My Earliest Memory

I think something traumatic may have happened to me as a child, because i really dont have any clear memories until i was about 6. I have some sensory memories. I remember the feel of the plastic that covered the chains on the monkey bars at daycare. I remember the scrape of the concrete on my legs when we had to sit on the sidewalk outside. I remember the smell of the cedar tree in my grandmas yard that i used to always get stuck in. i remember begging my parents to take my brother back to the hospital..but eventually i fell in love with his tiny crying self. I remember my lion king bedroom slippers. I remember shuffling them across my hardwood floor because they were so furry and slippery. i remember going to my some unknown distant relative who was about a hundred years old's house in the middle of nowhere and thinking it was so cool that i could ride my bike all over the place and run around barefoot because i could never do that in charleston. I remember sea shells and rolly pollys and i had strange obsession with collecting both. I remember failing at piano lessons for years...but my daddy used to play catch with me while we waited for my brother to finish his lesson and so it was always worth it. I remember getting swimmers ear at least once a week for an entire summer. I remember getting lice so many times in the second grade that i wished the girl behind me would shave her head so she would stop bringing that crap back to school, but she was one of my best friends so i never said anything. I just sat there as my mom put the nasty bottle of RID on my hair yet again.

Deviation

So I am still in the game, I have managed to update every day this month. I am just skipping todays topic again. Because they are all starting to overlap and if you guys dont know of any place I would like to go/visit/live...then you dont know me anyway.

A had a few very bad days this week. Well, two very bad days. And it has led to some self-reflection.

What happened was that I was going through a rough time and got some bad news. I dont like sharing my problems with people really, but i like them to be around. They dont necesarily have to say anything I just like the support. And at the beginning of the week i was feeling super lonely.

One of my problems is that i expect people to act in a way i would act, I hold them to the same standard i hold myself, and not everyone thinks or reacts the same way, and this sometimes upsets me.

This works against me in two ways. One, I often have unrealistic expectations for people. If someone asks me to do something, unless what I am doing is drastically important, I will drop it in order to help them out. You need food, done. A ride, alright. Help with homework...ok. I usually dont mind helping people out because in my mind i believe they will return the favor. And they do, just not always when i would like them to. If I really want/need someone i get upset when they are unable/unwilling to help me. I might not make it sound like a big deal, but sometimes it feels like one. I feel like if i drop everything for you, i deserve the same. But not everyone has that mindset. And that is ok. So what if I dont have anyone to go on a food run, stay up late to study with or just hang out when i am feeling lonely. It's not the end of the world. People are busy. I know (or at least think i know) that when i REALLY need them, they will all be there for me.

On the flip side I often try to treat people the way i would like to be treated in a situation and get a little upset if they are unappreciative. I have to remember that not everyone appreciates the same things i do and not everyone shows appreciation in the same way.

It's kind of like that love language thing. It's been a few years since i heard this, but i think it's something like: touch, time, presents, words...and something else i dont remember...and i'm just going off on tangents now anyway.

The point is, even when i am feeling ignored I have to remember that i have some of the best friends i could ever ask for, and even when we dont see eye to eye on some things, that doesnt mean that they dont appreciate me, or that i dont appreciate them.

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

The mind is not a book, to be opened at will and examined at leisure. Thoughts are not etched on the inside of skulls, to be perused by an invader. The mind is a complex and many-layered thing.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Bullet your day

my entire day?
this could get a little long...

part 1

*Woke up at 6:00
*Hit snooze button at least 3 times
*Grumpily got out of bed
*Took shower and felt much better about life
*Got ready for school
*Waited on my chronically tardy suitemate
*Went to kindergarten
*got a new student...he has a mohawk...legit
*Did school stuff
*Dove back to CC
*debated skipping math
*went to math
*Played with blocks
*Cut paper into tiny pieces
*End of class

Part 2

*Lunch!
*Sat at table by myself :(
*until Desirae told me fun stories from 1109
*Then Miranda came
*and Sam
* and the rest of the HP crew all decked out for HP day!!
*then Lindsey, Gena
*Class!!

