“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”

30 random facts: (I’ve done this a few times so I will try to choose things not many people know)

1. I don’t mind if my socks are inside out
2. I am pretty good at public speaking because I can bs stuff without it sounding like it’s made up
3. I am a chronic insomniac. Have been for about 4 years…the only way I sleep well is if I am physically exhausted or am laying next to someone else
4. I love falling asleep outside
5. I have never been tempted to smoke…ever
6. However, the smell of newports is usually somewhat comforting
7. I over use the word “love” because I feel like life is a beautiful place that is underappreciated…although lately I have been trying to use words like “adore, admire…really, really like
8. I have been in love twice
9. I think I fell in love on the beach, and I blame the ocean



10. I believe teenagers can fall in love. I just believe they don’t have the discipline or actual desire to make it long term, which isn’t really a fault
11. I painted my nails black every day for an entire year, and once it hit a year (to the day it was January 3) I stopped. And don’t think I have had them black since…
12. I have a little sister, Victoria..and although she isn’t biologically my sister I will fight for her. She looks up to me and sometimes I worry that I’m not the best role model for her…



13. I used to wear bondage pants and chains…black one, red ones and dark blue ones (imagine that)
14. Whenever I am in an argument I tend to walk away to cool down because I hate people seeing me upset. I always hope that someone will care enough to follow me…to stop me. Even if they don’t know what to say they will hug me and validate my feelings
15. I hate when people talk down to me and say I’m irrational. I also hate being told that I’m acting like a girl. I am a girl. Why don’t you say what you really want to? I also feel that people’s emotions are only irrational if you aren’t the one feeling them. To the other person they may be completely rational.
16. I tense up when touched by someone I don’t know. I have to know you really well to let you hug me. Don’t take offense if you are a hug-y type person
17. However, sometimes I crave physical touch
18. I prefer homemade gifts to store bought ones. But if it is a store bought one…i love random little things that fit my personality. Something that shows you know me well
19. I will go out of my way to buy something for someone if I know they will like it. It’s a habit that leaves me broke often. But I love it
20. I find it adorable when a guy/girl uses cute-sy talk with their pets or with babies. It always finds its way into my heart
21. I still get the urge to break things
22. I can quote every line to While You Were Sleeping, and my mother and I do this often in normal conversation
23. I talk through movies…bad habit coming from someone who works at a theater but, oh well
24. I will go out of my way to make someone smile, because I never know what kind of day they are having/what their life is like. And sometimes the things you don’t know could break your heart
25. I give money to charities. I particularly love Angle Tree organizations
26. Christmas makes me super happy and super sad at the same time. But no worries, the happy usually wins out
27. I love having my hair played with
28. I attract creepers like nobody’s business. It’s insane how they find me. I think I have a neon sign that only they can see
29. I rarely ever cry about real life, but movies (especially sappy love stories, or ones with bad child/parent relationships) make me break down


30. I’m not ready to be a grown up

yes..i did just write a 1,000 word blog

Day..5? A time you thought about ending your own life

Ready for an emotional rollercoaster of a post? …


Let’s see…in middle school I had abandonment issues. I was a very quiet moody angsty teen, but who isn’t at that age? It wasn’t really abnormal. As later middle school begot high school I turned into the sane one that was supposed to keep everyone else grounded. I had the same friends since elementary school, and I loved them all. But things started changing. While my friends starting to experiment with drugs and getting drunk I was playing soccer and on the drama team. They stayed out late, and I got up early for SGA and Beta Club meetings. They had after school sex…and I got an after school job…big difference. I taught Sunday school, worked AT LEAST 40 hours a week, played multiple sports and joined almost every club available. I didn’t want free time. Free time left me feeling empty. I eventually got tired of taking care of everyone and not having anyone offer me anything in return.

So I stopped…

And they noticed. One day one of my friends started talking to me about something that had happened that upset her. I wasn’t in the mood, and as usual felt she had brought it on herself and should face the consequences. Later I went to work. Apparently while I was at work I missed 6 calls from her, forcing her to assume I was mad at her/was no longer interested in being her friend. That night she tried to kill herself. Her family intervened and she was rushed to the hospital. I still have to force myself to believe that this wasn’t at least partially my fault. She recovered, we were still friends. But it shook me up. I blamed myself for a long time.

I didn’t know how to be the good kid anymore. I was two different people.
At school, at home, at church, at work…I was reliable, dependable, happy, well mannered, sensible, nice to everyone, incredibly goal oriented and hardworking. In my head I was a screw up that couldn’t seem to get her life together. I would cry for no reason, I would have burst of anger that I tried to hide. I would get an overwhelming desire to break things.

I stopped eating. I would go for days without eating anything solid. I thought I had it under control until I passed out one day at work. I got away with it by telling my manager I just hadn't eaten that day and was a little dizzy. She started watching me after that. I would often say I didn’t have money for food so she started buying me dinner a few times a week and watching to make sure I actually ate it. She was definitely a role model for me although some would ague she doesn’t have her life together either.

