cornpops, the most american breakfast you can have, I am sure. My papa made himself a disgusting yet healthy smoothie with beets and carrots, celery, flaxseed and aloe vera. he said it was delicious, i dont believe him. but the site of him in his business suit and mi mamas tiny apron was almost worth me trying a little bit of it. Blech!

I think my grammar class is a little too easy. But my conversation class is pretty interesting. We talked about witches and ghosts and devils and chewpacabras and other ghost stories from Mexico folklore. I also had to explain the concept of drag queens. was pretty interesting

After class ate lunch. cant remember what it was, but it was amazing. Then it was sleepy time. After nap talked to christina and sam and catrina then went to the store my parents work at. Took picture of Spanish Buzz for Christina and Nathan! Then went to buy bread It was amazing. So amazing in fact that when we got home we started in on it. We bought so much though it will (maybe) last all week <3. My papa and I danced around the grocery store. and around the kitchen. it was our happy awesome bread dance. I love my family <3

Goodnight ladies. Hasta luego

Day 3

2010-07-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

Woke up entirely too early this morning. Well..ok so i stayed up too late last night, otherwise things would have been fine. At about 2:00 something in my room started beeping and i couldnt figure out what it was. It was driving me insane! Leata thinks I am crazy..she never heard it. Anyway morning started at 7 AM! woot! Our mama made us pancakes and we had fruit. No me gusto mango..pero watermelon esta bien.

Loaded the bus and drove into Mexico city. Three younger boys sat right in front of us and kept us slightly entertained with comments about splitting atoms to make anti-matter, creating bombs and using laser swords...actually we kind of kept ourselves entertained by quietly mocking them..it was all in fun, they are pretty cool kids.

I fell asleep of course, as most modes of transportation tend to make me super sleepy. And i woke up in Teotihuacan :) the city of the gods. We took a tour that was long and i have heard most of it before so i spent most of the time bargaining with street vendors. I bought a present! The first one, but more to come if money permits..and i hope it does. Let's hope the parents remembered to pick up my paycheck...

Street vendors are usually good at bargaining about things..but they are super persistent. If you dont think you want to buy something, dont even look at it! They will follow you around for an hour. Trust me, it happened. But i am super happy with what i ended up getting.

After the tour we went to have lunch. Mi mama made me a sandwhich..tomato, turkey, queso de fresa y avocado. It sounds weird, but it was amazing. After lunch tequila shots for everyone...ok so they had a table set up showing how tequila was made. We still got the shots. I had to explain to half a dozen people how to do the salt/lime/shot thing. *Sigh* four shots in and i was happy and ready to go climb pyramids :)

No joke, thats what we did. I climbed the temple of the sun god. Not sure exactly how high it is, but check out the pictures on facebook. i will find the height at somepoint and post it on here. After lots of climbing and some fun pictures i was chased around by yet more vendors. A dollar for a silver bracelet? Yeah ok..it will make your whole body turn green and your arm fall off for that price. Anyway..then on to the bus and another 3 hours bus ride. Back home to mi mama y papa y comida :)

then i realized exactly how sunburnt i was as i scoreched myself in the shower. aaaand i have been facebooking for the last hour and have posted pictures :) yay me

Class tomorrow, so time for bed
~later days~

day 1/2 in Mexico

2010-07-03T12:17:00.000-07:00

I was late to the caravan bc i was having an anxiety attack while watching Dana die (L'Word). Not the best way to start the day because my dreams on the plane werent all super pleasant :(

Left for airport at 5:30 AM. Sat in airport forever...talked with a group of three guys from Australia. they are traveling the world pretty much. They have been gone for two weeks and had just spent about a week in the US, not sure what parts.

Anyway we were almost to Mexico when one of the guys had a seizure. Apparently it was his first one. There was the usual mass panic on the plane. People freaking out..children screaming. We had to u-turn the plane around...yup and we did an emergency landing/layover in New Orleans. Sat there for over two hours and was not allowed off the plane. Tried to sleep, but there were three screaming children. I now understand the urge some parents get to shake children. I mean, I do not condone it at all and i never would. I would walk away before that happened, but I understand the urge. So almost three hours of nonstop screaming children we take off again. I managed to sleep but had unsettling dreams about friends dying. so listened to my ipod instead...read a little bit...FINALLY made it to Mexico!

:)
:)

At the luggage pickup someone grabbed my bag. Apparently looked just like his. Umm...not good. Got it back though. Then went through customs..and I was the one randomly selected for the search. Yeah they kinda tore my bag up, but its cool because i am NOT a terrorist..nope...

Took a long bus ride to Cuernavaca <3 But since we were so late our families were not there to pick us up. aaand for some reason we didnt not have addresses or contact information. So we climbed into 4 cabs (the one i was in didnt crank and then once it did crank promptly broke down..yes, i am a travel jinx apparently) and drove to the school in hopes to find someone. We did thankfully and our mama rescued us!

Then she gave us some amaaaazing food which rocked bc prior to that the last thing i ate was a chicken biscuit at 4:30 am and it was currently about....8:00 SC time. and she let us know that we had wireless internet so i got to skype and facebook before bed <3 as much as i dislike it i am addicted to the communication.

it poured rain last night which means i slept amazingly...that hasnt really happened in ages....and when i woke up there was another incredible meal. i am going to gain so much weight if i dont convince Leata to work out with me. On the upside...this house has a workout room. So the bad trip here, totally worth it.

I'm losing you

2010-06-22T01:01:00.000-07:00

and its effortless....

Trying not to give a damn is a lot harder than i thought it would be.
I feel like I am losing/may have lost a really good friend
and I dont know what to do about it
This, for the record, is why i keep everyone at arms length

Lies and Bullshit

2010-06-19T21:17:00.001-07:00

I am tired of it all
I hate when people lie to me
and lying by leaving out facts, or ignoring the question, or alluding to an answer that may or may not be correct
It's all bullshit
And i know i am guilty of this sometimes too
but i am def. going to work on stopping if it pisses other people off as much as it pisses me off
whats worse is when the things that are being lied about arent even a big deal..like you could just tell me?
I would rather be upset for all of 5 minutes than to be tangled in some kind of dumb game
If you dont want to say what up just say you dont want to say.
If you want to change plans, change plans
but dont lie.
Lying is dumb

and btw, i feel that people should accept i dont want to talk about it as a legitimate answer
just saying

So resolution #75846 for jennifer: stop lying..even partial lying....

and i think everyone else should do the same

2010-06-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

someday i will find someone who wants me
and i will be happy

and maybe i will fall in love
not that i am in a hurry
it's just nice you know?
the thought

2010-05-31T22:05:00.000-07:00

so good news is..i'm not paranoid like i have been fighting with myself about over the past 3 weeks or so...

the bad news is that, since I am not paranoid, the thing that i was worried about did actually happen.

I'm not sure whether i am happy that i am not thinking irrationally
or upset because i kind of feel like i've been hit in the stomach, and it's sometimes hard to breathe...

:/
maybe that's a little dramatic
i mean, i could say it's whatever
because really....it is

but it does hurt

ce la vie?

<3

HighSchool on Steroids

2010-05-24T19:31:00.001-07:00

So being at tech, even during the summer is like being in high school all over again. I see ex friends, ex friends' ex boyrfriends/girlfriends. So many people i didnt really need to see whish is why i left Florence for school in the first place.
On the other hand, the class isnt too bad. It's just incredibly long. I cant sit still for a two and a half hour lecture. I have an attention span that is about ten minutes longer than that of an average six year old. After about 45 minutes i start getting twitchy...probably look like i am on some kind of drugs. I move in my seat, start itching and scratching my arms, playing with my hair, my legs start jumping...it's sooo bad
grr

Oh yeah well don't get so distressedDid I happen to mention that I'm impressedI take one one one 'cause you left meAnd two two two for my familyAnd 3 3 3 for my heartacheAnd 4 4 4 for my headachesAnd 5 5 5 for my lonelyAnd 6 6 6 for my sorrowAnd 7 7 7 for no tomorrowAnd 8 8 8 I forget what 8 was forAnd 9 9 9 for a lost godAnd 10 10 10 for everything everything everything everything

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When you’re walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?
You know you couldI wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

status on crack

2010-05-18T12:49:00.000-07:00

started chemistry class yesterday. i did 8 hours of chemistry. wish i was exaggerating..i'm not.
so..after having a facebook page for so long, i have started thinking in facebook statuses. Sad..i know, but i also know i'm not the only one that does it. If i updated my status as much as i changed my mind i would drive everyone on my friends list insane. I could get a twitter. that's all they do, but then i feel like i would be giving in to needless peer pressure. And that would just encourage me to text..for absolutely no reason. I mean, who really cares what my status update says? Anway here's some status crack...