Part 3

*Blind panic teaching fellow stuff
*Came to my room to find my roommate bundled up on the couch in the dark entranced by The Chamber of Secrets
*short nap
*turned into longer nap
*homework...mass panic...so much due tomorrow
*debated nonsense of going to movie when i have so much to do
*definitely going anyway....duh

Part 4
*had to find my car...becca parked her in the boonies
*DA necklace :)
*dinner...was yucky
*ASC-annamay and Hope
*Hope was strange and awkward and kept talking about her bellybutton
*smartboad practice
*Order of the Phoenix-hate Umbridge! hmmhmm
*2.25 hours until we leave for Potter-venture!
*slideshow done and lesson plan completed
*need to write my paper
*Miranda is going to starbucks :/

Part 5
*finished an assignment
*miranda brought me back coffee <3
*sjaan calls freaking out...seats are filling up and it's only 9:30!
*text Sam
*get ready...make sure Miranda is ready
*text Sam again
*dance around the room to Harry Potter songs
*call Sam
*leave!
*food
*theater
*CC party for 2.5 hours because we got there THAT early
*Yes..we took up 2 1/2 rows
*I give really bad directions
*THIS MOVIE IS REALLY IMPORTANT!!
*more food
*3:30 in the AM!
*sleep for 2.5 hours
* 5 hour energy
*new day :)

mix it up

I-pod on shuffle: first ten songs...no matter what...

How to save a life ~The Fray
Adding to the Noise-Switchfoot
Broken Wing-Martina McBride
(want to) make a memory-Bon Jovi
Sk8er Boi-Avril
Everybody;s broken-Bon Jovi
Symphony number 3-Beethoven
Here Comes the Sun-The Beatles
There She Goes-Six Pence None the Richer
You're so Vain-Carly Simon

Yeah...slightly eclectic.
I think I am going to jam to sk8er boi now
:)

Addicted

It runs through my veins
I hate how easily i get attached
Might not be his drug of choice
Or his liquid courage
But it's my own brand of poison
And i have him to think
For my weak genes

i was like...baby, baby, baby oh...

:)
so the topic today is kinda of lame and a repeat. What do you want your future to be like...i'll some up in one word. Happy.

Moving on...(because i know i have at least one loyal reader and she deserves more than a one word blog)..i will write about tomorrow's topic, which will put me a day ahead, but who know's i might get slack later. If not, i'll make up another topic for day 30.

First love and first kiss..ready, go:

Definitely not the same person. No where close. I fell in love for the first time when i was 15/16...not sure, depends on the month of the year. I could tell you if i had old journals handy, which i don't. He was 18. He sang, played the guitar, wrote his own music. His poetry was really good. He could make me laugh, had a great taste in movie...he wore a cowboy hat you guys..a black one. *sigh*

i started off being friends with his younger sister. We were the same age. i soon realized i had more in common with him though. We became friends. For a while best friends. We would stay up until ridiculous hours talking about history and literature and watching old movies. We played computer games and shared books and were complete nerds. That kid won my heart without putting forth any effort whatsoever. Yeah...i fell for my best friend. It happens. To me.

He would tell me about all the girls he liked and i kinda wanted to hit all of them. mostly him though. Because i knew they werent compatible. None of them. He started dating this one girl i couldnt stand. Beautiful, perky, super nice (fake?). I really wanted to find a reason not to like her. But i couldnt. It was unjustified. The relationship didnt last long. But long enough to equate to one of my lowest points. And many, many upsetting journal entries that still make me hurt for the girl i used to be.

A few months later he started dating my best friend. I was super happy for her, she deserved to be happy with someone awesome. Not a lie. But seeing them together still hurt. So i started spending less time with both of them. he moved far away to college. And i thought i had gotten him out of my mind, but every time he would return i would fall again. Heels over head couldnt help myself. And anyone who knew me could tell we were more than friends no matter what i said. In fact the guy who was my first kiss (more on that later) was super jealous of him.

So what happened to Mr Amazing? i dont know...he's married now. I havent talked to him in about two years. I hope she is amazing. And i hope they are both ridiculously happy. He deserves it.

~* ~* ~* ~*

My first kiss...I was 18. It was the month before i started college. he was...quite a bit older than me. And to not bring up old drama, he was probably someone i shouldnt have gotten involved with. But it all kind of happened on accident. Yes, he turned out to be a major jerk. Yes, i hurt some people along the way. Would i do it again? ...i dont know. Maybe. He was kind of what i needed during that transition summer. My parents didnt trust me, my friends were irritated, the guy who really liked me and who probably would have treated me like a princess...i hurt him. I didnt mean to. Everyone has to have one of those right? Well, i did. And i cant change it now even if i wanted to.

