i mean...i am...kinda...but the serious lack of updates isnt my fault
My parents got rid of the internet! (and heat...but that one isnt really their fault)
So when I am at my parents house i can only get internet if i sit ridiculously close to the back door. (which i happen to be doing now) so i can borrow it from the neighbors. any kind of movement will cause the internet to poof out. Which is why it has taken about three hours to write two blog updates. Sorry guys.
I love you.
I miss you
rinse...repeat for all
Happy New Year.
dude just hearing "2011" whigs me out
~later days~
Friday, December 31, 2010
nerf wars!
I got Christina a nerf gun because she said she coudnt remember the last time she had a nerf fight and i thought that was sad. Soooo....i fixed the problem and she spent the night attacking employess...and megan...and me... :)
Got nathan one too. just to make it fair. His is tiny for three year old hands. And he still has a hard time pulling the trigger. Such a cool kid.
We had a nerf fight today. He shoots himself with the gun because he can only pull the trigger with his thumb so he holds it backwards. He kept whispering to Christina to attack me. but the highlight was when he gave me his gun and said "attack sissy!"
really like this kid. anyway, it was a fun morning. Happy New Years Eve!
year in ups and downs
January:
*I’m sure there was a New Years party of some kind…but I don’t remember it
February:
*It snowed. A Lot! And Miranda played in it with me even though she was sick
March:
*up-Spring Break was amazing. Spent the week rebuilding a house with an incredible team.
*down-Sam’s mom got really, really sick
*up-did some pretty intense praying which is something I hadn’t done in a while
*up-Sam’s mom got better
*up-my 21st birthday party was so much fun!
April:
*pretty much all of April was really good
*TF Trip to Beufort
*Hope’s 21st birthday
*Jenn officially comes out of the closet (oh snap)
*got into the cottages with my suite! And Sjaan and Sarah! Lots of happy dances
May:
*The beginning was good, the ending was bad. The end
June:
*down-took a chemistry class of doom
*up-passed the class
*down-had my heart fractured slightly (no worries, I’m a quick healer)
*up-solved that by skipping class and going to the beach
July:
*Spent the month in Mexico! It was incredible. My roommate was awesome, my family was super nice, Kristina always kept me laughing
August:
*came back to the states
*met a really cool kid at a bar..whose name I cant remember…don’t judge me. She moved …ok I know I suck.
*anyway, she introduced me to Alex..who introduced me to Lexie. Yay for new friends!
*started school back-got to see my favorite people!
*down-started missing Morgan
September:
*Pride!
*meeting new people especially Cortney and Dana (once again yay! For new people)
*my kindergarteners!
*Pop-culture conference with Sam and Hope. Good and bad all the way around
October:
*honors conference. gooooood times =]
*Umm…Halloween?
November:
*down-drama, drama, drama
*up-I have the best suite ever
*up-Christmas lights with Becca!
*up-Black Friday shopping with the cousins!
December:
*Christmas tree lighting
*fun times with the suite
*tattoo!
*back to work
*back to hanging out with people I don’t get to see when I am in school
*I couldn’t ask for a better support system than my cousins (the Fourwheeler) the rest of my family thinks we are insane
*I’m sure there was a New Years party of some kind…but I don’t remember it
February:
*It snowed. A Lot! And Miranda played in it with me even though she was sick
March:
*up-Spring Break was amazing. Spent the week rebuilding a house with an incredible team.
*down-Sam’s mom got really, really sick
*up-did some pretty intense praying which is something I hadn’t done in a while
*up-Sam’s mom got better
*up-my 21st birthday party was so much fun!
April:
*pretty much all of April was really good
*TF Trip to Beufort
*Hope’s 21st birthday
*Jenn officially comes out of the closet (oh snap)
*got into the cottages with my suite! And Sjaan and Sarah! Lots of happy dances
May:
*The beginning was good, the ending was bad. The end
June:
*down-took a chemistry class of doom
*up-passed the class
*down-had my heart fractured slightly (no worries, I’m a quick healer)
*up-solved that by skipping class and going to the beach
July:
*Spent the month in Mexico! It was incredible. My roommate was awesome, my family was super nice, Kristina always kept me laughing
August:
*came back to the states
*met a really cool kid at a bar..whose name I cant remember…don’t judge me. She moved …ok I know I suck.
*anyway, she introduced me to Alex..who introduced me to Lexie. Yay for new friends!
*started school back-got to see my favorite people!
*down-started missing Morgan
September:
*Pride!
*meeting new people especially Cortney and Dana (once again yay! For new people)
*my kindergarteners!
*Pop-culture conference with Sam and Hope. Good and bad all the way around
October:
*honors conference. gooooood times =]
*Umm…Halloween?
November:
*down-drama, drama, drama
*up-I have the best suite ever
*up-Christmas lights with Becca!
*up-Black Friday shopping with the cousins!
December:
*Christmas tree lighting
*fun times with the suite
*tattoo!
*back to work
*back to hanging out with people I don’t get to see when I am in school
*I couldn’t ask for a better support system than my cousins (the Fourwheeler) the rest of my family thinks we are insane
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I can't be what you want
So i decided to be myself
..and I'm so much happier
I'm not a dyke
I will never be one
Yeah...she's pretty attractive. But she isn't me. Sometimes (ok usually) i'm in a jeans and t-shirt mood (don't we all have those?) But sometimes...
I like pretty dresses and nail polish that changes colors in the sun. I like straightening my hair and wearing pretty rings that sparkle when i move my fingers around. I like heels. I like anklets and earrings that jingle. i like smelling like christmas <3 and in the spring i like smelling like flowers.
I'm a low-maintenance kind of girly-girl
and...i like it <3
*disclaimer-yeah I know that dyke has a negative connotation, that's not the way I am using it. I also know that not everyone uses it to mean "butch" and in this context, I'm not really using that way either. It's hard to explain, but if you've been where i am, you probably have a good idea of what I am talking about.
*sigh*
sad that i have to add a disclaimer to my own blog?
..and I'm so much happier
I'm not a dyke
I will never be one
Yeah...she's pretty attractive. But she isn't me. Sometimes (ok usually) i'm in a jeans and t-shirt mood (don't we all have those?) But sometimes...
I like pretty dresses and nail polish that changes colors in the sun. I like straightening my hair and wearing pretty rings that sparkle when i move my fingers around. I like heels. I like anklets and earrings that jingle. i like smelling like christmas <3 and in the spring i like smelling like flowers.