JennRose: wishes she could stay

JennRose: hates driving in the rain, but thinks lightning shows are fantastic

JennRose: dances on tables. and yeah..she's sober

JennRose: has a Taylor Swift song playing on a loop "you were wild and crazy, just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated, got away by some mistake and now..." stupid Taylor

JennRose: thinks sequin miniskirts are not school appropriate...maybe not club appropriate...maybe Dargan Street appropriate. yeah...probably

JennRose: zoned out for an hour? Not good. Hope these notes go up online...

JennRose: needs train support

JennRose: adores smiley faces :)

JennRose: quiere voy a Mexico

JennRose: wishes she could compete......

JennRose: is looking foward to Zumba, Bootcamp, and Kickboxing. Fantastic...

And the real one is: JennRose realllly needs to do her chem homework :)

love affair

2010-05-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

Found the key to my lockbox today while unpacking. Excitedly looked through journals from the past 8 years. Even from a young age i was both a romantic and a cynic. Such a romantic....and always had a love affair with poetry.

Some things never change

long and rambly

2010-05-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

so i am alone for the first time in literally...3 weeks? it feels weird. My backyard went from looking like a used car lot to having Farrah standing (sitting?) all by her lonesome. Poor thing. I was told i need to update since the last time i updated was a few weeks ago after Hope's birthday party. And the only reason i did that was to remind myself that i was happy even when other people tried to bring me back to reality :/ reality...*cough* anyway this is going to be long and rambling since i havent thought any of it out and i am just typing as things come to me. SOOO when you see stars like this **** that means i am changing thoughts and topics completely and one idea is probably not the least related to the previous. i'm sure you can follow...so..

**********

Recently i have begun to start letting myself feel emotions again. Well letting isnt the right word, i cant really control how i feel, but i am not stopping them. See, the back story here is that in highschool i didnt exactly handle things healthily (??) I let my emotions take over some times and ended up in a place i really didnt want to be in..I got out thanks to the help of an AMAZING woman named Mitzi, and God I'm going to miss her. She helped me channel things better, but i dont think she would be happy with me. i kind of took her advice to the next level and forced myself not to give in to any emotion..rather than take it in doses. So this past Sunday night i was talking to someone and i got upset. And i cried. That might not seem like a big deal, but i honestly can't remember the last time that i let myself cry out of hurt/anger/frustration etc. instead of thinking ok..let's go run/walk/lift weights/etc. until you dont feel this anymore. I felt frustrated and upset and i allowed myself feel that way. I'm not going to say it was a good feeling, it sucked :/ but it was worth it.

But, it hasnt just been bad feelings. I've been happy. Really happy. And i find myself smiling for no particular reason and people look at me and are always going "what?" and i feel silly saying "i dont know, i'm just in a good mood" :)

************

So this coming out thing...i dont know, i've been watching a lot of the L-word and i guess i have girl problems on the brain. i actually have told quite a few people, and i'm not really sure what the big deal is because everyone i have personally told has been like "yeah...we kind of figured". But there are some things that need clearing up and i feel a little iffy about doing it on blogspot because i dont know who exactly reads this...and its going to kind of hit everybody at once. But I know for a fact that some people read it and it'll be easier to explain it to you guys this way that retelling it over and over. So judge if you want. Can this be my version of a youtube video??

I am not gay. Thought i would throw that out there. I am attracted to guys. i just also happen to be attracted to some girls as well. I also dont really like the term bisexual because i'm not, but i mean..call it what you want. whatever makes you happy. I am around girls, "women", most of the time, so you think that would come easier, but it's harder for me to develop feelings for them, it comes more naturally for guys, guess it's been ingrained you know? But i havent met any guys that i would actually like to have a relationship with. Girls i have. i guess it's just a different kind of attraction. (on a side-note i am starting to remember why i avoided this kind of stuff in highschool. :/ relationship madness. all the girls i know are always fighting. Apparently it's what they do.)
I feel like people are going to read this and feel the urge to pray for me. So please do, i mean, if you want to. I always appreciate prayers and God knows i need them recently. Thanks for caring about me enough that you want me to be in good standing, if you disagree with me, please don't try to "talk" to me about it. But really, prayers are good.
And this is me rambling..and becoming useless so i am going to stop on this topic altogether.

*****************

i like her --->

i think she is pretty attractive. Her hair does weird things though. she actually looks a lot like a girl i used to know, who coincidently i also thought was pretty attractive. I am not super huge fan of her character, but they do give her a few insightful lines, which i love. I've only seen season one...so, cant judge yet

********

Went with Christina to get her newest tattoo yesterday and it got me super siked to get mine. Also, pretty nervous not going to lie. I am a little ticklish and i REALLY dont want to jump and mess it up. that would suck...

So real quick recap of my weekend. Sam came down and spent a few days with me before summer classes start. We finally got around to watching Avatar. We watched Christina put her trampoline together. Then the three of us got to play on it :D finally. Watched Ironman2, watched first season of the L-word. Went to FDT and got my school stuff straightened out. My id picture sucks. Whats new? Went to the beach twice. Can't believe that believe that summer classes start Monday.

*******

Sometimes i wish i could do what i wanted to do without being scared about other people reactions. I mean, if i knew how things would turn out ahead of time that would be great. "So...if i do this things could be screwed up forever...ok then, i wont do it" or "So..if i do this, it will turn out great and everything will fall into place. Awesome. go for it"

I'm kind of tired of self-control. Just saying.

last night

2010-04-22T04:40:00.000-07:00

I had a really good time last night
Just thought I would write that down somewhere in case i eventually forgot.
a really, really good time

I am such a fan of birthdays
not going to lie

I'm happy
and now i have to do homework

:)

social experiment

2010-04-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

So impromptu beach trip last night was 89% successful
100% if you count the fact that we did in fact make it up there
and back, and the beach itself was absolutely gorgeous
:)
the -11% came from awkward and tense situations there and back
but whatever. things happen
overall it was good
got back home around 6:30 this morning.
4 hours of sleep :)
got a new piercing today!
my traigus (dont know about the spelling)
it's pretty cool...trying to get used to it
Christina and Miranda both like it
Sam's looks really cool

hmmm
in Broadway tonight at 7:30. Really looking foward to that
so much homework to do...not really thinking about doing it
Completely unmotivated.

Think I am going to pull out the real journal now.
Because there are always going to be some things that one wants to
reflect on and remember, but the world as whole does not need to remember....

I am glad Hope went with us to the beach
It's nice to have someone to talk to
although i'll be sure not to make it a habit
you know what Gibbs says about secrets...

but i also hear that the longer you hold them the heavier they get
I suppose i am doing my own social experiment with the two theories
:)

drama, angst, jealousy

2010-04-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

but still calm on the surface. lol

I love how Morgan initiates impromptu parties
I love how brownies bring everyone together
I love how Sam knows every word to the Beauty and the Beast songs <3
I love Beauty in the Beast
I love AnnaMay's random comments, the incredulous looks Miranda throws out, and Lizbets laugh :)

(*side note- Fantastic Mr Fox is a cuss good movie. i definitely recommend it)

I love days without shoes, the second act of Into the Woods and lazy afternoons

I hate that my laptop radomly overheats and burns my legs
I hate that everyone lives in different buildings and next year will be even farther away
I hate that i somehow messed up my hip joint between last night and this morning...
I hate, hate, hate feeling insecure and self-conscious

update (ooooh)

2010-04-04T18:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a whole month and i havent written anything! not about spring break, my birthday or anything. sheesh... ok, so semi-update. it will just be random thoughts and won't cover everything, obviously. tell you what, when i write my spring break reflection i will post that and maybe it will help compensate for not spilling the spring break story.