~* ~* ~* ~*

The second guy i kissed was in September. The month AFTER I started college. Jerkface number one...well turned out to be a jerkface. He ditched me, my friend caught him sleeping with someone else. Then he called me two weeks later to apologize and Hope yelled at him. So...havent talked to him since although i see him around sometimes.
Back to the second kid...total rebound. I was two months from my first kiss and realized i liked it...a lot. So...what's a girl to do? Three weeks in i realized that just making out on a somewhat regular basis wasnt the relationship i wanted...so i said goodbye and proceeded to remain single for oh...three more years. Cheers :)

Oh.. side note...the two and a half year sabbatical sin kisses...worth the wait. I think i picked two that didnt know what they were doing. sad times for them.
~* ~* ~*

So I think I've been in love twice, kissed a few more people than that..and well...hmmm...all in all it's been an interesting ride. Hope this story was a little more interesting than the assigned topic. If there are any holes in my story let me know, I'll fill you in. just didnt want this to turn into a book.

thanks Dana :)

A time when you feel most satisfied with life

<3

Times in my life i feel most satisfied are as follows, in no particular order:

*when my kindergartners wrap their arms around me, look me in the eyes and say "Ms Rose..i love you"

*When i go back to the MACK and one of my kids yell "Jenn! I missed you!!"

*When i fall asleep in the arms of someone i really like

*When i finish reading a really, really good book

*When i still hold onto my daddy's arm when crossing the road even though i am 21 years old

* When someone tells me that something i did made their day

*When I hear you laugh

*Dancing in the rain...especially when there is a bonfire

*spending Christmas at my grandma's house

*When we are in the car on the way to the beach, with the windows down

*When my puppy curls up at my feet

*When I'm laying on a blanket looking at the stars/fireworks

Any good time had with good friends results in a feeling of satisfaction :)

“You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time

Day 7: My zodiac Sign

I'm a Pisces...I don't put much stock in astrology, but do i match my sign. Oh yes. It is actually really accurate see the following for examples:

Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic


On the dark side....

Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague

They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter. Pisces make great friends and mates. Pisces are extremely loyal and caring

It's a pair of Fish that represents Pisces, a symbol that prompts others to suggest that these people 'go with the flow' and 'don't make waves.' Both of these labels are true, since Pisces are fluid and easy-going

Pisces are compassionate, charitable and will quickly put the needs of others ahead of their own. It's this kind of self-sacrifice that keeps these folks going. The flip side to their giving natures is that the oft-timid Fish are likely to be taken advantage of by less well-meaning souls.


*Dreamer, forgiver, lover-Pisces often have wild sides that they rarely let others in on, seeing as they believe the unexpected is out of character.

Your sexuality is fantasy-driven and dynamite when stoked by the right mixture of wish-fulfilment, appropriate environment and emotional stimulation (not to mention alcohol!)You tend to idealise your partner,you allow your imaginative emotions to cloud your judgement when it comes to sexual attraction.


I think that was a snapshot from every section the website had to offer: personality,
friendships, relationships, and sexuality.



So in summary: I daydream...a lot..and sometimes i don't even remember from one second to the next what it was about. I love art/music/poetry anything creative. I like helping people. It keeps me sane. this sometimes leads to me being taken advantage of. I don't hold grudges, i can't. And i tend to put people on pedestals...and keep them there.

“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”

30 random facts: (I’ve done this a few times so I will try to choose things not many people know)

1. I don’t mind if my socks are inside out
2. I am pretty good at public speaking because I can bs stuff without it sounding like it’s made up
3. I am a chronic insomniac. Have been for about 4 years…the only way I sleep well is if I am physically exhausted or am laying next to someone else
4. I love falling asleep outside
5. I have never been tempted to smoke…ever
6. However, the smell of newports is usually somewhat comforting
7. I over use the word “love” because I feel like life is a beautiful place that is underappreciated…although lately I have been trying to use words like “adore, admire…really, really like
8. I have been in love twice
9. I think I fell in love on the beach, and I blame the ocean