I'm a low-maintenance kind of girly-girl
and...i like it <3
*disclaimer-yeah I know that dyke has a negative connotation, that's not the way I am using it. I also know that not everyone uses it to mean "butch" and in this context, I'm not really using that way either. It's hard to explain, but if you've been where i am, you probably have a good idea of what I am talking about.
*sigh*
sad that i have to add a disclaimer to my own blog?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
here's the deal...
I didnt have internet over Thanksgiving break, and it is, as you all know, Hell Week at school. So...sorry for the SERIOUS lack of updates.
Thanksgiving break was fun. Got to catch up with one of my good friends i havent hung out with in what seems like AGES. Dinner with the family...all 50+ of them showed up :) Black Friday shopping with my favorite cousins...minus a few who were slack and stayed in bed *cough* Lora, Victoria *cough* still love them though.
So...despite it being hell week and all, the week actually hasnt been that bad. I am doing well. Most of my work is done. And my mood is quite a bit better than it has been in a while. I think I am going to chalk it up to seeing family/friends i havent seen in a while. And some lessons learned.
One thing I have discovered, "When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life." Yes, i did just quote mean girls. And i apologize. But it holds true. Sometimes you're the poison, some times other people are poison. You can't make everyone like you. Some people just won't. It is not worth it to harm yourself in your efforts to win approval. Forget that. If they don't know how awesome you are, then it's their loss.
Enjoy the friends you have. Love the life you live <3
Sometimes you need to roll down the windows and scream out the lyrics to your favorite song. Sometimes you need to dance around your room with your suite mate. Sometimes you need to blow up a friends phone with text messages, forget the paper and go get ice cream, or curl up in a ball and watch a Weeds marathon while trying to force yourself to do homework
Sometimes...it's the little things that make it better.
<3
Thanksgiving break was fun. Got to catch up with one of my good friends i havent hung out with in what seems like AGES. Dinner with the family...all 50+ of them showed up :) Black Friday shopping with my favorite cousins...minus a few who were slack and stayed in bed *cough* Lora, Victoria *cough* still love them though.
So...despite it being hell week and all, the week actually hasnt been that bad. I am doing well. Most of my work is done. And my mood is quite a bit better than it has been in a while. I think I am going to chalk it up to seeing family/friends i havent seen in a while. And some lessons learned.
One thing I have discovered, "When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life." Yes, i did just quote mean girls. And i apologize. But it holds true. Sometimes you're the poison, some times other people are poison. You can't make everyone like you. Some people just won't. It is not worth it to harm yourself in your efforts to win approval. Forget that. If they don't know how awesome you are, then it's their loss.
Enjoy the friends you have. Love the life you live <3
Sometimes you need to roll down the windows and scream out the lyrics to your favorite song. Sometimes you need to dance around your room with your suite mate. Sometimes you need to blow up a friends phone with text messages, forget the paper and go get ice cream, or curl up in a ball and watch a Weeds marathon while trying to force yourself to do homework
Sometimes...it's the little things that make it better.
<3
Sunday, November 21, 2010
My Earliest Memory
I think something traumatic may have happened to me as a child, because i really dont have any clear memories until i was about 6. I have some sensory memories. I remember the feel of the plastic that covered the chains on the monkey bars at daycare. I remember the scrape of the concrete on my legs when we had to sit on the sidewalk outside. I remember the smell of the cedar tree in my grandmas yard that i used to always get stuck in. i remember begging my parents to take my brother back to the hospital..but eventually i fell in love with his tiny crying self. I remember my lion king bedroom slippers. I remember shuffling them across my hardwood floor because they were so furry and slippery. i remember going to my some unknown distant relative who was about a hundred years old's house in the middle of nowhere and thinking it was so cool that i could ride my bike all over the place and run around barefoot because i could never do that in charleston. I remember sea shells and rolly pollys and i had strange obsession with collecting both. I remember failing at piano lessons for years...but my daddy used to play catch with me while we waited for my brother to finish his lesson and so it was always worth it. I remember getting swimmers ear at least once a week for an entire summer. I remember getting lice so many times in the second grade that i wished the girl behind me would shave her head so she would stop bringing that crap back to school, but she was one of my best friends so i never said anything. I just sat there as my mom put the nasty bottle of RID on my hair yet again.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Deviation
So I am still in the game, I have managed to update every day this month. I am just skipping todays topic again. Because they are all starting to overlap and if you guys dont know of any place I would like to go/visit/live...then you dont know me anyway.
A had a few very bad days this week. Well, two very bad days. And it has led to some self-reflection.
What happened was that I was going through a rough time and got some bad news. I dont like sharing my problems with people really, but i like them to be around. They dont necesarily have to say anything I just like the support. And at the beginning of the week i was feeling super lonely.
One of my problems is that i expect people to act in a way i would act, I hold them to the same standard i hold myself, and not everyone thinks or reacts the same way, and this sometimes upsets me.
This works against me in two ways. One, I often have unrealistic expectations for people. If someone asks me to do something, unless what I am doing is drastically important, I will drop it in order to help them out. You need food, done. A ride, alright. Help with homework...ok. I usually dont mind helping people out because in my mind i believe they will return the favor. And they do, just not always when i would like them to. If I really want/need someone i get upset when they are unable/unwilling to help me. I might not make it sound like a big deal, but sometimes it feels like one. I feel like if i drop everything for you, i deserve the same. But not everyone has that mindset. And that is ok. So what if I dont have anyone to go on a food run, stay up late to study with or just hang out when i am feeling lonely. It's not the end of the world. People are busy. I know (or at least think i know) that when i REALLY need them, they will all be there for me.
On the flip side I often try to treat people the way i would like to be treated in a situation and get a little upset if they are unappreciative. I have to remember that not everyone appreciates the same things i do and not everyone shows appreciation in the same way.
It's kind of like that love language thing. It's been a few years since i heard this, but i think it's something like: touch, time, presents, words...and something else i dont remember...and i'm just going off on tangents now anyway.
The point is, even when i am feeling ignored I have to remember that i have some of the best friends i could ever ask for, and even when we dont see eye to eye on some things, that doesnt mean that they dont appreciate me, or that i dont appreciate them.
A had a few very bad days this week. Well, two very bad days. And it has led to some self-reflection.