It's Easter weekend! Easter sunday to be exact. It's been a great weekend. I had plans with Christina to go to the beach on Friday, but that didnt exactly work out...
I ended up spending 3 or so hours at the theater waiting for her to get off work because EVERYONE else was at work too. Seriously when did all my friends become so productive? Anyway the theater has been under major renovation. Kennedy definitely has adult ADD with his decorating schemes, but it's interesting.

I listened to some of Bailey's stories and got caught up on all the theater gossip. Watched three first graders play hopscotch around the lobby for a good 45 minutes. :)

Christina got off work and we went to this art show that was in someone's apartment? Not sure somewhere off of Irby street. It was slightly awkward not knowing anyone there, but the paintings were pretty incredible. Wanted to stay for some of the actual performances, but looked like they were never going to get around to it, so we met up with Lauren to go 4 wheeling.

Went four-wheeling at chris's (yep called you Chris again...whatcha gonna do? :p ) dad's place. Tons and tons of land...horses, big tractors and fun toys...four wheeler, golf cart and motorcycle :D

Anyway Lauren drove the four wheeler and it turned into a little bit of mud-bogging. Not too bad but more than i was expecting lol

Then we stood outside and talked to Christina's dad for a while. He's pretty cool. TONS of stories.

And that was pretty much the end of the night...it was a good time :)

* * * * * * * *

So my birthday party with the cousins...omygosh i love these women. We went to Olive Garden first and before we had even left the restaurant we were laughing so hard we could barely finish a sentence. We stopped by grandma's house...can't remember why, think it is because we couldnt decide on a bar...
Anyway we convinced grandma to take pictures with us. The way we were laughing she probably thought we were already ridiculously drunk even though we hadnt had anything at that point. We went out afterwards to some "redneck bar" rachels words not mine....in Coward. Shannons car was the only car in the parking lot, everyone else had HUGE trucks. We were a little overdressed as well and attracted some attention when we walked in. Oh well...got birthday shots again! told you i was going to milk it for all it's worth. Played pool with Rachel whose game definitely deteriorated as she continued to drink...and i may have cheated once or twice. Anyway to sum it up my cousins are freaking awesome...AND i was able to get up at 6:30 the next morning to go to Charleston with my parents. Yes...they were all jealous lol

* * * * *

And a question for everyone out there

Have you ever known a couple who seemed like they didnt belong together at all? I am thinking of two friends and one of them is an incredibly awesome person. Passionate and full of life and she likes to laugh and sometimes be silly. She has dreams and likes to go on adventures. And she is dating someone who the only thing (it seems to be the only thing anyway) that they have in common is that they like each other. And while that is an excellent thing to have in common, it doesnt seem to make up for everything else. I mean..to put it bluntly and honestly...she is a bitch. Not always..but often enough to make the relationship stressful and frustrating and i think it's sad :(
I just don't want dreams to be crushed because the other person doesnt believe in them, or thinks they are stupid. i think that everyone should be in a relationship with someone who supports them. Someone who they can have fun with, and someone who wants them to be happy.

* * * * *

When You're Gone

2010-03-06T13:14:00.001-08:00

Found an old notebook (less than a year old i guess) today while cleaning up around the dorm room. Had a few intersting thoughts in them...so...

When You're Gone:

I miss your arm around my waist
and your fingers laced with mine
I miss the way your thumb draws circles on my hand
And the way my curves fit perfectly in yours as i move closer to lay my head on your shoulder
I miss your light touch as you absent mindedly play with the bracelets on my wrist
And the way i get so nervouse when i dont know what to say
I miss the way your smell lingers even after you leave
and when you're gone i wonder how it can hurt so much
to miss something you never had

A Little About Paradoxes

You run until it hurts, so that you can't feel the pain
You want so bad to love, but yet you push it all away
You hide by yourself so that you don't feel alone
You want someone to call, but you won't pick up the phone
You'll never say the words that may finally seal the deal
You just stand back hoping that somehow wounds will heal

And a random rant....

[insert name here] is driving me crazy
scratch that, I'm driving myself crazy by overanalyzing everything
I'm not one of those girls
I hear the voice in my head..it's one of those paranoid whiney ones
The echo of every girl i have ever told to stop being so dramatic.
That's me now...
And the people that say I play mind games...
they have NO idea

hmm...i dont remember going through this angsty stage...but yet, i do. I had just forgotten about it until a few hours ago..
interesting what life does to a person.

finances and BS

2010-03-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

For some people, this is quickly becoming old news. However, for me, it is still new and I am still trying to work through it and I like to write my feelings out. Apparently the high school that I graduated from is soon to be no longer in existence. The school is “supported” by a church who felt that it was no longer financially responsible to put money into the high school. For reasons unknown to me (they were not explained at all), they also felt it would be a good idea to “let go” the person that holds CAS together.
I am not going to get into how ridiculous it is for the church to stop supporting the school when they frivolously throw money into other activities (pretty much everyone knows and agrees with the way I feel about that), just know that it is absurd.
What I am going to say is that CAS was a safe place for me through middle school and high school. I changed schools a few times before coming to CAS in the 6th grade. I was met by a very supportive group including Mrs. Audrey and Mrs. Cecelia. These two women have been my mentors for so many years. I would love nothing more than to emulate them when I enter the “real world”. After my dad got a job working at the school, I spent even more time there. It definitely became my home away from home: before school, after school, even some weekend time was spent there.
It was a strange little school, with our own quirks: easter egg hunts, costumes parties, and lock-ins…my Senior Class trip to California was possible the best week of my life. We say it a lot, and it sounds cheesy, but we were more like family than a regular school. Everyone fought…a lot…and we got mad at each other and at the teachers, and they got mad at us. But there were strong bonds made. We knew the teachers loved us, and most of all we knew Mrs Audrey loved us.
The pastor and the board of trustees say they love the students, and they may love them in general, doing their Christian duty and loving their neighbor and all that. But I do not feel that they love the students individually. For starters they do not even KNOW the students. Mrs. Audrey knew the name of every student who attended CAS. She remembered names years later, and she always greeted students by name. She was at soccer games, basketball games and other school events even when it wasn’t necessarily a principal’s requirement. Not only have I never seen the Pastor at any extracurricular event while I was at school, I am not even certain he knows my name even though I have known him for years.
I used to return to CAS on a regular basis just to talk and hang out, because it was so much like my second home. Now I feel out of place, and if I feel this way years after I have left the school, I can only imagine how current students are feeling. I no longer feel like an alumni of Christian Assembly School. The school I graduated from was quirky and annoying and amazing, I knew the teachers and they knew me. The way it is now…it isn’t the school I know, and is no longer mine.
I do not trust the board of directors at CAC/CAS and feel that members of the school should not continue to support a board that so obviously does not support them (no one on the board, not even the pastor sends their children to the school).
I am somewhat torn between hoping it continues to succeed and hoping the administration gets what they set themselves up for…
And my sincerest sympathy to everyone who finds themselves a part of this situation.

birthday!

2010-02-28T09:48:00.000-08:00

My birthday is a week from tomorrow!

My wish list in picture form...

No, i don't want a puppy, already have one. I would like for you to donate to your local humane society. The one in florence always needs food and blankets

Yes, please...in brown :)

Dinner and wine

Movie night, because it's my favorite thing ever

Season 4...or 5...or 6 :)

But mostly, just another good year with my family and friends. ILOVETHEMLOTS!

oh, and some pictures! because one day i will make a scrapbook....one day

Tsunami

2010-02-28T06:00:00.000-08:00

the earthquake that hit chile (9.8) was even bigger than the one that destroyed haiti last month. Thankfully, Chile has better constuction and architecture. Their country survive although it is a mess.

The fear was that the aftershocks would wash up on Japan, Guam, Hawaii and California as well as many, many more places. According to the news this morning Japan completelely vacated their coast and the waves only rose 4 ft. Which is larger than normal, but no where near catastrophic. Hawaii also escaped, and on the coast of California, the height increase in waves was barely noticed. In fact, a surf contest that was planned was held as normal.