10. I believe teenagers can fall in love. I just believe they don’t have the discipline or actual desire to make it long term, which isn’t really a fault
11. I painted my nails black every day for an entire year, and once it hit a year (to the day it was January 3) I stopped. And don’t think I have had them black since…
12. I have a little sister, Victoria..and although she isn’t biologically my sister I will fight for her. She looks up to me and sometimes I worry that I’m not the best role model for her…



13. I used to wear bondage pants and chains…black one, red ones and dark blue ones (imagine that)
14. Whenever I am in an argument I tend to walk away to cool down because I hate people seeing me upset. I always hope that someone will care enough to follow me…to stop me. Even if they don’t know what to say they will hug me and validate my feelings
15. I hate when people talk down to me and say I’m irrational. I also hate being told that I’m acting like a girl. I am a girl. Why don’t you say what you really want to? I also feel that people’s emotions are only irrational if you aren’t the one feeling them. To the other person they may be completely rational.
16. I tense up when touched by someone I don’t know. I have to know you really well to let you hug me. Don’t take offense if you are a hug-y type person
17. However, sometimes I crave physical touch
18. I prefer homemade gifts to store bought ones. But if it is a store bought one…i love random little things that fit my personality. Something that shows you know me well
19. I will go out of my way to buy something for someone if I know they will like it. It’s a habit that leaves me broke often. But I love it
20. I find it adorable when a guy/girl uses cute-sy talk with their pets or with babies. It always finds its way into my heart
21. I still get the urge to break things
22. I can quote every line to While You Were Sleeping, and my mother and I do this often in normal conversation
23. I talk through movies…bad habit coming from someone who works at a theater but, oh well
24. I will go out of my way to make someone smile, because I never know what kind of day they are having/what their life is like. And sometimes the things you don’t know could break your heart
25. I give money to charities. I particularly love Angle Tree organizations
26. Christmas makes me super happy and super sad at the same time. But no worries, the happy usually wins out
27. I love having my hair played with
28. I attract creepers like nobody’s business. It’s insane how they find me. I think I have a neon sign that only they can see
29. I rarely ever cry about real life, but movies (especially sappy love stories, or ones with bad child/parent relationships) make me break down


30. I’m not ready to be a grown up

yes..i did just write a 1,000 word blog

Day..5? A time you thought about ending your own life

Ready for an emotional rollercoaster of a post? …


Let’s see…in middle school I had abandonment issues. I was a very quiet moody angsty teen, but who isn’t at that age? It wasn’t really abnormal. As later middle school begot high school I turned into the sane one that was supposed to keep everyone else grounded. I had the same friends since elementary school, and I loved them all. But things started changing. While my friends starting to experiment with drugs and getting drunk I was playing soccer and on the drama team. They stayed out late, and I got up early for SGA and Beta Club meetings. They had after school sex…and I got an after school job…big difference. I taught Sunday school, worked AT LEAST 40 hours a week, played multiple sports and joined almost every club available. I didn’t want free time. Free time left me feeling empty. I eventually got tired of taking care of everyone and not having anyone offer me anything in return.

So I stopped…

And they noticed. One day one of my friends started talking to me about something that had happened that upset her. I wasn’t in the mood, and as usual felt she had brought it on herself and should face the consequences. Later I went to work. Apparently while I was at work I missed 6 calls from her, forcing her to assume I was mad at her/was no longer interested in being her friend. That night she tried to kill herself. Her family intervened and she was rushed to the hospital. I still have to force myself to believe that this wasn’t at least partially my fault. She recovered, we were still friends. But it shook me up. I blamed myself for a long time.

I didn’t know how to be the good kid anymore. I was two different people.
At school, at home, at church, at work…I was reliable, dependable, happy, well mannered, sensible, nice to everyone, incredibly goal oriented and hardworking. In my head I was a screw up that couldn’t seem to get her life together. I would cry for no reason, I would have burst of anger that I tried to hide. I would get an overwhelming desire to break things.

I stopped eating. I would go for days without eating anything solid. I thought I had it under control until I passed out one day at work. I got away with it by telling my manager I just hadn't eaten that day and was a little dizzy. She started watching me after that. I would often say I didn’t have money for food so she started buying me dinner a few times a week and watching to make sure I actually ate it. She was definitely a role model for me although some would ague she doesn’t have her life together either.