What happened was that I was going through a rough time and got some bad news. I dont like sharing my problems with people really, but i like them to be around. They dont necesarily have to say anything I just like the support. And at the beginning of the week i was feeling super lonely.
One of my problems is that i expect people to act in a way i would act, I hold them to the same standard i hold myself, and not everyone thinks or reacts the same way, and this sometimes upsets me.
This works against me in two ways. One, I often have unrealistic expectations for people. If someone asks me to do something, unless what I am doing is drastically important, I will drop it in order to help them out. You need food, done. A ride, alright. Help with homework...ok. I usually dont mind helping people out because in my mind i believe they will return the favor. And they do, just not always when i would like them to. If I really want/need someone i get upset when they are unable/unwilling to help me. I might not make it sound like a big deal, but sometimes it feels like one. I feel like if i drop everything for you, i deserve the same. But not everyone has that mindset. And that is ok. So what if I dont have anyone to go on a food run, stay up late to study with or just hang out when i am feeling lonely. It's not the end of the world. People are busy. I know (or at least think i know) that when i REALLY need them, they will all be there for me.
On the flip side I often try to treat people the way i would like to be treated in a situation and get a little upset if they are unappreciative. I have to remember that not everyone appreciates the same things i do and not everyone shows appreciation in the same way.
It's kind of like that love language thing. It's been a few years since i heard this, but i think it's something like: touch, time, presents, words...and something else i dont remember...and i'm just going off on tangents now anyway.
The point is, even when i am feeling ignored I have to remember that i have some of the best friends i could ever ask for, and even when we dont see eye to eye on some things, that doesnt mean that they dont appreciate me, or that i dont appreciate them.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
The mind is not a book, to be opened at will and examined at leisure. Thoughts are not etched on the inside of skulls, to be perused by an invader. The mind is a complex and many-layered thing.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
The mind is not a book, to be opened at will and examined at leisure. Thoughts are not etched on the inside of skulls, to be perused by an invader. The mind is a complex and many-layered thing.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Bullet your day
my entire day?
this could get a little long...
part 1
*Woke up at 6:00
*Hit snooze button at least 3 times
*Grumpily got out of bed
*Took shower and felt much better about life
*Got ready for school
*Waited on my chronically tardy suitemate
*Went to kindergarten
*got a new student...he has a mohawk...legit
*Did school stuff
*Dove back to CC
*debated skipping math
*went to math
*Played with blocks
*Cut paper into tiny pieces
*End of class
Part 2
*Lunch!
*Sat at table by myself :(
*until Desirae told me fun stories from 1109
*Then Miranda came
*and Sam
* and the rest of the HP crew all decked out for HP day!!
*then Lindsey, Gena
*Class!!
Part 3
*Blind panic teaching fellow stuff
*Came to my room to find my roommate bundled up on the couch in the dark entranced by The Chamber of Secrets
*short nap
*turned into longer nap
*homework...mass panic...so much due tomorrow
*debated nonsense of going to movie when i have so much to do
*definitely going anyway....duh
Part 4
*had to find my car...becca parked her in the boonies
*DA necklace :)
*dinner...was yucky
*ASC-annamay and Hope
*Hope was strange and awkward and kept talking about her bellybutton
*smartboad practice
*Order of the Phoenix-hate Umbridge! hmmhmm
*2.25 hours until we leave for Potter-venture!
*slideshow done and lesson plan completed
*need to write my paper
*Miranda is going to starbucks :/
Part 5
*finished an assignment
*miranda brought me back coffee <3
*sjaan calls freaking out...seats are filling up and it's only 9:30!
*text Sam
*get ready...make sure Miranda is ready
*text Sam again
*dance around the room to Harry Potter songs
*call Sam
*leave!
*food
*theater
*CC party for 2.5 hours because we got there THAT early
*Yes..we took up 2 1/2 rows
*I give really bad directions
*THIS MOVIE IS REALLY IMPORTANT!!
*more food
*3:30 in the AM!
*sleep for 2.5 hours
* 5 hour energy
*new day :)
this could get a little long...
part 1
*Woke up at 6:00
*Hit snooze button at least 3 times
*Grumpily got out of bed
*Took shower and felt much better about life
*Got ready for school
*Waited on my chronically tardy suitemate
*Went to kindergarten
*got a new student...he has a mohawk...legit
*Did school stuff
*Dove back to CC
*debated skipping math
*went to math
*Played with blocks
*Cut paper into tiny pieces
*End of class
Part 2
*Lunch!
*Sat at table by myself :(
*until Desirae told me fun stories from 1109
*Then Miranda came
*and Sam
* and the rest of the HP crew all decked out for HP day!!
*then Lindsey, Gena
*Class!!
Part 3
*Blind panic teaching fellow stuff
*Came to my room to find my roommate bundled up on the couch in the dark entranced by The Chamber of Secrets
*short nap
*turned into longer nap
*homework...mass panic...so much due tomorrow
*debated nonsense of going to movie when i have so much to do
*definitely going anyway....duh
Part 4
*had to find my car...becca parked her in the boonies
*DA necklace :)
*dinner...was yucky
*ASC-annamay and Hope
*Hope was strange and awkward and kept talking about her bellybutton
*smartboad practice
*Order of the Phoenix-hate Umbridge! hmmhmm
*2.25 hours until we leave for Potter-venture!
*slideshow done and lesson plan completed
*need to write my paper
*Miranda is going to starbucks :/
Part 5
*finished an assignment
*miranda brought me back coffee <3
*sjaan calls freaking out...seats are filling up and it's only 9:30!
*text Sam
*get ready...make sure Miranda is ready
*text Sam again
*dance around the room to Harry Potter songs
*call Sam
*leave!
*food
*theater
*CC party for 2.5 hours because we got there THAT early
*Yes..we took up 2 1/2 rows
*I give really bad directions
*THIS MOVIE IS REALLY IMPORTANT!!
*more food
*3:30 in the AM!
*sleep for 2.5 hours
* 5 hour energy
*new day :)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
mix it up
I-pod on shuffle: first ten songs...no matter what...
How to save a life ~The Fray
Adding to the Noise-Switchfoot
Broken Wing-Martina McBride
(want to) make a memory-Bon Jovi
Sk8er Boi-Avril
Everybody;s broken-Bon Jovi
Symphony number 3-Beethoven
Here Comes the Sun-The Beatles
There She Goes-Six Pence None the Richer
You're so Vain-Carly Simon
Yeah...slightly eclectic.