I had cut myself off and on since about 8th grade, but it got worse. I also got worse at hiding it. I was approached my assistant manager at work who talked to me honestly. He basically told me to cut the shit. I owe him a lot. He doesn’t know it, nor will he. We used to talk quite a bit hanging out in the parking lot outside of work. Back when days were slow and people weren’t incredibly fascinated by what went on in someone else’s life.

I ran a lot. I ran until it hurt. Then I would lay down until I could convince myself to get up and run again. This all went on for about 3 years…I’m not exactly sure. But ask anyone I went to high school with and I am one of the most amazing well-adjusted kids they had ever met. Anyway, one point I was trying to make is that throughout all of these self-destructive behaviors, I never tried to kill myself. I knew, or hoped, that it would get better. I wanted to leave and find some place to start over and that happened when I got to college.

Not at first, at first I was still a crazy mess, though I hid it well. I ended an unhealthy relationship, fell for somebody else. Didn’t tell anyone angst angst (it’s fun to think about now) because I knew it wouldn’t work. I talked to the school therapist on day on a fluke. And Mitzy turned my life around. She really did. I just…needed someone to talk to I guess. She told me it was ok to feel things, that I had tried all of these ways to stop myself from feeling because it hurt too much. So I decided to work on that. To let people in. to forget the small stuff because I realized it no longer mattered.

I am proud to say that I haven’t cut myself since November 2007. Actually…I think I two days ago makes three years  . That doesn’t mean I don’t get the urge...habits die hard. But now when I do I separate myself and go for a walk. I don’t care how cold it is, how hot it is, if it’s pouring down rain. I will leave and I will walk. And sometimes, people that know my story will walk with me. It feels really good to know that I have someone I can trust like that.

So that’s my story, sorry it was so long. Also sorry for lack of pictures.

I love you guys

Because I'm not a Cheater

Day 4-What are your thoughts on God/Religion (or something to that affect)








There are just some things i cannot see without knowing without a doubt that there is a God in some shape/form/fashion. I can feel it, and i have a hard time believing people who say they can't i just feel as if it is something innate. As a Christian I believe in one God (he or she or whatever...i tend to believe God is non-gendered and gender is something assigned to mortals, which we assign to everything else because we can't comprehend differently). However, I respect other beliefs as well. I believe everyone has a right to worship in the way of his/her choosing.

As a child i was taught the Bible, i have read it through, can recap pretty much any story and have a large chunk of it memorized (KJV ofc). As i got older i realized that my parents form of religion may not be for me. Not that i disregard the Bible, I still turn to it for comfort or advice, but I have realized that although "inspired" by God it was written by men. Men with good intentions, but mortals nonetheless and their thoughts on God don't necessarily carry more weight than anyone else's.

My senior year of highschool i went through some hard times that i felt brought me closer in my relationship with God...yes we talk. Anyway...college changed that for me. I go to church occasionally, but i didnt really felt like i fit in at most churches. About 8 months ago, the week before spring break something happened that shook me up a little. My friends mom was hospitalized. it was a close call and it was really hard on her when everything was up in the air. I definitely prayed more in that week than i had prayed in the previous three years, and it brought me back to where i was at a prior point in my life. No matter what her thoughts/opinions of God are...she helped me reconcile with mine.



For extra reading (in case you are interested) I don't really like formal religion. Rules are what cause people to hate each other. Growing up i was always told that Christianity wasnt a religion it was a relationship...as i got older i realized that some of the people who told me that never acted on that principle for themselves. They were all about the rules, and if you didnt follow the rules, you werent allowed in their club. I didnt want to be in that club anyway. I found people that accepted me for who i was, and what i believed. open doors, open hearts, open minds.

That's how i want to live my life.

Oh yeah...and i believe in Angels
of all different kinds




There's a man standing on the corner
With a sign sayin "will work for food"
You know the man
You see him every morning
The one you never give your money to
You can sit there with your window rolled up
Wondering when the lights going to turn green
Never knowing what a couple more bucks
In his pocket might mean

What if he's an angel sent here from Heaven
And he's making certain that you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you going to pass that test
You can go on with your day to day
Trying to forget what you saw in his face
Knowing deep down it could have been his saving grace
What if he's an angel