I had cut myself off and on since about 8th grade, but it got worse. I also got worse at hiding it. I was approached my assistant manager at work who talked to me honestly. He basically told me to cut the shit. I owe him a lot. He doesn’t know it, nor will he. We used to talk quite a bit hanging out in the parking lot outside of work. Back when days were slow and people weren’t incredibly fascinated by what went on in someone else’s life.

I ran a lot. I ran until it hurt. Then I would lay down until I could convince myself to get up and run again. This all went on for about 3 years…I’m not exactly sure. But ask anyone I went to high school with and I am one of the most amazing well-adjusted kids they had ever met. Anyway, one point I was trying to make is that throughout all of these self-destructive behaviors, I never tried to kill myself. I knew, or hoped, that it would get better. I wanted to leave and find some place to start over and that happened when I got to college.

Not at first, at first I was still a crazy mess, though I hid it well. I ended an unhealthy relationship, fell for somebody else. Didn’t tell anyone angst angst (it’s fun to think about now) because I knew it wouldn’t work. I talked to the school therapist on day on a fluke. And Mitzy turned my life around. She really did. I just…needed someone to talk to I guess. She told me it was ok to feel things, that I had tried all of these ways to stop myself from feeling because it hurt too much. So I decided to work on that. To let people in. to forget the small stuff because I realized it no longer mattered.

I am proud to say that I haven’t cut myself since November 2007. Actually…I think I two days ago makes three years  . That doesn’t mean I don’t get the urge...habits die hard. But now when I do I separate myself and go for a walk. I don’t care how cold it is, how hot it is, if it’s pouring down rain. I will leave and I will walk. And sometimes, people that know my story will walk with me. It feels really good to know that I have someone I can trust like that.

So that’s my story, sorry it was so long. Also sorry for lack of pictures.

I love you guys

Because I'm not a Cheater

Day 4-What are your thoughts on God/Religion (or something to that affect)








There are just some things i cannot see without knowing without a doubt that there is a God in some shape/form/fashion. I can feel it, and i have a hard time believing people who say they can't i just feel as if it is something innate. As a Christian I believe in one God (he or she or whatever...i tend to believe God is non-gendered and gender is something assigned to mortals, which we assign to everything else because we can't comprehend differently). However, I respect other beliefs as well. I believe everyone has a right to worship in the way of his/her choosing.

As a child i was taught the Bible, i have read it through, can recap pretty much any story and have a large chunk of it memorized (KJV ofc). As i got older i realized that my parents form of religion may not be for me. Not that i disregard the Bible, I still turn to it for comfort or advice, but I have realized that although "inspired" by God it was written by men. Men with good intentions, but mortals nonetheless and their thoughts on God don't necessarily carry more weight than anyone else's.

My senior year of highschool i went through some hard times that i felt brought me closer in my relationship with God...yes we talk. Anyway...college changed that for me. I go to church occasionally, but i didnt really felt like i fit in at most churches. About 8 months ago, the week before spring break something happened that shook me up a little. My friends mom was hospitalized. it was a close call and it was really hard on her when everything was up in the air. I definitely prayed more in that week than i had prayed in the previous three years, and it brought me back to where i was at a prior point in my life. No matter what her thoughts/opinions of God are...she helped me reconcile with mine.



For extra reading (in case you are interested) I don't really like formal religion. Rules are what cause people to hate each other. Growing up i was always told that Christianity wasnt a religion it was a relationship...as i got older i realized that some of the people who told me that never acted on that principle for themselves. They were all about the rules, and if you didnt follow the rules, you werent allowed in their club. I didnt want to be in that club anyway. I found people that accepted me for who i was, and what i believed. open doors, open hearts, open minds.

That's how i want to live my life.