I think I am going to jam to sk8er boi now
:)
How to save a life ~The Fray
Adding to the Noise-Switchfoot
Broken Wing-Martina McBride
(want to) make a memory-Bon Jovi
Sk8er Boi-Avril
Everybody;s broken-Bon Jovi
Symphony number 3-Beethoven
Here Comes the Sun-The Beatles
There She Goes-Six Pence None the Richer
You're so Vain-Carly Simon
Yeah...slightly eclectic.
I think I am going to jam to sk8er boi now
:)
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Addicted
It runs through my veins
I hate how easily i get attached
Might not be his drug of choice
Or his liquid courage
But it's my own brand of poison
And i have him to think
For my weak genes
I hate how easily i get attached
Might not be his drug of choice
Or his liquid courage
But it's my own brand of poison
And i have him to think
For my weak genes
i was like...baby, baby, baby oh...
:)
so the topic today is kinda of lame and a repeat. What do you want your future to be like...i'll some up in one word. Happy.
Moving on...(because i know i have at least one loyal reader and she deserves more than a one word blog)..i will write about tomorrow's topic, which will put me a day ahead, but who know's i might get slack later. If not, i'll make up another topic for day 30.
First love and first kiss..ready, go:
Definitely not the same person. No where close. I fell in love for the first time when i was 15/16...not sure, depends on the month of the year. I could tell you if i had old journals handy, which i don't. He was 18. He sang, played the guitar, wrote his own music. His poetry was really good. He could make me laugh, had a great taste in movie...he wore a cowboy hat you guys..a black one. *sigh*
i started off being friends with his younger sister. We were the same age. i soon realized i had more in common with him though. We became friends. For a while best friends. We would stay up until ridiculous hours talking about history and literature and watching old movies. We played computer games and shared books and were complete nerds. That kid won my heart without putting forth any effort whatsoever. Yeah...i fell for my best friend. It happens. To me.
He would tell me about all the girls he liked and i kinda wanted to hit all of them. mostly him though. Because i knew they werent compatible. None of them. He started dating this one girl i couldnt stand. Beautiful, perky, super nice (fake?). I really wanted to find a reason not to like her. But i couldnt. It was unjustified. The relationship didnt last long. But long enough to equate to one of my lowest points. And many, many upsetting journal entries that still make me hurt for the girl i used to be.
A few months later he started dating my best friend. I was super happy for her, she deserved to be happy with someone awesome. Not a lie. But seeing them together still hurt. So i started spending less time with both of them. he moved far away to college. And i thought i had gotten him out of my mind, but every time he would return i would fall again. Heels over head couldnt help myself. And anyone who knew me could tell we were more than friends no matter what i said. In fact the guy who was my first kiss (more on that later) was super jealous of him.
So what happened to Mr Amazing? i dont know...he's married now. I havent talked to him in about two years. I hope she is amazing. And i hope they are both ridiculously happy. He deserves it.
~* ~* ~* ~*
My first kiss...I was 18. It was the month before i started college. he was...quite a bit older than me. And to not bring up old drama, he was probably someone i shouldnt have gotten involved with. But it all kind of happened on accident. Yes, he turned out to be a major jerk. Yes, i hurt some people along the way. Would i do it again? ...i dont know. Maybe. He was kind of what i needed during that transition summer. My parents didnt trust me, my friends were irritated, the guy who really liked me and who probably would have treated me like a princess...i hurt him. I didnt mean to. Everyone has to have one of those right? Well, i did. And i cant change it now even if i wanted to.
~* ~* ~* ~*
The second guy i kissed was in September. The month AFTER I started college. Jerkface number one...well turned out to be a jerkface. He ditched me, my friend caught him sleeping with someone else. Then he called me two weeks later to apologize and Hope yelled at him. So...havent talked to him since although i see him around sometimes.
Back to the second kid...total rebound. I was two months from my first kiss and realized i liked it...a lot. So...what's a girl to do? Three weeks in i realized that just making out on a somewhat regular basis wasnt the relationship i wanted...so i said goodbye and proceeded to remain single for oh...three more years. Cheers :)
Oh.. side note...the two and a half year sabbatical sin kisses...worth the wait. I think i picked two that didnt know what they were doing. sad times for them.
~* ~* ~*
So I think I've been in love twice, kissed a few more people than that..and well...hmmm...all in all it's been an interesting ride. Hope this story was a little more interesting than the assigned topic. If there are any holes in my story let me know, I'll fill you in. just didnt want this to turn into a book.
so the topic today is kinda of lame and a repeat. What do you want your future to be like...i'll some up in one word. Happy.
Moving on...(because i know i have at least one loyal reader and she deserves more than a one word blog)..i will write about tomorrow's topic, which will put me a day ahead, but who know's i might get slack later. If not, i'll make up another topic for day 30.
First love and first kiss..ready, go:
Definitely not the same person. No where close. I fell in love for the first time when i was 15/16...not sure, depends on the month of the year. I could tell you if i had old journals handy, which i don't. He was 18. He sang, played the guitar, wrote his own music. His poetry was really good. He could make me laugh, had a great taste in movie...he wore a cowboy hat you guys..a black one. *sigh*
i started off being friends with his younger sister. We were the same age. i soon realized i had more in common with him though. We became friends. For a while best friends. We would stay up until ridiculous hours talking about history and literature and watching old movies. We played computer games and shared books and were complete nerds. That kid won my heart without putting forth any effort whatsoever. Yeah...i fell for my best friend. It happens. To me.
He would tell me about all the girls he liked and i kinda wanted to hit all of them. mostly him though. Because i knew they werent compatible. None of them. He started dating this one girl i couldnt stand. Beautiful, perky, super nice (fake?). I really wanted to find a reason not to like her. But i couldnt. It was unjustified. The relationship didnt last long. But long enough to equate to one of my lowest points. And many, many upsetting journal entries that still make me hurt for the girl i used to be.
A few months later he started dating my best friend. I was super happy for her, she deserved to be happy with someone awesome. Not a lie. But seeing them together still hurt. So i started spending less time with both of them. he moved far away to college. And i thought i had gotten him out of my mind, but every time he would return i would fall again. Heels over head couldnt help myself. And anyone who knew me could tell we were more than friends no matter what i said. In fact the guy who was my first kiss (more on that later) was super jealous of him.
