Because I'm not a Cheater

Day 4-What are your thoughts on God/Religion (or something to that affect)








There are just some things i cannot see without knowing without a doubt that there is a God in some shape/form/fashion. I can feel it, and i have a hard time believing people who say they can't i just feel as if it is something innate. As a Christian I believe in one God (he or she or whatever...i tend to believe God is non-gendered and gender is something assigned to mortals, which we assign to everything else because we can't comprehend differently). However, I respect other beliefs as well. I believe everyone has a right to worship in the way of his/her choosing.

As a child i was taught the Bible, i have read it through, can recap pretty much any story and have a large chunk of it memorized (KJV ofc). As i got older i realized that my parents form of religion may not be for me. Not that i disregard the Bible, I still turn to it for comfort or advice, but I have realized that although "inspired" by God it was written by men. Men with good intentions, but mortals nonetheless and their thoughts on God don't necessarily carry more weight than anyone else's.

My senior year of highschool i went through some hard times that i felt brought me closer in my relationship with God...yes we talk. Anyway...college changed that for me. I go to church occasionally, but i didnt really felt like i fit in at most churches. About 8 months ago, the week before spring break something happened that shook me up a little. My friends mom was hospitalized. it was a close call and it was really hard on her when everything was up in the air. I definitely prayed more in that week than i had prayed in the previous three years, and it brought me back to where i was at a prior point in my life. No matter what her thoughts/opinions of God are...she helped me reconcile with mine.



For extra reading (in case you are interested) I don't really like formal religion. Rules are what cause people to hate each other. Growing up i was always told that Christianity wasnt a religion it was a relationship...as i got older i realized that some of the people who told me that never acted on that principle for themselves. They were all about the rules, and if you didnt follow the rules, you werent allowed in their club. I didnt want to be in that club anyway. I found people that accepted me for who i was, and what i believed. open doors, open hearts, open minds.

That's how i want to live my life.

Oh yeah...and i believe in Angels
of all different kinds




There's a man standing on the corner
With a sign sayin "will work for food"
You know the man
You see him every morning
The one you never give your money to
You can sit there with your window rolled up
Wondering when the lights going to turn green
Never knowing what a couple more bucks
In his pocket might mean

What if he's an angel sent here from Heaven
And he's making certain that you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you going to pass that test
You can go on with your day to day
Trying to forget what you saw in his face
Knowing deep down it could have been his saving grace
What if he's an angel

First Date

I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with.
Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you.
Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through.
Tell me what the word "home" means to you and tell me in a way that I'll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8.
See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones.
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow?
And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek?
Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they're sad, even if it makes your lover mad?
Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?
See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time.
I want you tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you've been cruel. Tell me knowing I often picture Gandhi at ten years old beating up little boys at school.
If you were walking by a chemical plant, where smoke stacks were filling the sky with dark, black clouds, would you holler, "Poison! Poison! Poison!" really loud or would whisper, "That cloud looks like a fish, and that cloud looks like a fairy"?
Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you don't believe in miracles, tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me?
See, I wanna know if you believe in any god, or if you believe in many gods. Or better yet, what gods believe in you. And for all the times you've knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you've asked come true? And if they didn't did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who[m]?
I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you're feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you're feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass.
If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? Would you think less of me if I told you I have lived my entire life a little off key and I'm not nearly as smart as my poetry I just plagiarized the thoughts of the people around me who have learned the wisdom of silence.
Do you believe that concrete perpetuates violence? And if you do I want you to tell me of a meadow where my skateboard will soar.
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people's wounds.
And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted to you could pop but you never would because you'd never want it to stop.
If a tree fell in the forest, and you were the only one there to hear it, if its fall to the ground didn't make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didn't exist or would you bask in the bliss of your nothingness?
And lastly, let me ask you this: if you and I went for a walk, and the entire walk we didn't talk, do you think eventually we'd kiss? No wait... That's askin' too much after all, this is only our first date.

Day 3-Life can be good

To oversimplify my views of drugs and alcohol…if it’s illegal don’t do it. If it gets you so fucked up that it interferes with the rest of your life don’t do it. If it’s legal, doesn’t interfere with the rest of your life but leaves you with black holes in your memory…do less of it.

Ta-dah!

Ok…now more in depth. Alcohol first? I would like to say that I am against underage drinking. But the age varies on the country and other countries under 21 population tend to handle it just fine. I have two sides of this opinion which makes me comes across as a little hypocritical. For instance, I love my brother. But he, like most of his friends, isn’t old enough to legally drink. And when they do…they get loud and obnoxious, go out in public and cause problems. I don’t think they should be drinking. But that is more based on behavior rather than age. I have friends who aren’t quite 21 who drink. I am ok with this as long as they stay in their house and have fun/cause drama quietly. No worries.

Personally, I didn’t drink until I was 21 (unless out of the country where the legal age was different. I mean I had a birthday in Europe...who isn’t going to celebrate that?). I like to drink, I like to dance…and when I have a shot or two I let loose a little more, but when I drink I don’t drink excessively (ok, I’m not going to lie, I have before. But it doesn’t happen regularly at all. Waking up with holes in your memory is scary. I’m glad I have good friends.) In fact, 88% of the time I am the designated driver, which I don’t mind. When I say I don’t mind, I don’t mean that I don’t grumble about it, because sometimes I do. What I mean is I would much rather do that than get a phone call saying one of my friends is lying broken in a hospital. I have lost friends to drunk drivers and I would do pretty much anything to keep that from happening again. To those of you who think it’s alright to drive drunk. Grow up. You aren’t the only one who could get hurt. Call me if you need a ride.