Oh yeah...and i believe in Angels
of all different kinds




There's a man standing on the corner
With a sign sayin "will work for food"
You know the man
You see him every morning
The one you never give your money to
You can sit there with your window rolled up
Wondering when the lights going to turn green
Never knowing what a couple more bucks
In his pocket might mean

What if he's an angel sent here from Heaven
And he's making certain that you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you going to pass that test
You can go on with your day to day
Trying to forget what you saw in his face
Knowing deep down it could have been his saving grace
What if he's an angel

First Date

I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with.
Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you.
Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through.
Tell me what the word "home" means to you and tell me in a way that I'll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8.
See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones.
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow?
And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek?
Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they're sad, even if it makes your lover mad?
Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?
See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time.
I want you tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you've been cruel. Tell me knowing I often picture Gandhi at ten years old beating up little boys at school.
If you were walking by a chemical plant, where smoke stacks were filling the sky with dark, black clouds, would you holler, "Poison! Poison! Poison!" really loud or would whisper, "That cloud looks like a fish, and that cloud looks like a fairy"?
Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you don't believe in miracles, tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me?
See, I wanna know if you believe in any god, or if you believe in many gods. Or better yet, what gods believe in you. And for all the times you've knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you've asked come true? And if they didn't did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who[m]?
I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you're feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you're feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass.
If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? Would you think less of me if I told you I have lived my entire life a little off key and I'm not nearly as smart as my poetry I just plagiarized the thoughts of the people around me who have learned the wisdom of silence.
Do you believe that concrete perpetuates violence? And if you do I want you to tell me of a meadow where my skateboard will soar.
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people's wounds.
And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted to you could pop but you never would because you'd never want it to stop.
If a tree fell in the forest, and you were the only one there to hear it, if its fall to the ground didn't make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didn't exist or would you bask in the bliss of your nothingness?
And lastly, let me ask you this: if you and I went for a walk, and the entire walk we didn't talk, do you think eventually we'd kiss? No wait... That's askin' too much after all, this is only our first date.

Day 3-Life can be good

To oversimplify my views of drugs and alcohol…if it’s illegal don’t do it. If it gets you so fucked up that it interferes with the rest of your life don’t do it. If it’s legal, doesn’t interfere with the rest of your life but leaves you with black holes in your memory…do less of it.

Ta-dah!

Ok…now more in depth. Alcohol first? I would like to say that I am against underage drinking. But the age varies on the country and other countries under 21 population tend to handle it just fine. I have two sides of this opinion which makes me comes across as a little hypocritical. For instance, I love my brother. But he, like most of his friends, isn’t old enough to legally drink. And when they do…they get loud and obnoxious, go out in public and cause problems. I don’t think they should be drinking. But that is more based on behavior rather than age. I have friends who aren’t quite 21 who drink. I am ok with this as long as they stay in their house and have fun/cause drama quietly. No worries.

Personally, I didn’t drink until I was 21 (unless out of the country where the legal age was different. I mean I had a birthday in Europe...who isn’t going to celebrate that?). I like to drink, I like to dance…and when I have a shot or two I let loose a little more, but when I drink I don’t drink excessively (ok, I’m not going to lie, I have before. But it doesn’t happen regularly at all. Waking up with holes in your memory is scary. I’m glad I have good friends.) In fact, 88% of the time I am the designated driver, which I don’t mind. When I say I don’t mind, I don’t mean that I don’t grumble about it, because sometimes I do. What I mean is I would much rather do that than get a phone call saying one of my friends is lying broken in a hospital. I have lost friends to drunk drivers and I would do pretty much anything to keep that from happening again. To those of you who think it’s alright to drive drunk. Grow up. You aren’t the only one who could get hurt. Call me if you need a ride.

Moving on…

Drugs: If they are illegal, don’t do them. Enough said. I don’t care if it’s not addictive, if it makes you feel good, etc. etc. I know it does. I just don’t want you to get into trouble. So much personal drama with that and it’s still fresh in my mind. When it’s legalized, knock yourself out. Just don’t think you are reaching a higher intellectual plain when you smoke. It’s actually just kind of funny to hear you babble your newly discovered philosophical thoughts. Do I judge people who smoke (pot) umm…I try not to. I really do. Because although I don’t agree…I understand that everyone has a vice. I just wish they could find a different one.

Harder drugs: stay away. They are addictive and gross. You will fuck up your life. Exhibit A: my uncle. You don’t want to end up like him….

In general: Just don’t let shit interfere with your “real” life because it becomes easy to forget that life can be good without pills, without alcohol, without drugs. And the truth is…life can be good. it can be very good.

Day 2-ten years from now..

I went with the physical/literal aspect rather than getting all sentimental. And I just want to start with a disclaimer saying that I am in no way a ms cleo...thank goodness. I do not know where i am going to be in ten years. I have ideas of where i would like to be...but the truth is i follow my heart. If it takes me out west..so be it. If it leaves me somewhere in the south on a porch swing over looking some form of natural beauty...then I am alright with that too.



