so good news is..i'm not paranoid like i have been fighting with myself about over the past 3 weeks or so...

the bad news is that, since I am not paranoid, the thing that i was worried about did actually happen.

I'm not sure whether i am happy that i am not thinking irrationally
or upset because i kind of feel like i've been hit in the stomach, and it's sometimes hard to breathe...

:/
maybe that's a little dramatic
i mean, i could say it's whatever
because really....it is

but it does hurt

ce la vie?

<3

HighSchool on Steroids

So being at tech, even during the summer is like being in high school all over again. I see ex friends, ex friends' ex boyrfriends/girlfriends. So many people i didnt really need to see whish is why i left Florence for school in the first place.
On the other hand, the class isnt too bad. It's just incredibly long. I cant sit still for a two and a half hour lecture. I have an attention span that is about ten minutes longer than that of an average six year old. After about 45 minutes i start getting twitchy...probably look like i am on some kind of drugs. I move in my seat, start itching and scratching my arms, playing with my hair, my legs start jumping...it's sooo bad
grr


Oh yeah well don't get so distressedDid I happen to mention that I'm impressedI take one one one 'cause you left meAnd two two two for my familyAnd 3 3 3 for my heartacheAnd 4 4 4 for my headachesAnd 5 5 5 for my lonelyAnd 6 6 6 for my sorrowAnd 7 7 7 for no tomorrowAnd 8 8 8 I forget what 8 was forAnd 9 9 9 for a lost godAnd 10 10 10 for everything everything everything everything

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When you’re walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?
You know you couldI wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

status on crack

started chemistry class yesterday. i did 8 hours of chemistry. wish i was exaggerating..i'm not.
so..after having a facebook page for so long, i have started thinking in facebook statuses. Sad..i know, but i also know i'm not the only one that does it. If i updated my status as much as i changed my mind i would drive everyone on my friends list insane. I could get a twitter. that's all they do, but then i feel like i would be giving in to needless peer pressure. And that would just encourage me to text..for absolutely no reason. I mean, who really cares what my status update says? Anway here's some status crack...

JennRose: wishes she could stay

JennRose: hates driving in the rain, but thinks lightning shows are fantastic

JennRose: dances on tables. and yeah..she's sober

JennRose: has a Taylor Swift song playing on a loop "you were wild and crazy, just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated, got away by some mistake and now..." stupid Taylor

JennRose: thinks sequin miniskirts are not school appropriate...maybe not club appropriate...maybe Dargan Street appropriate. yeah...probably

JennRose: zoned out for an hour? Not good. Hope these notes go up online...

JennRose: needs train support

JennRose: adores smiley faces :)

JennRose: quiere voy a Mexico

JennRose: wishes she could compete......

JennRose: is looking foward to Zumba, Bootcamp, and Kickboxing. Fantastic...


And the real one is: JennRose realllly needs to do her chem homework :)

love affair

Found the key to my lockbox today while unpacking. Excitedly looked through journals from the past 8 years. Even from a young age i was both a romantic and a cynic. Such a romantic....and always had a love affair with poetry.

Some things never change

long and rambly

so i am alone for the first time in literally...3 weeks? it feels weird. My backyard went from looking like a used car lot to having Farrah standing (sitting?) all by her lonesome. Poor thing. I was told i need to update since the last time i updated was a few weeks ago after Hope's birthday party. And the only reason i did that was to remind myself that i was happy even when other people tried to bring me back to reality :/ reality...*cough* anyway this is going to be long and rambling since i havent thought any of it out and i am just typing as things come to me. SOOO when you see stars like this **** that means i am changing thoughts and topics completely and one idea is probably not the least related to the previous. i'm sure you can follow...so..



**********



Recently i have begun to start letting myself feel emotions again. Well letting isnt the right word, i cant really control how i feel, but i am not stopping them. See, the back story here is that in highschool i didnt exactly handle things healthily (??) I let my emotions take over some times and ended up in a place i really didnt want to be in..I got out thanks to the help of an AMAZING woman named Mitzi, and God I'm going to miss her. She helped me channel things better, but i dont think she would be happy with me. i kind of took her advice to the next level and forced myself not to give in to any emotion..rather than take it in doses. So this past Sunday night i was talking to someone and i got upset. And i cried. That might not seem like a big deal, but i honestly can't remember the last time that i let myself cry out of hurt/anger/frustration etc. instead of thinking ok..let's go run/walk/lift weights/etc. until you dont feel this anymore. I felt frustrated and upset and i allowed myself feel that way. I'm not going to say it was a good feeling, it sucked :/ but it was worth it.

But, it hasnt just been bad feelings. I've been happy. Really happy. And i find myself smiling for no particular reason and people look at me and are always going "what?" and i feel silly saying "i dont know, i'm just in a good mood" :)



************



So this coming out thing...i dont know, i've been watching a lot of the L-word and i guess i have girl problems on the brain. i actually have told quite a few people, and i'm not really sure what the big deal is because everyone i have personally told has been like "yeah...we kind of figured". But there are some things that need clearing up and i feel a little iffy about doing it on blogspot because i dont know who exactly reads this...and its going to kind of hit everybody at once. But I know for a fact that some people read it and it'll be easier to explain it to you guys this way that retelling it over and over. So judge if you want. Can this be my version of a youtube video??

I am not gay. Thought i would throw that out there. I am attracted to guys. i just also happen to be attracted to some girls as well. I also dont really like the term bisexual because i'm not, but i mean..call it what you want. whatever makes you happy. I am around girls, "women", most of the time, so you think that would come easier, but it's harder for me to develop feelings for them, it comes more naturally for guys, guess it's been ingrained you know? But i havent met any guys that i would actually like to have a relationship with. Girls i have. i guess it's just a different kind of attraction. (on a side-note i am starting to remember why i avoided this kind of stuff in highschool. :/ relationship madness. all the girls i know are always fighting. Apparently it's what they do.)
I feel like people are going to read this and feel the urge to pray for me. So please do, i mean, if you want to. I always appreciate prayers and God knows i need them recently. Thanks for caring about me enough that you want me to be in good standing, if you disagree with me, please don't try to "talk" to me about it. But really, prayers are good.
And this is me rambling..and becoming useless so i am going to stop on this topic altogether.



*****************



i like her --->



i think she is pretty attractive. Her hair does weird things though. she actually looks a lot like a girl i used to know, who coincidently i also thought was pretty attractive. I am not super huge fan of her character, but they do give her a few insightful lines, which i love. I've only seen season one...so, cant judge yet

********

Went with Christina to get her newest tattoo yesterday and it got me super siked to get mine. Also, pretty nervous not going to lie. I am a little ticklish and i REALLY dont want to jump and mess it up. that would suck...

So real quick recap of my weekend. Sam came down and spent a few days with me before summer classes start. We finally got around to watching Avatar. We watched Christina put her trampoline together. Then the three of us got to play on it :D finally. Watched Ironman2, watched first season of the L-word. Went to FDT and got my school stuff straightened out. My id picture sucks. Whats new? Went to the beach twice. Can't believe that believe that summer classes start Monday.

*******

Sometimes i wish i could do what i wanted to do without being scared about other people reactions. I mean, if i knew how things would turn out ahead of time that would be great. "So...if i do this things could be screwed up forever...ok then, i wont do it" or "So..if i do this, it will turn out great and everything will fall into place. Awesome. go for it"

I'm kind of tired of self-control. Just saying.