First Date

I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with.
Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you.
Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through.
Tell me what the word "home" means to you and tell me in a way that I'll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8.
See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones.
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow?
And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek?
Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they're sad, even if it makes your lover mad?
Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?
See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time.
I want you tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you've been cruel. Tell me knowing I often picture Gandhi at ten years old beating up little boys at school.
If you were walking by a chemical plant, where smoke stacks were filling the sky with dark, black clouds, would you holler, "Poison! Poison! Poison!" really loud or would whisper, "That cloud looks like a fish, and that cloud looks like a fairy"?
Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you don't believe in miracles, tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me?
See, I wanna know if you believe in any god, or if you believe in many gods. Or better yet, what gods believe in you. And for all the times you've knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you've asked come true? And if they didn't did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who[m]?
I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you're feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you're feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass.
If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? Would you think less of me if I told you I have lived my entire life a little off key and I'm not nearly as smart as my poetry I just plagiarized the thoughts of the people around me who have learned the wisdom of silence.
Do you believe that concrete perpetuates violence? And if you do I want you to tell me of a meadow where my skateboard will soar.
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people's wounds.
And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted to you could pop but you never would because you'd never want it to stop.
If a tree fell in the forest, and you were the only one there to hear it, if its fall to the ground didn't make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didn't exist or would you bask in the bliss of your nothingness?
And lastly, let me ask you this: if you and I went for a walk, and the entire walk we didn't talk, do you think eventually we'd kiss? No wait... That's askin' too much after all, this is only our first date.

Day 3-Life can be good

To oversimplify my views of drugs and alcohol…if it’s illegal don’t do it. If it gets you so fucked up that it interferes with the rest of your life don’t do it. If it’s legal, doesn’t interfere with the rest of your life but leaves you with black holes in your memory…do less of it.

Ta-dah!

Ok…now more in depth. Alcohol first? I would like to say that I am against underage drinking. But the age varies on the country and other countries under 21 population tend to handle it just fine. I have two sides of this opinion which makes me comes across as a little hypocritical. For instance, I love my brother. But he, like most of his friends, isn’t old enough to legally drink. And when they do…they get loud and obnoxious, go out in public and cause problems. I don’t think they should be drinking. But that is more based on behavior rather than age. I have friends who aren’t quite 21 who drink. I am ok with this as long as they stay in their house and have fun/cause drama quietly. No worries.

Personally, I didn’t drink until I was 21 (unless out of the country where the legal age was different. I mean I had a birthday in Europe...who isn’t going to celebrate that?). I like to drink, I like to dance…and when I have a shot or two I let loose a little more, but when I drink I don’t drink excessively (ok, I’m not going to lie, I have before. But it doesn’t happen regularly at all. Waking up with holes in your memory is scary. I’m glad I have good friends.) In fact, 88% of the time I am the designated driver, which I don’t mind. When I say I don’t mind, I don’t mean that I don’t grumble about it, because sometimes I do. What I mean is I would much rather do that than get a phone call saying one of my friends is lying broken in a hospital. I have lost friends to drunk drivers and I would do pretty much anything to keep that from happening again. To those of you who think it’s alright to drive drunk. Grow up. You aren’t the only one who could get hurt. Call me if you need a ride.

Moving on…

Drugs: If they are illegal, don’t do them. Enough said. I don’t care if it’s not addictive, if it makes you feel good, etc. etc. I know it does. I just don’t want you to get into trouble. So much personal drama with that and it’s still fresh in my mind. When it’s legalized, knock yourself out. Just don’t think you are reaching a higher intellectual plain when you smoke. It’s actually just kind of funny to hear you babble your newly discovered philosophical thoughts. Do I judge people who smoke (pot) umm…I try not to. I really do. Because although I don’t agree…I understand that everyone has a vice. I just wish they could find a different one.

Harder drugs: stay away. They are addictive and gross. You will fuck up your life. Exhibit A: my uncle. You don’t want to end up like him….

In general: Just don’t let shit interfere with your “real” life because it becomes easy to forget that life can be good without pills, without alcohol, without drugs. And the truth is…life can be good. it can be very good.

Day 2-ten years from now..

I went with the physical/literal aspect rather than getting all sentimental. And I just want to start with a disclaimer saying that I am in no way a ms cleo...thank goodness. I do not know where i am going to be in ten years. I have ideas of where i would like to be...but the truth is i follow my heart. If it takes me out west..so be it. If it leaves me somewhere in the south on a porch swing over looking some form of natural beauty...then I am alright with that too.



I adore porch swings. always have, always will. something about them says "home". Just because i like to leave, doesnt mean i dont like coming home...because i do.



Same as above. It says home. I kind of adore the idea of being able to hide somewhere no one could find me...unless they knew where to look :) Besides, does it tells me i'm warm, and cozy, happy...and safe.



Yes, it's Italy. I told Randa we would go back one day...a girl can dream big right?




LA...been here twice and loved it. There is a sense of artistic movement that is hard to recapture. I'm not sure I will live here for an extended period of time, but I will return. It's an odyssey of mine. A pilgrimage if you will. I feel like there is something to find, and that may be a good place to start.





Well...if the picture isnt enough, the words should be <3

Day 1-Current Relationship

Wouldnt that be nice? ...can we go with hopeful? :p