Thank God
the casualty count is staying moderately low for such a disaster

one life

2010-02-23T20:22:00.000-08:00

"i've lived many lives in my lifetime"

I think that's one of the most inspirational thing i've ever heard
because after all, who wants just one life...
boring...

2010-02-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

i need to get away
i need to run from here
i need bigger buildings
more sidewalks
more people
i want to disappear

* * * *

everything here is so stagnate
they all seem content
The same old circles everyday
it's making me insane
I dont understand people
who can stay in the same place for their entire lives
sometimes i get the overwhelming urge to move
and i cant
so i escape for the day
until the urge passes and i return
to the life i am stuck with
for the time being
one day,
maybe
one day

At sixteen

2010-02-19T12:11:00.000-08:00

Infatuation, maybe
That's what you feel
Love at sixteen can't be real
You'll fall together
Fall apart
He'll leave you with
A broken heart
They preached it often
Preached it loud
A love like ours was not
Allowed
But the harder they fought
The more we shoved
Secrets fueling
Our desire for love
The stars gave their blessing
Our actions unseen
We had all we needed
In love at sixteen
Unbreakable we thought
One wrong move and it cracked
Tried to hold it together
But couldnt go back
Appologies spoken
The tears, they were shed
Unsure how to handle
Uncertainty ahead
Life played itself out
Your future and mine
To hold to the past
Would have wasted our time
So my only thought now
When you walk down the aisle
Is I had you first (love at sixteen)
And I smile

~JLynn

I'm going back!

2010-02-14T17:18:00.001-08:00

My deposit is being paid Monday! You have no idea how excited i am to go back. Even with the fact that my hopes of becoming a spanish minor are diminishing, the thrill of traveling back to the place that made the goal a reality for me...it's intense. I didnt think i would be this excited.

2010-02-14T17:16:00.001-08:00

Sometimes it's good for the hot water to go out
It's good to take a shower that shocks me
that makes me shiver a little
it's good
because it reminds me that
99.9% of the time i have hot, running water
and that is something i take for granted
99.9% of the time

My review of Valentine's Day (movie)

2010-02-13T07:17:00.000-08:00

*Contains Spoilers*

so first of all, i thought this movie would be isanely cheesy. It wasnt too bad. The first fifteen minutes were incredibly sugar coated, but after that everyone's world started falling apart. It got a little more realistic. The main problem i had (only at the beginning) was keeping everyones storyline seperated. It is one where they are all intertwined..but so many people to keep straight!

* Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner did not need to be in this movie. Their part was a ridiculous attempt to add humor and bring in a younger crowd. I realize that their parts were written to make them sound like idiots, but it still doesnt improve my opinion of either of them. And for you Lautner lovers, he keeps his shirt on.

*Older couple.... Let's just say made me tear up.

*Didnt even recognize jessica biel for the first half hour. sad right?

*Finally a role in which i didnt fall for Patrick Dempsey! maybe he would do well with jessica alba?

* Bradley Cooper is once again charming and very attractive, which means that lots of women arent going to be to happy with his end scene. I enjoyed it.

*Julia Roberts...i didnt see that one coming, why didnt i see it. Perfect! perfect....
she plays her role well, which i think would be hard to do considering she and bradley cooper spend almost the entire movie aboard on airplane

*There was a lot of "aww-ing" and gasping in the audience. Who would have thought it would have been so dramatic?

I laughed more than i rolled my eyes, and i didnt feel the need to leave the theater, so...

Overall....3.5 out of 5 i suppose

One of my favorite parts...at the end during the credits Julia Roberts is riding in the back of a car. The driver says "This is rodeo drive...ever been here" She replies, "I tried to shop here once...big mistake, big, huge!"

made me laugh. no one else seemed to get it :(

i hate money....i hate it more when i dont have any

2010-01-21T15:34:00.000-08:00

i did not realize that
my book voucher money came from scholarship money
that i would have otherwise gotten as a refund check
and now that i am not getting a refund check
i am also NOT getting book money
and i have to purchase 900 dollars worth of books
(that of course would be by bookstore standards. I, myself, am trying to get a little creative)
And have to pay for VA too
I am BROKE
yep, in all caps
:) but for the most part i dont mind
learning to spend money wisely is a good trait

However, i do have a fifty dollar gift card
that my mom made me promise i would spend on something fun for myself
since that rarely happens anymore
AAAANNNNDDD I want to spend it on season four of NCIS
:/
should i spend it on something else?
i mean i havent seen much of that season
and it's not like fifty dollars would buy much clothes, or that i need them
I guess i could buy books,
but i would never have time to read them
and i could get them free at the library...

rawr
i want to spend it
but i cant help from thinking that it would be a waste
but then...i did promise my mom

Jesus Wasnt a Politician

2010-01-20T06:09:00.000-08:00

i am so sick and tired of people trying to tell me how jesus would vote and what jesus would vote for. I can't believe that people actually think that if he were alive today he would be a republican...OR a democrat. seriously? The man spent his life speaking out against liars and thieves, and there are plenty of liars and theives on both sides. The only thing i clearly recall him mentioning specifically about politics is that we should give to Caesar what is caesars and to God what is God's. In other words, pay your taxes, and pay your tithes. And dont worry about money problems because that's not what this world is about. God will provide. It's in the book that you claim to trust in so much.

What did jesus say about being a good citizen...hmmm...care of your elderly, provide for the poor, love your neighbors, heal the sick, and protect and love your children.
I'm all up for doing that without getting politicians involved.

So please, don't tell me what policies jesus would vote for, and who he would put in office, because you know in your heart when it comes down to it, you arent really voting for who would do the most good, but rather, but who (you personally believe) will cause the least damage. And i can't see jesus getting behind any of that at all.

He wasnt a politician. He just...did good.

2009-12-24T05:38:00.000-08:00

Health care bill past
it will supposedly go into effect in 4 years
but taxes hit sooner than that
i, for one, can't afford higher taxes
neither can my family

and that's all i have to say about that....

appeasing Sjaan

2009-12-19T18:06:00.000-08:00

so i was told to update
which i would do more regularly IF i actually had proof someone read this
but seeing as how no one leaves comments i just kind of update when i feel the urge and since i have been sick the past few days i havent really had the desire...
I get sick every time i come back to florence.
I am allergic to SC and especially florence. But my body figures out how to work through it after a week or so

So what's happened since school got out

*I've watched a TON of christmas movies. i love them. not going to even pretend on that one. hallmark christmas movies are super cheesy and totally rock
*my mom put up a christmas tree. by HERSELF without me begging. haha see there is hope for everyone
*i worked in ms stacie's first grade for two days.
*We made placemats for a local nursing home. some of them are gorgeous. i was super excited :D
*Went to the Julia Christmas party. havent worked there in 3 years, still a big fan of quite a few of those people. Most people ditched early, but some of us stayed for hours. i mean how long can you really stay at a pancake house? i think 4 hours was pushing it
*i think that may be where i contracted the sickness. at least thats what taylor believes
*almost froze my fingers off working Movie on the Lawn. Polar Express outside in 35 degree weather? yuck. 3 hours serving hot chocolate..not too bad i guess
*back at the MACK pretty cool
*back at the theater...i miss the crazy hectic-ness. the busier it is, the more i like it
*I want to see Avatar (thought I'd throw that in there) actually SOOOO many movies i need to catch up on BUT
*I have no idea when my next day off is :/

Oh well. trying to save up money this is my goal: West Virginia, Mexico, Random Road Trip (i'll figure it out), Europe (Spain?!?), California!