So what happened to Mr Amazing? i dont know...he's married now. I havent talked to him in about two years. I hope she is amazing. And i hope they are both ridiculously happy. He deserves it.
~* ~* ~* ~*
My first kiss...I was 18. It was the month before i started college. he was...quite a bit older than me. And to not bring up old drama, he was probably someone i shouldnt have gotten involved with. But it all kind of happened on accident. Yes, he turned out to be a major jerk. Yes, i hurt some people along the way. Would i do it again? ...i dont know. Maybe. He was kind of what i needed during that transition summer. My parents didnt trust me, my friends were irritated, the guy who really liked me and who probably would have treated me like a princess...i hurt him. I didnt mean to. Everyone has to have one of those right? Well, i did. And i cant change it now even if i wanted to.
~* ~* ~* ~*
The second guy i kissed was in September. The month AFTER I started college. Jerkface number one...well turned out to be a jerkface. He ditched me, my friend caught him sleeping with someone else. Then he called me two weeks later to apologize and Hope yelled at him. So...havent talked to him since although i see him around sometimes.
Back to the second kid...total rebound. I was two months from my first kiss and realized i liked it...a lot. So...what's a girl to do? Three weeks in i realized that just making out on a somewhat regular basis wasnt the relationship i wanted...so i said goodbye and proceeded to remain single for oh...three more years. Cheers :)
Oh.. side note...the two and a half year sabbatical sin kisses...worth the wait. I think i picked two that didnt know what they were doing. sad times for them.
~* ~* ~*
So I think I've been in love twice, kissed a few more people than that..and well...hmmm...all in all it's been an interesting ride. Hope this story was a little more interesting than the assigned topic. If there are any holes in my story let me know, I'll fill you in. just didnt want this to turn into a book.
Monday, November 15, 2010
thanks Dana :)
A time when you feel most satisfied with life
<3
Times in my life i feel most satisfied are as follows, in no particular order:
*when my kindergartners wrap their arms around me, look me in the eyes and say "Ms Rose..i love you"
*When i go back to the MACK and one of my kids yell "Jenn! I missed you!!"
*When i fall asleep in the arms of someone i really like
*When i finish reading a really, really good book
*When i still hold onto my daddy's arm when crossing the road even though i am 21 years old
* When someone tells me that something i did made their day
*When I hear you laugh
*Dancing in the rain...especially when there is a bonfire
*spending Christmas at my grandma's house
*When we are in the car on the way to the beach, with the windows down
*When my puppy curls up at my feet
*When I'm laying on a blanket looking at the stars/fireworks
Any good time had with good friends results in a feeling of satisfaction :)
<3
Times in my life i feel most satisfied are as follows, in no particular order:
*when my kindergartners wrap their arms around me, look me in the eyes and say "Ms Rose..i love you"
*When i go back to the MACK and one of my kids yell "Jenn! I missed you!!"
*When i fall asleep in the arms of someone i really like
*When i finish reading a really, really good book
*When i still hold onto my daddy's arm when crossing the road even though i am 21 years old
* When someone tells me that something i did made their day
*When I hear you laugh
*Dancing in the rain...especially when there is a bonfire
*spending Christmas at my grandma's house
*When we are in the car on the way to the beach, with the windows down
*When my puppy curls up at my feet
*When I'm laying on a blanket looking at the stars/fireworks
Any good time had with good friends results in a feeling of satisfaction :)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
“You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time
Day 7: My zodiac Sign
I'm a Pisces...I don't put much stock in astrology, but do i match my sign. Oh yes. It is actually really accurate see the following for examples:
Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic
On the dark side....
Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague
They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter. Pisces make great friends and mates. Pisces are extremely loyal and caring
It's a pair of Fish that represents Pisces, a symbol that prompts others to suggest that these people 'go with the flow' and 'don't make waves.' Both of these labels are true, since Pisces are fluid and easy-going
Pisces are compassionate, charitable and will quickly put the needs of others ahead of their own. It's this kind of self-sacrifice that keeps these folks going. The flip side to their giving natures is that the oft-timid Fish are likely to be taken advantage of by less well-meaning souls.
*Dreamer, forgiver, lover-Pisces often have wild sides that they rarely let others in on, seeing as they believe the unexpected is out of character.
Your sexuality is fantasy-driven and dynamite when stoked by the right mixture of wish-fulfilment, appropriate environment and emotional stimulation (not to mention alcohol!)You tend to idealise your partner,you allow your imaginative emotions to cloud your judgement when it comes to sexual attraction.
I think that was a snapshot from every section the website had to offer: personality,
friendships, relationships, and sexuality.
So in summary: I daydream...a lot..and sometimes i don't even remember from one second to the next what it was about. I love art/music/poetry anything creative. I like helping people. It keeps me sane. this sometimes leads to me being taken advantage of. I don't hold grudges, i can't. And i tend to put people on pedestals...and keep them there.
I'm a Pisces...I don't put much stock in astrology, but do i match my sign. Oh yes. It is actually really accurate see the following for examples:
Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic
On the dark side....
Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague
They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter. Pisces make great friends and mates. Pisces are extremely loyal and caring
It's a pair of Fish that represents Pisces, a symbol that prompts others to suggest that these people 'go with the flow' and 'don't make waves.' Both of these labels are true, since Pisces are fluid and easy-going
Pisces are compassionate, charitable and will quickly put the needs of others ahead of their own. It's this kind of self-sacrifice that keeps these folks going. The flip side to their giving natures is that the oft-timid Fish are likely to be taken advantage of by less well-meaning souls.
*Dreamer, forgiver, lover-Pisces often have wild sides that they rarely let others in on, seeing as they believe the unexpected is out of character.
Your sexuality is fantasy-driven and dynamite when stoked by the right mixture of wish-fulfilment, appropriate environment and emotional stimulation (not to mention alcohol!)You tend to idealise your partner,you allow your imaginative emotions to cloud your judgement when it comes to sexual attraction.
I think that was a snapshot from every section the website had to offer: personality,
friendships, relationships, and sexuality.
