yes..i did just write a 1,000 word blog

Day..5? A time you thought about ending your own life

Ready for an emotional rollercoaster of a post? …


Let’s see…in middle school I had abandonment issues. I was a very quiet moody angsty teen, but who isn’t at that age? It wasn’t really abnormal. As later middle school begot high school I turned into the sane one that was supposed to keep everyone else grounded. I had the same friends since elementary school, and I loved them all. But things started changing. While my friends starting to experiment with drugs and getting drunk I was playing soccer and on the drama team. They stayed out late, and I got up early for SGA and Beta Club meetings. They had after school sex…and I got an after school job…big difference. I taught Sunday school, worked AT LEAST 40 hours a week, played multiple sports and joined almost every club available. I didn’t want free time. Free time left me feeling empty. I eventually got tired of taking care of everyone and not having anyone offer me anything in return.

So I stopped…

And they noticed. One day one of my friends started talking to me about something that had happened that upset her. I wasn’t in the mood, and as usual felt she had brought it on herself and should face the consequences. Later I went to work. Apparently while I was at work I missed 6 calls from her, forcing her to assume I was mad at her/was no longer interested in being her friend. That night she tried to kill herself. Her family intervened and she was rushed to the hospital. I still have to force myself to believe that this wasn’t at least partially my fault. She recovered, we were still friends. But it shook me up. I blamed myself for a long time.

I didn’t know how to be the good kid anymore. I was two different people.
At school, at home, at church, at work…I was reliable, dependable, happy, well mannered, sensible, nice to everyone, incredibly goal oriented and hardworking. In my head I was a screw up that couldn’t seem to get her life together. I would cry for no reason, I would have burst of anger that I tried to hide. I would get an overwhelming desire to break things.

I stopped eating. I would go for days without eating anything solid. I thought I had it under control until I passed out one day at work. I got away with it by telling my manager I just hadn't eaten that day and was a little dizzy. She started watching me after that. I would often say I didn’t have money for food so she started buying me dinner a few times a week and watching to make sure I actually ate it. She was definitely a role model for me although some would ague she doesn’t have her life together either.

I had cut myself off and on since about 8th grade, but it got worse. I also got worse at hiding it. I was approached my assistant manager at work who talked to me honestly. He basically told me to cut the shit. I owe him a lot. He doesn’t know it, nor will he. We used to talk quite a bit hanging out in the parking lot outside of work. Back when days were slow and people weren’t incredibly fascinated by what went on in someone else’s life.

I ran a lot. I ran until it hurt. Then I would lay down until I could convince myself to get up and run again. This all went on for about 3 years…I’m not exactly sure. But ask anyone I went to high school with and I am one of the most amazing well-adjusted kids they had ever met. Anyway, one point I was trying to make is that throughout all of these self-destructive behaviors, I never tried to kill myself. I knew, or hoped, that it would get better. I wanted to leave and find some place to start over and that happened when I got to college.

Not at first, at first I was still a crazy mess, though I hid it well. I ended an unhealthy relationship, fell for somebody else. Didn’t tell anyone angst angst (it’s fun to think about now) because I knew it wouldn’t work. I talked to the school therapist on day on a fluke. And Mitzy turned my life around. She really did. I just…needed someone to talk to I guess. She told me it was ok to feel things, that I had tried all of these ways to stop myself from feeling because it hurt too much. So I decided to work on that. To let people in. to forget the small stuff because I realized it no longer mattered.

I am proud to say that I haven’t cut myself since November 2007. Actually…I think I two days ago makes three years  . That doesn’t mean I don’t get the urge...habits die hard. But now when I do I separate myself and go for a walk. I don’t care how cold it is, how hot it is, if it’s pouring down rain. I will leave and I will walk. And sometimes, people that know my story will walk with me. It feels really good to know that I have someone I can trust like that.

So that’s my story, sorry it was so long. Also sorry for lack of pictures.

I love you guys