Those are my travel plans for the next two years

AAAAANNNNNDDDD

Sjaan, this is my update just for you.
I love you lots and miss you like crazy
send good vibes my way
i'm going to need them as i fill my lungs with toxic popcorn air

and for everyone else, have a cup of peppermint hot chocolate and crawl back into bed
what else is christmas break good for?

why i love exam week

2009-12-09T21:56:00.000-08:00

Today I:

Slept in

totally rocked my music exam...heck yes

Danced on bubble wrap..yeah we did :D

had a crazy dance party...oh you'll never know

Blew bubbles :)

and colored with sidewalk chalk

And now I am having movie night with my roomie and suitemate

It has been a fantastic day

2009-12-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

So i am really mad at myself
because i am having this split personality thing
almost like there are two totally different people arguing in my head
and no, i'm not one of those people...thanks for your concern :/

You see, there is this person
and i think i give them more credit than i should
because i love hanging out with them
and they make me laugh
it's always lots of fun
and i care a lot about what they think
maybe too much...
because it seems like they rarely have anything good to say
and when they make offhand comments or insults it hurts
probably more than it should
and definitely more than it would if anyone else had said it
because i put way to much stock in what they think
Obviously

So part of me wants to forget it
and do what Hope told me to do
and say suck it up, get over it
because really i shouldn't care that much
and if they wanted to be good friends
or something more
than they would put some effort in
right??
then another part of me thinks that if i could just improve
or do better than maybe i could gain approval
and that's why i get mad at myself
I shouldnt let myself get so insecure
People that make you feel bad about yourself
are not worth your time

So easy to say
so hard to practice

stress

2009-12-02T08:44:00.000-08:00

So i only have one more day of classes and two exams between me and christmas break. so i shouldnt be this stressed right? No...it's getting worse
Next semester i have to take 21 credit hours. that's not the problem. the problem is paying for them. i thought they were 300 dollars for the ones over 18. but turns out it is 600 dollars. That is 1800 dollars!! i have 1200 dollars in combined refund checks, that STILL leaves 600.

why does it cost that much? that is insane. no wonder so many students do not graduate on time. i cannot affor to be a semester behind. i also cannot tell my parents, who also cannot afford the 600 dollars. Oh and to top it all off, i have to pay for summer classes too

You know what that means? The money i am making over winter break that i was planning on saving for my senior trip to europe. not happening, the saving that is. Hopefully the trip still will.

Keeping my fingers crossed Morgan.

And i have to do my teaching fellows project proposal. like SOON. This week

Yuck

sad thanksgiving

2009-11-29T18:35:00.000-08:00

So i didnt get the thanksgiving miracle i was asking for. My dog died Thursday night. Well technically my brothers dog, but she was his in name only seeing as i am sure we care for both equally. I didnt think it would hit me hard seeing as i have been away from home for almost three years now and only get to spend a few months total with the dogs over a course of the year...but it did.

My dad was optimistic when he told me about her accident a little over a week ago. She had been hit by a car and taken to the vet, but the vet seemed pretty sure she would recover. She looked like she was doing well but Thursday night she had some difficulties breathing. turned out there was some internal damage that was overlooked. She didnt make it through the night.

My dad has always claimed that the dogs belonged to me and my brother and that he would never get attached to them. But it wasn't true. Thursday night was the first time i remember seeing him cry openly. And you might think she was just a dog, and yeah...she was. But we miss her. I miss her.

My other dog seems at a complete loss. They were sisters, and havent spent a day apart in the last 4 years. I hope she makes it out okay. Two more weeks and i will be home to look over her.
Not the best thanksgiving...hopefully christmas will be an improvement.

just thinking....

2009-11-19T19:48:00.000-08:00

-Watching movies with friends is always a great end to a day
-It's really hard to be sad when you are concentrating hard on something else
-It's hard to be sad when you are helping someone else
-most drinking songs where obviously written while completely intoxicated
- How much a simple act of kindness can change someone's life.
- It is impossible to keep up with texts, messages, emails etc. sometimes wonder if it's worth trying
- all public places should have more trash and recycle bins.
-How bad it must hurt to be alone, especially on holidays
- how much i love shopping at thrift stores and yard sales
- Jodi Picault books make plane rides go much faster
- How much an old, cheesy song from middle school can make you smile.
- How much negative energy effects you.
- I am really excited to go back to my parents house and eat some real food, but soon after i get there i will revert back to my old ways of cereal and micro waved burritoes...yumm
- I wish i had to willpower to turn down chocolateor any dessert for that matter...
-how absolutely amazing fresh pineapple isor any fruit. so much better when it is right off the tree/bush fresh
-how good i have gotten at procrastinating when the actual task would take hardly any time at all
-how useless and wasteful procrastinating is..
.-how stupid name brands are
- How stupid racism and homophobia is.
- How simple and worthwhile it is to make someone smile.
- How awesome it is to laugh until you cry.
- How much I love my job
-how lucky i am to have not one, but two jobs, in this economy
-how i am going to keep working even through the bad days because you cant take things for granted
- How no past thing should poison future happiness.
- How wonderful it is to be loved, all flaws included.
- How much I love movies.- How much I love books.
- How frustrated I get with stupid, commercialmovies and books
- How nice it is when a girl is beautiful and she is genuinely nice
- How hurtful it is to be wrong, when relying on trust and faith.
- How much women are raised to hate themselves and the horrible consequences.
- How absolutely wonderful it is when women are loving and supportive of other women.
- how much i suck at keeping in contact with people
- How friends can sustain you and love you anyways, even when you are tired and grumpy to them.
- How much I despise criminals, even petty shoplifters
- I love black and white photographs
-i hate the concept of dog breeding and dog shows
- How much and how often, i really want to run away and hide somewhere
-i am so glad my roommate is such an easy going person, and way more organized than i will ever be
-how a simple smell or taste can take you all the way back to childhood
-how easily addicted i can become to certain books, television shows, exercise, and songs..
-how much i love NCIS and how much i hate that ZIva is changing from an awesome ninja chick who didnt care what others thought to a total westernized make-up plastered, hair straightened, no accented version of her former self. i miss Ziva
-how i would love to hang out with Pauley Perrette for a day. and not creeper-ish. more like hey let's drink beer and talk about books while we laugh at the dogs running around the house...because she seems like the kind of person that would like that. Except i dont like beer...if she had wine we would be good to go...
-except that i might be a nervous wreck if i ever got to talk to her, which is silly. the whole concept of celebrities is silly
-how much people would benefit if they stopped being compulsive shoppers, how much money they would save and how much good they could do with that money
-how much i adore christmas
-aaand i need to write my art papergood night random thoughtsi will pick you back up again at another time

2009-11-09T13:40:00.001-08:00

so today i bought a scarf
and it's my new favorite thing
warm and soft and the perfect shade of blue

it was more than i normally spend on a single article of clothing
but for once, i could afford it, so why not?
i immediately felt guilty about it

but then found out it was hand made in ecuador
and the proceeds from the sale
go to help women in other countries start their own bussinesses

so, i have a perfect new scarf
and nothing to feel guilty about

:)

oops

2009-11-09T13:32:00.000-08:00

so have you ever been so enthralled by a person that they begin to embody more of an idea then an actual person?

Maybe that's just me...but it happens

Like when I really look up to a certain person and i talk about how amazing they are, and blog about something they said and make comments to the effect that i read/watch everything they produce...

yeah i sometimes forget that they are an actual person and if they ever come across such information it could make me seem like a giant creeper

oh well

:)

what are the odds?
and life goes on....

think i am allergic to SC

2009-11-01T17:37:00.000-08:00

or maybe just Columbia
I felt fantastic all week
(Had an absolute blast inn DC)
But as the plane started to descend into Cola
My heard started hurting
And the shoulders and back tensed up again
Fail
How many weeks until Christmas?

Oh, Oh! This was the first year i have EVER dressed up for halloween. I know, a little slow on the uptake there, but it was a lot of fun. And we saw some very interesting characters on the metro.

good times
good times

going to DC :)

2009-10-28T05:51:00.001-07:00

I am getting so stressed
And even when i'm not consciously stressed
I can still tell because my shoulders start hurting ferociously
and i start popping tylenol like m&ms

I am worried about my class schedule
Not about all the classes i am going to have to take,
Which is a pretty ridiculous amount to be honest
But about the fact that if even one class doesnt fall right into place
I will not graduate on time

How did i get that far behind? I decided to have a minor
Isnt that ridiculous? Apparently edu majors arent supposed to want
to do anything but teach. shame on them for having other interest
such as spanish. why spanish? how helpful is that...