So in summary: I daydream...a lot..and sometimes i don't even remember from one second to the next what it was about. I love art/music/poetry anything creative. I like helping people. It keeps me sane. this sometimes leads to me being taken advantage of. I don't hold grudges, i can't. And i tend to put people on pedestals...and keep them there.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”
30 random facts: (I’ve done this a few times so I will try to choose things not many people know)
1. I don’t mind if my socks are inside out
2. I am pretty good at public speaking because I can bs stuff without it sounding like it’s made up
3. I am a chronic insomniac. Have been for about 4 years…the only way I sleep well is if I am physically exhausted or am laying next to someone else
4. I love falling asleep outside
5. I have never been tempted to smoke…ever
6. However, the smell of newports is usually somewhat comforting
7. I over use the word “love” because I feel like life is a beautiful place that is underappreciated…although lately I have been trying to use words like “adore, admire…really, really like
8. I have been in love twice
9. I think I fell in love on the beach, and I blame the ocean
10. I believe teenagers can fall in love. I just believe they don’t have the discipline or actual desire to make it long term, which isn’t really a fault
11. I painted my nails black every day for an entire year, and once it hit a year (to the day it was January 3) I stopped. And don’t think I have had them black since…
12. I have a little sister, Victoria..and although she isn’t biologically my sister I will fight for her. She looks up to me and sometimes I worry that I’m not the best role model for her…
13. I used to wear bondage pants and chains…black one, red ones and dark blue ones (imagine that)
14. Whenever I am in an argument I tend to walk away to cool down because I hate people seeing me upset. I always hope that someone will care enough to follow me…to stop me. Even if they don’t know what to say they will hug me and validate my feelings
15. I hate when people talk down to me and say I’m irrational. I also hate being told that I’m acting like a girl. I am a girl. Why don’t you say what you really want to? I also feel that people’s emotions are only irrational if you aren’t the one feeling them. To the other person they may be completely rational.
16. I tense up when touched by someone I don’t know. I have to know you really well to let you hug me. Don’t take offense if you are a hug-y type person
17. However, sometimes I crave physical touch
18. I prefer homemade gifts to store bought ones. But if it is a store bought one…i love random little things that fit my personality. Something that shows you know me well
19. I will go out of my way to buy something for someone if I know they will like it. It’s a habit that leaves me broke often. But I love it
20. I find it adorable when a guy/girl uses cute-sy talk with their pets or with babies. It always finds its way into my heart
21. I still get the urge to break things
22. I can quote every line to While You Were Sleeping, and my mother and I do this often in normal conversation
23. I talk through movies…bad habit coming from someone who works at a theater but, oh well
24. I will go out of my way to make someone smile, because I never know what kind of day they are having/what their life is like. And sometimes the things you don’t know could break your heart
25. I give money to charities. I particularly love Angle Tree organizations
26. Christmas makes me super happy and super sad at the same time. But no worries, the happy usually wins out
27. I love having my hair played with
28. I attract creepers like nobody’s business. It’s insane how they find me. I think I have a neon sign that only they can see
29. I rarely ever cry about real life, but movies (especially sappy love stories, or ones with bad child/parent relationships) make me break down
30. I’m not ready to be a grown up
1. I don’t mind if my socks are inside out
2. I am pretty good at public speaking because I can bs stuff without it sounding like it’s made up
3. I am a chronic insomniac. Have been for about 4 years…the only way I sleep well is if I am physically exhausted or am laying next to someone else
4. I love falling asleep outside
5. I have never been tempted to smoke…ever
6. However, the smell of newports is usually somewhat comforting
7. I over use the word “love” because I feel like life is a beautiful place that is underappreciated…although lately I have been trying to use words like “adore, admire…really, really like
8. I have been in love twice
9. I think I fell in love on the beach, and I blame the ocean
10. I believe teenagers can fall in love. I just believe they don’t have the discipline or actual desire to make it long term, which isn’t really a fault
11. I painted my nails black every day for an entire year, and once it hit a year (to the day it was January 3) I stopped. And don’t think I have had them black since…
12. I have a little sister, Victoria..and although she isn’t biologically my sister I will fight for her. She looks up to me and sometimes I worry that I’m not the best role model for her…
13. I used to wear bondage pants and chains…black one, red ones and dark blue ones (imagine that)
14. Whenever I am in an argument I tend to walk away to cool down because I hate people seeing me upset. I always hope that someone will care enough to follow me…to stop me. Even if they don’t know what to say they will hug me and validate my feelings
15. I hate when people talk down to me and say I’m irrational. I also hate being told that I’m acting like a girl. I am a girl. Why don’t you say what you really want to? I also feel that people’s emotions are only irrational if you aren’t the one feeling them. To the other person they may be completely rational.
16. I tense up when touched by someone I don’t know. I have to know you really well to let you hug me. Don’t take offense if you are a hug-y type person
17. However, sometimes I crave physical touch
18. I prefer homemade gifts to store bought ones. But if it is a store bought one…i love random little things that fit my personality. Something that shows you know me well
19. I will go out of my way to buy something for someone if I know they will like it. It’s a habit that leaves me broke often. But I love it
20. I find it adorable when a guy/girl uses cute-sy talk with their pets or with babies. It always finds its way into my heart
21. I still get the urge to break things
22. I can quote every line to While You Were Sleeping, and my mother and I do this often in normal conversation
23. I talk through movies…bad habit coming from someone who works at a theater but, oh well
24. I will go out of my way to make someone smile, because I never know what kind of day they are having/what their life is like. And sometimes the things you don’t know could break your heart
25. I give money to charities. I particularly love Angle Tree organizations
26. Christmas makes me super happy and super sad at the same time. But no worries, the happy usually wins out
27. I love having my hair played with
28. I attract creepers like nobody’s business. It’s insane how they find me. I think I have a neon sign that only they can see
29. I rarely ever cry about real life, but movies (especially sappy love stories, or ones with bad child/parent relationships) make me break down
30. I’m not ready to be a grown up
Friday, November 12, 2010
yes..i did just write a 1,000 word blog
Day..5? A time you thought about ending your own life
Ready for an emotional rollercoaster of a post? …
Let’s see…in middle school I had abandonment issues. I was a very quiet moody angsty teen, but who isn’t at that age? It wasn’t really abnormal. As later middle school begot high school I turned into the sane one that was supposed to keep everyone else grounded. I had the same friends since elementary school, and I loved them all. But things started changing. While my friends starting to experiment with drugs and getting drunk I was playing soccer and on the drama team. They stayed out late, and I got up early for SGA and Beta Club meetings. They had after school sex…and I got an after school job…big difference. I taught Sunday school, worked AT LEAST 40 hours a week, played multiple sports and joined almost every club available. I didn’t want free time. Free time left me feeling empty. I eventually got tired of taking care of everyone and not having anyone offer me anything in return.
