long and rambly

so i am alone for the first time in literally...3 weeks? it feels weird. My backyard went from looking like a used car lot to having Farrah standing (sitting?) all by her lonesome. Poor thing. I was told i need to update since the last time i updated was a few weeks ago after Hope's birthday party. And the only reason i did that was to remind myself that i was happy even when other people tried to bring me back to reality :/ reality...*cough* anyway this is going to be long and rambling since i havent thought any of it out and i am just typing as things come to me. SOOO when you see stars like this **** that means i am changing thoughts and topics completely and one idea is probably not the least related to the previous. i'm sure you can follow...so..



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Recently i have begun to start letting myself feel emotions again. Well letting isnt the right word, i cant really control how i feel, but i am not stopping them. See, the back story here is that in highschool i didnt exactly handle things healthily (??) I let my emotions take over some times and ended up in a place i really didnt want to be in..I got out thanks to the help of an AMAZING woman named Mitzi, and God I'm going to miss her. She helped me channel things better, but i dont think she would be happy with me. i kind of took her advice to the next level and forced myself not to give in to any emotion..rather than take it in doses. So this past Sunday night i was talking to someone and i got upset. And i cried. That might not seem like a big deal, but i honestly can't remember the last time that i let myself cry out of hurt/anger/frustration etc. instead of thinking ok..let's go run/walk/lift weights/etc. until you dont feel this anymore. I felt frustrated and upset and i allowed myself feel that way. I'm not going to say it was a good feeling, it sucked :/ but it was worth it.

But, it hasnt just been bad feelings. I've been happy. Really happy. And i find myself smiling for no particular reason and people look at me and are always going "what?" and i feel silly saying "i dont know, i'm just in a good mood" :)



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So this coming out thing...i dont know, i've been watching a lot of the L-word and i guess i have girl problems on the brain. i actually have told quite a few people, and i'm not really sure what the big deal is because everyone i have personally told has been like "yeah...we kind of figured". But there are some things that need clearing up and i feel a little iffy about doing it on blogspot because i dont know who exactly reads this...and its going to kind of hit everybody at once. But I know for a fact that some people read it and it'll be easier to explain it to you guys this way that retelling it over and over. So judge if you want. Can this be my version of a youtube video??

I am not gay. Thought i would throw that out there. I am attracted to guys. i just also happen to be attracted to some girls as well. I also dont really like the term bisexual because i'm not, but i mean..call it what you want. whatever makes you happy. I am around girls, "women", most of the time, so you think that would come easier, but it's harder for me to develop feelings for them, it comes more naturally for guys, guess it's been ingrained you know? But i havent met any guys that i would actually like to have a relationship with. Girls i have. i guess it's just a different kind of attraction. (on a side-note i am starting to remember why i avoided this kind of stuff in highschool. :/ relationship madness. all the girls i know are always fighting. Apparently it's what they do.)
I feel like people are going to read this and feel the urge to pray for me. So please do, i mean, if you want to. I always appreciate prayers and God knows i need them recently. Thanks for caring about me enough that you want me to be in good standing, if you disagree with me, please don't try to "talk" to me about it. But really, prayers are good.
And this is me rambling..and becoming useless so i am going to stop on this topic altogether.



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i like her --->



i think she is pretty attractive. Her hair does weird things though. she actually looks a lot like a girl i used to know, who coincidently i also thought was pretty attractive. I am not super huge fan of her character, but they do give her a few insightful lines, which i love. I've only seen season one...so, cant judge yet

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Went with Christina to get her newest tattoo yesterday and it got me super siked to get mine. Also, pretty nervous not going to lie. I am a little ticklish and i REALLY dont want to jump and mess it up. that would suck...

So real quick recap of my weekend. Sam came down and spent a few days with me before summer classes start. We finally got around to watching Avatar. We watched Christina put her trampoline together. Then the three of us got to play on it :D finally. Watched Ironman2, watched first season of the L-word. Went to FDT and got my school stuff straightened out. My id picture sucks. Whats new? Went to the beach twice. Can't believe that believe that summer classes start Monday.

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Sometimes i wish i could do what i wanted to do without being scared about other people reactions. I mean, if i knew how things would turn out ahead of time that would be great. "So...if i do this things could be screwed up forever...ok then, i wont do it" or "So..if i do this, it will turn out great and everything will fall into place. Awesome. go for it"

I'm kind of tired of self-control. Just saying.