Anyway, going to DC today! Got all of my stuff packed into a carry-on bag
Which will make Dr. Z proud
Giving a presentation, which given all of the above circumstances I feel i am ready for
Staying in a nice hotel in a cool city
Get to see Miranda!
And hang out with the suite
and hopefully relax
taking the advil...just in case

2009-10-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing I pretty much love NCIS

And, i love how when you google image search NCIS

it says did you mean "Pauley Perrette?"

Because I am quite a fan of hers too

and Michael, Cote, Mark, Sean, Holly...you get the idea

But especially Pauley's

Ok...so don't judge me BUT

I also like NCIS fanfiction (ok this is me dodging the rocks being thrown)

but, although yes, most of it sucks..some of it is pretty good

I really like this part from a Gabby fic.

(and yes, Gabby would be a Gibbs/Abby ship..
i know, not my thing either,
but i am trying to be open minded here and I really like this part)

: She shrugs. “The people I fall for… I mean, full-on, no-holds-barred, swept out to sea kinda love… They’re tempestuous, they’re driven, and they’re unattainable. And as long as I keep quiet, they’re too caught up with their own lives to notice the way I feel about them.”
After a brief pause, she sighs and steps away from the boat, a little unsteady but not quite drunk. “So I stick to what they’re comfortable with. But hey, I’m a great friend…”

As she walks past him, she reaches out for the bourbon he’s holding. He tightens his grip on the bottle at the same time she does, and she jerks to a halt, scowling up into his face with an anger that’s misplaced.

Abby tries to yank the bottle from his grasp, but he’s stronger. “You’re cutting me off? I’m not even one drink past tipsy!”
“Tell me who you’re mad at, and I’ll let go.”
“I’m mad at you!” Her tone insinuates that it should be obvious.
“Why?”
Abby rolls her eyes. “Because it’s my birthday, and you’re denying me my God-given right to drink myself into oblivion if I want to?”

:) someone writes her well

in a nutshell

2009-10-20T19:15:00.001-07:00

1. I love Mexican food
2. i have probably worked at a movie theater for far too long
3. But it's ok, one day i am going to be a teacher
4. The people i admire most in this world, are probably the ones who would never guess it
5. Christina is going to take me parasailing ;p ok..maybe not, but one day i will go
6. I love roadtrips....actually...i love driving
7. I suck at emotional things..and cheering people up (i try to blame it on military parents...dunno if that works) ...but i will always listen if someone needs to talk
8. i love pictures of scenery and architecture
9. I sometimes wish my life had a soundtrack. i think it would be both amazingly awesome and horribly annoying at the same time
10. i quote movies that many people have never seen...
11. I like dancing...salsa, ballroom, line dancing, and dancing around just being silly. BUT club dancing where you are expected to look sexy is something i cannot really pull off
12. I prefer bars to clubs...always have....the atmosphere tends to be more low key
13. i love traveling...but i REALLY love coming home after a long trip
14. I'm not sure where home is anymore...my house is feeling much more like my parents' now that i'm not there too often
15. I like it when someone plays with my hair
16. I am a hopeless romantic and a determined realist. Yes, those clash. A LOT

*~*~*~*~*

so it's a rather large nutshell

1. i'm childlike, but not childish. It comes from having a wide eyed wonder of the world and being fascinated by simplest things
2. i love being active, especially outdoors: Kayaking, hiking, running, climbing, sperlunking...yay
3. I love my younger brother. Yes, he's immature and rude. I can say that, but i reserve the right to become very defensive if you say it.
4. Even though I was born and raised in SC, I have been told several times that i have no traceable southern accent. ie: i pronounce words the way they should be pronounced :) plus, i refuse to say the word "ya'll". The only thing that is a dead give-away is my use of the phrase "gonna bust your tail" meaning.."you're going to get hurt"
5. I was raised on 60's and 70's music. I didnt realize there was anything else until middle school :0
6. I think i am incapable of holding grudges. I mean in twenty years I've had plenty of reasons to rack them up, but I can't do it...nor do i want to.
7. For some reason I am harder on myself then I am other people. Although i dont hold grudges, i usually feel it justifiable that someone has one against me.
8. If i see something I love, i will more than likely share it with someone else. I'd rather give it away and share the happiness then keep it to myself.
9. I am really bad about keeping in touch with people. I find most relationships and friendships to be very fluid things. The way i see things, just because we havent talked in a couple years doesnt necessarily mean we arent friends, just that we lost contact. If someone calls me and needs help, it doesnt matter if i talked to them yesterday or four years ago, I'll be there.Whitney has been my friend longest of all, and it's because she accepts the fact that we sometimes drift in and out...but we'll always be there for each other
10. I don't date. Not that I won't, just that i don't. I'm kind of waiting for something special, that "aha!" moment. Don't tell me they dont happen. I know they do :)
11. I've been in love
12. i dont want to get bored with life, to keep it interesting i am always trying to learn/ try new things. For instance: wake boarding, parasailing, oragami, ishanryu, kickboxing, cooking lessons, salsa lessons, traveling (next i want to learn how to drive a motorcycle, and blow fire...not simultaneously)
13. i love traveling, but it's not about the places i see, but the experiences i have. I could tell you about the pyramids, the reefs and whatnot. But i'd rather tell you about the time i took dance lessons with a guy that didnt speak/understand any english and we laughed a lot and somehow came out of it pretty good friends. Or about the time i went street luging at Santa Monica blvd (and got pretty beat up), or when i learned how to skimboard in the pacific ocean. Or the time we crashed a wedding in Mexico because we were trying to escape the rain
14. I dont get scared often, but driving past an 18 wheeler on the interstate is a personally terrifying experience...every time
15. I need both the big city and the absolute country in my life. It's like yin and yang to me. I dont feel complete without either, and would never be able to fully give up either of them. I need dirt roads, bon fires, horses and empty fields. Skies that go on forever and millions of stars at night. I need tall buildings, street vendors, live music on the street corners and everything available at your fingertips. I need them both.
16. I work with children. Almost everything i do revolves around them. I find something so refreshing about being around them, like the world might not be as bad as i think it is, that there is always a chance of renewal, and innocence
17. But often working with children breaks my heart and i realize that when i take off my rose colored glasses, they arent as innocent as they should be. They have often been hurt, damaged, scarred and scared. Which leades me to...
18. I want to be a childrens advocate...in some shape. Havent quite figured that out yet
19. I'm also looking into the peace corps
20. My dad has this affinity for estate sales and flea markets...which he passed down to me
21. I have a deep appreciation for the 80's. The 90's were pretty cool too. So far, 2000 has produced nothing i find amazing (aka the music and television is horrid).
22. I really want to be fluent in spanish. I want to one day be an ESOL teacher. Maybe....whatever i end up doing, i want to make a positive difference in the world....
23. I would love nothing more than to take time off and travel...anywhere and everywhere, and write about my travels, and take pictures. and write a book. i have so many things i want to do that i will probably never decide and will be one of those 63% of the population that change careers at least 3 times in their lifetime
24. I met one of my best friends about two years ago. Several people..one inparticular... thought we would "fall in love"...and in a small way, i guess we did. Just not the way that was expected. :)25. I have a thing for movie theaters, everytime i go somewhere new i check out the theaters...i also LOVE film projection. i dont know why. I appreciate a digital picture. But i will be heartbroken when film becomes obsolete. I feel like it takes some of the magic away.
26. I'm a liberal conservative. Not the other way around. It might not make sense, but its the closest thing i can come up with. I dont like labels anyway...
27. One of the best/worst compliments I've gotten is "You're too smart to be a republican" =) haha i love my friends...plus, I'm not strictly republican.
28. I want someone to go parasailing with me
29. I am a very passionate person when it comes to what I think is right. I love to protest and will jump at any opportunity to say what I believe
30. I go to an all-womens college and I love it. I can't imagine wanting to go back to co-ed education. I spent some time at FMU, and was reminded why i appreciate it here so much

sometimes i kind of feel like this...

2009-10-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

like i was meant for more. I can see it, but can't quite get to it. Sometimes i love my life, and sometimes i want something else...

"How do you wait on heaven, who has that much time? How do you keep your feet on the ground, when you know, you were born to fly?" SE

"The summer air was heavy and sweet
You and I on a crowded street
There was music everywhere, I can see us there
In a happy little foreign town
Where the stars hung upside down
A half a world away, far far away
I remember you were laughing
We were so in love, we were so in love
And the band played song's that we'd never heard
But we danced anyway
We never understood the words
And we danced anyway"

what do you believe in?