So I stopped…
And they noticed. One day one of my friends started talking to me about something that had happened that upset her. I wasn’t in the mood, and as usual felt she had brought it on herself and should face the consequences. Later I went to work. Apparently while I was at work I missed 6 calls from her, forcing her to assume I was mad at her/was no longer interested in being her friend. That night she tried to kill herself. Her family intervened and she was rushed to the hospital. I still have to force myself to believe that this wasn’t at least partially my fault. She recovered, we were still friends. But it shook me up. I blamed myself for a long time.
I didn’t know how to be the good kid anymore. I was two different people.
At school, at home, at church, at work…I was reliable, dependable, happy, well mannered, sensible, nice to everyone, incredibly goal oriented and hardworking. In my head I was a screw up that couldn’t seem to get her life together. I would cry for no reason, I would have burst of anger that I tried to hide. I would get an overwhelming desire to break things.
I stopped eating. I would go for days without eating anything solid. I thought I had it under control until I passed out one day at work. I got away with it by telling my manager I just hadn't eaten that day and was a little dizzy. She started watching me after that. I would often say I didn’t have money for food so she started buying me dinner a few times a week and watching to make sure I actually ate it. She was definitely a role model for me although some would ague she doesn’t have her life together either.
I had cut myself off and on since about 8th grade, but it got worse. I also got worse at hiding it. I was approached my assistant manager at work who talked to me honestly. He basically told me to cut the shit. I owe him a lot. He doesn’t know it, nor will he. We used to talk quite a bit hanging out in the parking lot outside of work. Back when days were slow and people weren’t incredibly fascinated by what went on in someone else’s life.
I ran a lot. I ran until it hurt. Then I would lay down until I could convince myself to get up and run again. This all went on for about 3 years…I’m not exactly sure. But ask anyone I went to high school with and I am one of the most amazing well-adjusted kids they had ever met. Anyway, one point I was trying to make is that throughout all of these self-destructive behaviors, I never tried to kill myself. I knew, or hoped, that it would get better. I wanted to leave and find some place to start over and that happened when I got to college.
Not at first, at first I was still a crazy mess, though I hid it well. I ended an unhealthy relationship, fell for somebody else. Didn’t tell anyone angst angst (it’s fun to think about now) because I knew it wouldn’t work. I talked to the school therapist on day on a fluke. And Mitzy turned my life around. She really did. I just…needed someone to talk to I guess. She told me it was ok to feel things, that I had tried all of these ways to stop myself from feeling because it hurt too much. So I decided to work on that. To let people in. to forget the small stuff because I realized it no longer mattered.
I am proud to say that I haven’t cut myself since November 2007. Actually…I think I two days ago makes three years . That doesn’t mean I don’t get the urge...habits die hard. But now when I do I separate myself and go for a walk. I don’t care how cold it is, how hot it is, if it’s pouring down rain. I will leave and I will walk. And sometimes, people that know my story will walk with me. It feels really good to know that I have someone I can trust like that.
So that’s my story, sorry it was so long. Also sorry for lack of pictures.
I love you guys
Ready for an emotional rollercoaster of a post? …
Let’s see…in middle school I had abandonment issues. I was a very quiet moody angsty teen, but who isn’t at that age? It wasn’t really abnormal. As later middle school begot high school I turned into the sane one that was supposed to keep everyone else grounded. I had the same friends since elementary school, and I loved them all. But things started changing. While my friends starting to experiment with drugs and getting drunk I was playing soccer and on the drama team. They stayed out late, and I got up early for SGA and Beta Club meetings. They had after school sex…and I got an after school job…big difference. I taught Sunday school, worked AT LEAST 40 hours a week, played multiple sports and joined almost every club available. I didn’t want free time. Free time left me feeling empty. I eventually got tired of taking care of everyone and not having anyone offer me anything in return.
So I stopped…
And they noticed. One day one of my friends started talking to me about something that had happened that upset her. I wasn’t in the mood, and as usual felt she had brought it on herself and should face the consequences. Later I went to work. Apparently while I was at work I missed 6 calls from her, forcing her to assume I was mad at her/was no longer interested in being her friend. That night she tried to kill herself. Her family intervened and she was rushed to the hospital. I still have to force myself to believe that this wasn’t at least partially my fault. She recovered, we were still friends. But it shook me up. I blamed myself for a long time.
I didn’t know how to be the good kid anymore. I was two different people.
At school, at home, at church, at work…I was reliable, dependable, happy, well mannered, sensible, nice to everyone, incredibly goal oriented and hardworking. In my head I was a screw up that couldn’t seem to get her life together. I would cry for no reason, I would have burst of anger that I tried to hide. I would get an overwhelming desire to break things.
I stopped eating. I would go for days without eating anything solid. I thought I had it under control until I passed out one day at work. I got away with it by telling my manager I just hadn't eaten that day and was a little dizzy. She started watching me after that. I would often say I didn’t have money for food so she started buying me dinner a few times a week and watching to make sure I actually ate it. She was definitely a role model for me although some would ague she doesn’t have her life together either.
I had cut myself off and on since about 8th grade, but it got worse. I also got worse at hiding it. I was approached my assistant manager at work who talked to me honestly. He basically told me to cut the shit. I owe him a lot. He doesn’t know it, nor will he. We used to talk quite a bit hanging out in the parking lot outside of work. Back when days were slow and people weren’t incredibly fascinated by what went on in someone else’s life.
I ran a lot. I ran until it hurt. Then I would lay down until I could convince myself to get up and run again. This all went on for about 3 years…I’m not exactly sure. But ask anyone I went to high school with and I am one of the most amazing well-adjusted kids they had ever met. Anyway, one point I was trying to make is that throughout all of these self-destructive behaviors, I never tried to kill myself. I knew, or hoped, that it would get better. I wanted to leave and find some place to start over and that happened when I got to college.
Not at first, at first I was still a crazy mess, though I hid it well. I ended an unhealthy relationship, fell for somebody else. Didn’t tell anyone angst angst (it’s fun to think about now) because I knew it wouldn’t work. I talked to the school therapist on day on a fluke. And Mitzy turned my life around. She really did. I just…needed someone to talk to I guess. She told me it was ok to feel things, that I had tried all of these ways to stop myself from feeling because it hurt too much. So I decided to work on that. To let people in. to forget the small stuff because I realized it no longer mattered.