I adore porch swings. always have, always will. something about them says "home". Just because i like to leave, doesnt mean i dont like coming home...because i do.



Same as above. It says home. I kind of adore the idea of being able to hide somewhere no one could find me...unless they knew where to look :) Besides, does it tells me i'm warm, and cozy, happy...and safe.



Yes, it's Italy. I told Randa we would go back one day...a girl can dream big right?




LA...been here twice and loved it. There is a sense of artistic movement that is hard to recapture. I'm not sure I will live here for an extended period of time, but I will return. It's an odyssey of mine. A pilgrimage if you will. I feel like there is something to find, and that may be a good place to start.





Well...if the picture isnt enough, the words should be <3

Day 1-Current Relationship

Wouldnt that be nice? ...can we go with hopeful? :p

time for the 3 month update?

It’s been forever since I’ve updated. I was recently going back through my old myspace and found some awesome blogs that I forgot about and it inspired me to get back on and update because I like being able to look back at my life. I actually haven’t changed that much since high school in case you were interested. I mean people change…events, well they actually have a tendency to repeat themselves. And me...I’m just along for the ride.

So first off I would just like to say that I really miss Whitney James.  I haven’t talked to my best friend in weeks because life is so insanely busy and I hate it, especially since she has been going through such a hard time recently. She knows she can call me anytime though. Or at least her phone does, because I do get random voicemails when her pocket decides to hit the speed dial button  I love being on speed dial. And I love Whitney and I wish she was here so I could talk about all the crazy…stuff…that has been going on. Remember when I met you at the beach over the summer and it took me four hours to get there bc of that traffic jam (and because I went to the wrong beach…) and I skipped lab, but you convinced me to spend the night and I made it back in time for class the next morning even though I had to leave ridiculously early? Remember how we walked and talked and walked and talked and fell asleep by the water and how life was perfect even though in reality everything was so bad? Well I miss you. A lot.

Another thing I would like to discuss is romantic relationships. Or lack there-of. Whatever. I can’t believe everyone is getting married. I mean, I know that’s what people do after college, I guess…it seems to be the popular choice anyway...but I refuse to feel alienated because I don’t have the desire to do so. Some people say it’s because I haven’t met the right person yet, but honestly I don’t really have the desire to go out and find the right person. I blame my parents. Not sure why, but it’s what most kids do right? So passing the blame.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want a relationship. Yeah…a steady committed one might be nice. But really, sometimes all I want is someone to hold me. I am a believer that touch has healing powers. Sometimes you just really need a physical connection with another human being (one that you are physically attracted to doesn’t hurt). Relaxing, stress relief, exciting, maybe just a brief break from reality. So yeah…a relationship would be nice don’t get me wrong, but maybe not a necessity at the time. I’ve been contemplating the idea of open relationships ever since someone on facebook asked me what it meant. (For general information, I am listed as being in an open relationship with Morgan Lutz…which may or may not be true. I’m leaning towards may not, because as much as I love Morgan…my choosing of that status simply implies that sometimes I miss her more than I can put into words). So yeah…this open relationship thing…not sure if I quite get it. A little more than friends with benefits maybe? I mean I’m not against it as long as all parties involved understand what’s going on. Is that weird? I’m actually not sure all parties would be able to handle it…because as little as I do know about girls, I do know one thing. Jealousy. Don’t get me started. Anyway…

The friend with benefits thing…been there, tried that. Ok..maybe tried isn’t necessarily in past tense. Or maybe it is. I take things as they come with that situation…it’s far away now. Ok…so 90 some odd miles might not be far. But it’s whatever…especially when someone’s heart is in Nevada. As far as benefits go, don’t jump to conclusions. I’m not thinking what you’re thinking…and even if I was, it’s none of your business.

I do have a question though: is “using someone” still considered bad if both parties are using each other equally and are both aware of it? I mean if I don’t find it problematic…is it still a problem? I’m not sure. My moral compass has become skewed toward my own morals and maybe not things commonly considered moral/immoral. However…I think my moral standards remain pretty high. Just saying.

…I love ellipses…oh and according to one description of my astrological sign…Pisces come across as asexual…

So respond
To one, or several, of the topics above….or make your own topic