2009-10-13T07:08:00.001-07:00

I believe in laughing. I believe in quick naps. I believe in good books, music you can dance to and bonfire weather. I believe in the importance of an education. I believe in social justice. I believe everyone is created equal, but not everyone is the same. Respect the differences. I believe friends can last forever. I also believe there is a reason some dont. I believe mistakes are in the past. People mess up, people change. Let them prove it to you. I believe i am sometimes a hypocrite. It's unintentional. i believe in love...all kinds. I believe long walks, long drives, and long runs can help ease the pain. I believe in you. i believe in me. I believe in recycling, in exercising, and in leaving everything a little better than you find it. i believe in appreciating simple things. I believe in kissing, i believe in smiling and i believe in living without inhibition. I believe all movies essentially have the same plot, but most are worth watching anyway. I believe in making memories, i believe that it doesnt matter how the picture turns out as long as you were having fun when it ws taken. i believe destinations are overrated, and journeys are often under appreciated. I believe in God, I believe that He is stronger than anything i will ever face. I believe in new life and i believe in butterflies.

I stand for:creativity, passion, tolerance, respect, dignity, ambition, dedication, determination, love, intelligence, education, diversity, beauty, strength, courage and confidence.

What do you believe in?

i choose love

2009-09-24T19:03:00.001-07:00

I Choose Love ©2009

The people I used to know
Wouldn’t understand
The change in me
Not the same person I used to be
I’m done with the rules that they set up
That one way is right
And the rest corrupt
I’m letting it go
And I want to know…
Is this really the face of evil that they all fear so much?

She smiles so bright
Not giving up the fight
Rainbow flag held high
Full of pride
Because for one day, one day,
She is genuinely happy. She holds hands with the one she loves
And twirls in circles as her rainbow colored skirt flairs around her,
Her sign is simple “Always love, Hate will get you every time”.
And for once,
For once she is able to forget.
Forget how it is
How hard it is
To be different
In a state where everyone is the same
Or else
You are an “us” or a “them”
There is no “we”
But even this much does not comes free
So she pays tribute
She pays tribute to the ones that paved the way
Holding up candles
Spreading the light
Hoping to make a difference
In the darkest of nights
And she’s just one of many
I watch them
And wonder how others can condemn
When it seems so easy
So easy, to love

And then I find myself, standing under a shower of glitter
Laughing like a child
Like the child in front of me,
Who is also covered in glitter, sparkling like a treasure,
Which he is
To the woman who holds him
And he stretches out his arm to another woman standing close
And he smiles
He smiles because he hasn’t yet been told
Told that his mothers are bad
That their love is a sin
Not because they are different
But because they are, in fact,
Too much the same
And that starts the blame
The shame
A lifetime of pain
And as I watch her brush curls out of his beautiful face
A voice cuts through the celebration and seems to be directed right at me.
Yet another protestor
This one an old man waving a Bible
“Heaven or hell," he asks
"Do you choose heaven or hell?!”
This is the test.
But looking around I am finally sure
“Love,” I said,
“I choose love.”

~Jennifer Rose

*Rough draft aka I need feedback*

Break

2009-09-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

by PauleyP

I catch my reflection
In the bottom of my coffee cup.
Yup, I'm fucked.
Eyes of sugar and caffeine
staring back at me.
What do they mean?
What did you mean to be by now?
Only God knows how
you made it this far.
Through bars and cars
and what is the point
suicides and landslides
The endless why why whys
pins and needles continue to infect
the reject
to project and spread the never ending dread
a wallflower's longing for a dance of the dead
party hats and fancy gowns thrown on the ground
as a foot path laid to the bed that you made
wishing it was a cradle
you curl into a ball
pretend you are small and try hard to dream
of fairies and kings in a land of beauty and grace
to wake up to face
you're not small at all
but big and fumbling
along a long road of whys in a kitchen of spies
as you fill up your cup again

- pauleyp.

i love, love, love her style
I miss writing.
one day i will write again
cathartic exorcism
for her
and for me

innate compassion?

2009-09-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

“Is it not common sense that it is unjust to treat people this way and that we as thinking human beings should instinctively know better?”

I feel like this comment is an example of individual perspective. You say that it should be “instinctive” and that it is common sense to treat people with respect, but at the same time, you only know better, because you were taught better. In many places around the world, for that matter many places around the US, there are “second class citizens”. People who do not have the same rights, because we, as a collective whole decided they do not deserve them because they are different. Apparently, it is not instinctive. Or, maybe the opposite is true. Maybe it is instinctive, maybe it is not something we are taught, but something we are condition out-of.

There is a famous experiment that was done by a third grade teacher in the 80’s called “A Class Divided” you can find it on Youtube if you would like. This teacher decided that she would teach her class about prejudice in a hands-on way. She told her students that they were going to help her with an experiment, then divided her (all-white) class into two groups: brown eyes and blue eyes. She told the brown eyed children that they would have to wear collars all day so they could be easily recognizable at a distance. She then proceeded to tell her students that it has been proven that blue eyed children are smarter and better behaved than brown-eyed children and because of this, they would receive extra privileges. Blue eyed children would get longer recess, they would be served more food at lunch and they would get longer to complete assignments. Brown eyed children would always have to stand in the back of the line, could no longer use the water fountain, and were not allowed to play with the children with blue eyes. At the end of the day the teacher said she watched in amazement as wonderful, sensitive and intelligent children turned in to monsters right in front of her eyes. They teased each other, insulting one another’s intelligence and manners. They would not share, they very made hurtful remarks. She said by the end of the day it was as if some of the students had forgotten it was, in fact, an experiment and honestly had begun to believe they were better.

I know I went off on a tangent, but I think that the point I was trying to make is that it does not really matter if compassion for others is innate or not, if that compassion is not nurtured.

Things I Hate

2009-09-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

1) When people voice their opinions when they are ignorant of a subject matter.
~It is not always a horrible thing to be ignorant of a particular subject, but if you are, keep your mouth shut. Spewing nonsense that cannot be backed up just makes you look uneducated and infuriates those around you~

2) People who have the time and resources to help others, but don’t
~Self explanatory, stop being so selfish~

3) The fact that so many people milk the welfare system
~There are many people who genuinely need the help, people who cannot get back on their feet by themselves, but are trying to get by. This system was designed to offer TEMPORARY support to those who need help, it is not lifetime care. However, with the economy like it is now it is becoming even harder, near impossible for people to work their way back up~

4) The fact that certain people feel they have the right to take money from people who earned it honestly. *cough* insane tax increases *cough*
~Yes, it would be fantastic if everyone was willing to donate part of their money to charity, so they could help those who NEED the money, but it is THEIR money, they should be allowed to decide what to do with it~

5) Name brands/Designer clothes/bags/glasses etc.
~ The fact that people are willing to drop $100 dollars or more on one article of clothing or one accessory blows my mind. The reason behind all the money is to get someone’s name or emblem displayed…so essentially you are paying them to advertise for them. Is that not completely backward? Admittedly that while most designer items (especially purses) are atrocious, there are occasional attractive pieces WHICH you can find replicas of 80% cheaper. You know how much you could do with that 80%?

6) Littering
~it just means you are lazy. Do not do it~

7) Breeding dogs
~There are far too many dogs without good homes for me to, in good conscious, think that it is acceptable to keep forcing dogs to mate. Then you get these pure-bred dogs, which in reality, have no real superiority over any other dog and you are trying to sell them for hundreds of dollars. When said dogs do not sell they end up at the already over crowded humane society where they force other dogs out to be euthanized. Why not accept a dog that loves you, no matter what they breed. It does not make them any less of a dog, or any less amazing~

8) Reality Shows full of senseless drama

9) Secret Life of the American Teenager
~Fifteen year olds are too young to be having sex…I think that was the concept this show was going for. They miss their mark. It instead seems to be glorifying casual relationships and buying into the belief that teenagers have no self-control.