Moving on…

Drugs: If they are illegal, don’t do them. Enough said. I don’t care if it’s not addictive, if it makes you feel good, etc. etc. I know it does. I just don’t want you to get into trouble. So much personal drama with that and it’s still fresh in my mind. When it’s legalized, knock yourself out. Just don’t think you are reaching a higher intellectual plain when you smoke. It’s actually just kind of funny to hear you babble your newly discovered philosophical thoughts. Do I judge people who smoke (pot) umm…I try not to. I really do. Because although I don’t agree…I understand that everyone has a vice. I just wish they could find a different one.

Harder drugs: stay away. They are addictive and gross. You will fuck up your life. Exhibit A: my uncle. You don’t want to end up like him….

In general: Just don’t let shit interfere with your “real” life because it becomes easy to forget that life can be good without pills, without alcohol, without drugs. And the truth is…life can be good. it can be very good.

Day 2-ten years from now..

I went with the physical/literal aspect rather than getting all sentimental. And I just want to start with a disclaimer saying that I am in no way a ms cleo...thank goodness. I do not know where i am going to be in ten years. I have ideas of where i would like to be...but the truth is i follow my heart. If it takes me out west..so be it. If it leaves me somewhere in the south on a porch swing over looking some form of natural beauty...then I am alright with that too.



I adore porch swings. always have, always will. something about them says "home". Just because i like to leave, doesnt mean i dont like coming home...because i do.



Same as above. It says home. I kind of adore the idea of being able to hide somewhere no one could find me...unless they knew where to look :) Besides, does it tells me i'm warm, and cozy, happy...and safe.



Yes, it's Italy. I told Randa we would go back one day...a girl can dream big right?




LA...been here twice and loved it. There is a sense of artistic movement that is hard to recapture. I'm not sure I will live here for an extended period of time, but I will return. It's an odyssey of mine. A pilgrimage if you will. I feel like there is something to find, and that may be a good place to start.





Well...if the picture isnt enough, the words should be <3

Day 1-Current Relationship

Wouldnt that be nice? ...can we go with hopeful? :p

time for the 3 month update?

It’s been forever since I’ve updated. I was recently going back through my old myspace and found some awesome blogs that I forgot about and it inspired me to get back on and update because I like being able to look back at my life. I actually haven’t changed that much since high school in case you were interested. I mean people change…events, well they actually have a tendency to repeat themselves. And me...I’m just along for the ride.

So first off I would just like to say that I really miss Whitney James.  I haven’t talked to my best friend in weeks because life is so insanely busy and I hate it, especially since she has been going through such a hard time recently. She knows she can call me anytime though. Or at least her phone does, because I do get random voicemails when her pocket decides to hit the speed dial button  I love being on speed dial. And I love Whitney and I wish she was here so I could talk about all the crazy…stuff…that has been going on. Remember when I met you at the beach over the summer and it took me four hours to get there bc of that traffic jam (and because I went to the wrong beach…) and I skipped lab, but you convinced me to spend the night and I made it back in time for class the next morning even though I had to leave ridiculously early? Remember how we walked and talked and walked and talked and fell asleep by the water and how life was perfect even though in reality everything was so bad? Well I miss you. A lot.

Another thing I would like to discuss is romantic relationships. Or lack there-of. Whatever. I can’t believe everyone is getting married. I mean, I know that’s what people do after college, I guess…it seems to be the popular choice anyway...but I refuse to feel alienated because I don’t have the desire to do so. Some people say it’s because I haven’t met the right person yet, but honestly I don’t really have the desire to go out and find the right person. I blame my parents. Not sure why, but it’s what most kids do right? So passing the blame.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want a relationship. Yeah…a steady committed one might be nice. But really, sometimes all I want is someone to hold me. I am a believer that touch has healing powers. Sometimes you just really need a physical connection with another human being (one that you are physically attracted to doesn’t hurt). Relaxing, stress relief, exciting, maybe just a brief break from reality. So yeah…a relationship would be nice don’t get me wrong, but maybe not a necessity at the time. I’ve been contemplating the idea of open relationships ever since someone on facebook asked me what it meant. (For general information, I am listed as being in an open relationship with Morgan Lutz…which may or may not be true. I’m leaning towards may not, because as much as I love Morgan…my choosing of that status simply implies that sometimes I miss her more than I can put into words). So yeah…this open relationship thing…not sure if I quite get it. A little more than friends with benefits maybe? I mean I’m not against it as long as all parties involved understand what’s going on. Is that weird? I’m actually not sure all parties would be able to handle it…because as little as I do know about girls, I do know one thing. Jealousy. Don’t get me started. Anyway…

The friend with benefits thing…been there, tried that. Ok..maybe tried isn’t necessarily in past tense. Or maybe it is. I take things as they come with that situation…it’s far away now. Ok…so 90 some odd miles might not be far. But it’s whatever…especially when someone’s heart is in Nevada. As far as benefits go, don’t jump to conclusions. I’m not thinking what you’re thinking…and even if I was, it’s none of your business.

I do have a question though: is “using someone” still considered bad if both parties are using each other equally and are both aware of it? I mean if I don’t find it problematic…is it still a problem? I’m not sure. My moral compass has become skewed toward my own morals and maybe not things commonly considered moral/immoral. However…I think my moral standards remain pretty high. Just saying.

…I love ellipses…oh and according to one description of my astrological sign…Pisces come across as asexual…

So respond
To one, or several, of the topics above….or make your own topic

sometimes i wish i had tried harder to keep my columbia life and florence life seperated.

i dont want to be in florence
dont wanna
dont wanna
dont wanna

i miss my school friends
:(