Next Weekend

2009-09-08T18:55:00.000-07:00

My family is going to the beach
Girls night out
Mom, grandma
cousins and aunts
I am not going. Staying on campus
Because it is Pride weekend
And that gets my full attention
:)
Whitney is coming down
And we are going to watch Milk
And perhaps Rent
As we eat a ton of junkfood
And work on our
Rainbow colored posters

Girls night in?
Oh yes
And the party is on Saturday
in the park
Can't wait

scratch beginnings 2

2009-09-08T18:52:00.000-07:00

So the book is an interesting read, but i am going to have to read it much more thoroughly. I read it through quickly, as a work of fiction, liking the concept and not really taking into account everything i should.

i am reading it again, much carefully and am prepared to pick it apart. This could get fun

making justice equitable

2009-09-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

Another discussion in LA class. A little less intense than ones past...no one ended up in tears and the yelling did not have other professors begging us to shut our door, but the questions and discussion brought up was still thought provoking.

The main question was
Is Justice Relative?

Many people in the class said yes, they believe it is.
I do not

I can't believe that justice is relative and fluctuates depending on where you are and who you are. I am not able to wrap my mind around the fact that it is ok in Sudan for a woman to be beat as punishment for wearing pants. Or, in some countries it is still considered alright to stone a woman for getting pregnant out of wedlock.

i know these are customs and are deeply rooted in culture, but i cannot accept them as "just". justice in my mind is when the punishment fits the crime, and both of those cases are too extreme.

I am ingrained with the belief that "all men (and women) are created equal" and that means that in order for us to decide what is just we have to set aside all of our beliefs and prior knowledge or any one person or one situation.

We have to start with a blank slate, or as said in class, behind a veil of ignorance.

We have to forget whether a person is male or female, the color of their skin, the country they are from, and their socio-economic background. We have to disregard any education they may or may not have had, the jobs they hold, the place they live.

Because it is absolutely impossible to NOT take into account all of those factors, i believe it is impossible for true justice.

I do not think that justice is relative, but i may believe that justice is an impossibility. That is quite a sombering conclusion.

War Drobe

2009-09-02T19:25:00.001-07:00

Can't claim it. Written by Pauley P.
i think it has been said: i am quite a fan

***
I can't find my brave face.
I know it was around here somewhere.
I'm searching, sifting through the masks of brokeness, tear stained and scared
which are beckoning me to don them and go face the world shattered.

I can't find my coat of armor.
I know it was around here somewhere.
I'm searching, sifting through a rack full of cloaks of many colors with hearts sewn on their sleeves worn threadbare
which are beckoning me to don them and go chilled numb into the world in tatters.

I can't find my well heeled shoes.
I know they were around here somewhere
I'm searching, sifting through a pile of ones I can not fill
and those that the journeyhas worn soulless which are beckoning me to don them to walk out on shaky ground, rattled.

And I can't find my hat to shield me from the downpour,
and I can't find my gloves that cease the wringing of my hands,
I can't find the muffs that cease the ringing in my ears.
I can't find the keys to the car to drive me far away from here.

I can't find the X on the map to know this path is exact,
can't even find the map at all, and there's no writing on the wall.

So I remain, naked, barefoot, lost, wondering what is the cost of what mattered.

~PauleyP

Do you believe that...

2009-09-01T19:29:00.000-07:00

Every person has the right to live healthy, productive lives?

And, if you do, what are you willing to sacrifice to make sure that becomes a possibility.

**That was the topic for LA discussion today. Well, the opening topic. We, of course, took many tangents and side streets during our hour and half discussion. I know i will have a love/hate relationship with this class, but so far i am loving it.**

I am becoming less afraid of controversy. Actually, I am doing a good part in stirring it up. But also a good deal of listening.

The class today raised many good points.

What are you willing to give up for others to live a healthy productive life?

Your time, your money, your happiness? When does your right to be happy and productive become a priority over someone elses right to be..?

I made the point that you had to secure yourself before you can be responsible for taking care of someone else. Think airplanes here...secure your own emergency mask before helping someone else. That however does not mean you should live excessively while allowing others to fall behind.

Many, many thoughts to ponder and write about and think through before i post any more ramblings on here. just wanted to open that up.

thank god

2009-08-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

my air broke today
for those that know me
this is kind of a big deal
i like it on the cold side

I was complaining to myself
about the fact the air was broken
and i missed dinner
so i was hot and hungry
all around cranky

When it hit me
And i felt like such a spoiled brat
If you ask my friends
If i am spoiled
the answer would be no
Or at least i am pretty sure it would be

But here i am complaining about air
and missing one meal
When there are people out there
(and not even far away, right down the road)
Who are literally starving
who have no home
forget the air

Thank you God
for my school
my room
my bed
the fact that i know i will get a meal in the morning
shoot the fact that i could easily go get one now

Things i take for granted every moment
Thank God

Hollywood UMC

2009-08-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

I want to go
next time i am in LA, i will visit this church
I am not sure why the pull is so strong
but i feel it is a place, a pilgrimage maybe?

I want to go.

Want to know something great?
I just discovered on their website
I can listen to their sermons.
I think that is amazing.

I have not found a church here.
I havent.
But i am looking
Maybe half heartedly...

HUMC is doing a series of sermons on movies
I love movies.
And they are choosing movies that most churches
would never, ever touch.

Saved?
Milk? ( love this movie)
Gran Torino? (excellent)
Rachel Getting Married?

And i can listen to the sermons
at home
until i get the opportunity
to return to LA and visit this church
Which is just something
I feel i should do

Fear

2009-08-28T13:16:00.000-07:00

Are you scared of the dark
Are you afraid they’ll break your heart
Are you afraid you’ll lose yourself
Are you afraid of your own hell?

Are you scared to lose
Are you afraid to choose
Are you afraid you’ll win
Are you scared of your own sin?

Are you scared to forgive
Are you afraid to live
Are you afraid to die
Do you think it's all a lie?

To live
When you think you’re dying
To laugh
When you feel like crying
To stand
When you think you’re gonna fall
It’s just fear after all I

Are you afraid you’ll be alone
Are you scared to pick up the phone
Are you scared of the past
Do you think that you might crash?

Do you think you’re in too deep
Are you afraid to sleep
Are you scared there’s no stability
Are you afraid of your own fragility?

To mend
When you’re think you’re breaking
To strength
When you know you’re shaking
To pray
When your back’s against the wall
It’s only fear after all

Are you scared of the end
Are you scared to begin
Are you scared of the start
Do you think they’ll break your heart

It’s only fear
The only fear is fear itself
The only fear is fear itself

~Pauley P.

Free Store

2009-08-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

So I only made it to the campus free store once last year.
But hopefully I will stopping by more frequently.

I think it is a great idea. Turn in items you no longer use, so they can find a home with someone who needs them.
Almost like a co-op. Coming together to share resources. That such a beautiful idea.

I found lots of childrens books and puzzles for my classroom :)

And because I hate paying full price for ANYTHING I was thrilled to find two skirts from new york and company, which i love. I love skirts.

I am pretty happy right now.

Scratch Beginnings

2009-08-26T18:43:00.000-07:00

Fantastic Fantastic book.

Well i cannot say that for sure, seeing as i have not completely finished it, but what i have read so far is fantastic. Adam Shepard leaves his old, comfortable life behind, takes only 25 dollars and starts over with practically nothing in search of the "American Dream".

Intro:

"I am frustrated with the whining and the complaining. Frustrated with the lethargy and lack of drive that seems to be overcoming a younger generation inparticular.
I am really, really frustrated with the poor attitudes that seem to have swept over my peer group. Frustrated with hearing "I don't have" rather than "Let's see what i can do with what i do have."

This was written for me. I mean, i could have written this. How often do i say this very same thing? It was only last semester that i told my mom i was quitting life as i know it and becoming a nomad to travel around and live off of the money i made by freelancing photos and occasional odd jobs. I still fight back the impulse to leave and live a simpler life among simpler people.

But the author of this (hopefully) amazing book already knew i was thinking that. He anticipated my reaction would be similiar to his, so he prefaced his book

"The truth is that I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone. Go to school, find your passion, save your money, live your dreams."

that's what I am doing. That is what i am going to do.