I am proud to say that I haven’t cut myself since November 2007. Actually…I think I two days ago makes three years . That doesn’t mean I don’t get the urge...habits die hard. But now when I do I separate myself and go for a walk. I don’t care how cold it is, how hot it is, if it’s pouring down rain. I will leave and I will walk. And sometimes, people that know my story will walk with me. It feels really good to know that I have someone I can trust like that.
So that’s my story, sorry it was so long. Also sorry for lack of pictures.
I love you guys
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Because I'm not a Cheater
Day 4-What are your thoughts on God/Religion (or something to that affect)
There are just some things i cannot see without knowing without a doubt that there is a God in some shape/form/fashion. I can feel it, and i have a hard time believing people who say they can't i just feel as if it is something innate. As a Christian I believe in one God (he or she or whatever...i tend to believe God is non-gendered and gender is something assigned to mortals, which we assign to everything else because we can't comprehend differently). However, I respect other beliefs as well. I believe everyone has a right to worship in the way of his/her choosing.
As a child i was taught the Bible, i have read it through, can recap pretty much any story and have a large chunk of it memorized (KJV ofc). As i got older i realized that my parents form of religion may not be for me. Not that i disregard the Bible, I still turn to it for comfort or advice, but I have realized that although "inspired" by God it was written by men. Men with good intentions, but mortals nonetheless and their thoughts on God don't necessarily carry more weight than anyone else's.
My senior year of highschool i went through some hard times that i felt brought me closer in my relationship with God...yes we talk. Anyway...college changed that for me. I go to church occasionally, but i didnt really felt like i fit in at most churches. About 8 months ago, the week before spring break something happened that shook me up a little. My friends mom was hospitalized. it was a close call and it was really hard on her when everything was up in the air. I definitely prayed more in that week than i had prayed in the previous three years, and it brought me back to where i was at a prior point in my life. No matter what her thoughts/opinions of God are...she helped me reconcile with mine.
For extra reading (in case you are interested) I don't really like formal religion. Rules are what cause people to hate each other. Growing up i was always told that Christianity wasnt a religion it was a relationship...as i got older i realized that some of the people who told me that never acted on that principle for themselves. They were all about the rules, and if you didnt follow the rules, you werent allowed in their club. I didnt want to be in that club anyway. I found people that accepted me for who i was, and what i believed. open doors, open hearts, open minds.
That's how i want to live my life.
Oh yeah...and i believe in Angels
of all different kinds
There's a man standing on the corner
With a sign sayin "will work for food"
You know the man
You see him every morning
The one you never give your money to
You can sit there with your window rolled up
Wondering when the lights going to turn green
Never knowing what a couple more bucks
In his pocket might mean
What if he's an angel sent here from Heaven
And he's making certain that you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you going to pass that test
You can go on with your day to day
Trying to forget what you saw in his face
Knowing deep down it could have been his saving grace
What if he's an angel
There are just some things i cannot see without knowing without a doubt that there is a God in some shape/form/fashion. I can feel it, and i have a hard time believing people who say they can't i just feel as if it is something innate. As a Christian I believe in one God (he or she or whatever...i tend to believe God is non-gendered and gender is something assigned to mortals, which we assign to everything else because we can't comprehend differently). However, I respect other beliefs as well. I believe everyone has a right to worship in the way of his/her choosing.
As a child i was taught the Bible, i have read it through, can recap pretty much any story and have a large chunk of it memorized (KJV ofc). As i got older i realized that my parents form of religion may not be for me. Not that i disregard the Bible, I still turn to it for comfort or advice, but I have realized that although "inspired" by God it was written by men. Men with good intentions, but mortals nonetheless and their thoughts on God don't necessarily carry more weight than anyone else's.
My senior year of highschool i went through some hard times that i felt brought me closer in my relationship with God...yes we talk. Anyway...college changed that for me. I go to church occasionally, but i didnt really felt like i fit in at most churches. About 8 months ago, the week before spring break something happened that shook me up a little. My friends mom was hospitalized. it was a close call and it was really hard on her when everything was up in the air. I definitely prayed more in that week than i had prayed in the previous three years, and it brought me back to where i was at a prior point in my life. No matter what her thoughts/opinions of God are...she helped me reconcile with mine.
For extra reading (in case you are interested) I don't really like formal religion. Rules are what cause people to hate each other. Growing up i was always told that Christianity wasnt a religion it was a relationship...as i got older i realized that some of the people who told me that never acted on that principle for themselves. They were all about the rules, and if you didnt follow the rules, you werent allowed in their club. I didnt want to be in that club anyway. I found people that accepted me for who i was, and what i believed. open doors, open hearts, open minds.
That's how i want to live my life.
Oh yeah...and i believe in Angels
of all different kinds
There's a man standing on the corner
With a sign sayin "will work for food"
You know the man
You see him every morning
The one you never give your money to
You can sit there with your window rolled up
Wondering when the lights going to turn green
Never knowing what a couple more bucks
In his pocket might mean
What if he's an angel sent here from Heaven
And he's making certain that you're doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you going to pass that test
You can go on with your day to day
Trying to forget what you saw in his face
Knowing deep down it could have been his saving grace
What if he's an angel
First Date
I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with.
Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you.
Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through.
Tell me what the word "home" means to you and tell me in a way that I'll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8.
See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones.
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow?
And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek?
Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they're sad, even if it makes your lover mad?
Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?
See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time.
I want you tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you've been cruel. Tell me knowing I often picture Gandhi at ten years old beating up little boys at school.
If you were walking by a chemical plant, where smoke stacks were filling the sky with dark, black clouds, would you holler, "Poison! Poison! Poison!" really loud or would whisper, "That cloud looks like a fish, and that cloud looks like a fairy"?
Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you don't believe in miracles, tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me?
See, I wanna know if you believe in any god, or if you believe in many gods. Or better yet, what gods believe in you. And for all the times you've knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you've asked come true? And if they didn't did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who[m]?
I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you're feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you're feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass.
If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? Would you think less of me if I told you I have lived my entire life a little off key and I'm not nearly as smart as my poetry I just plagiarized the thoughts of the people around me who have learned the wisdom of silence.
Do you believe that concrete perpetuates violence? And if you do I want you to tell me of a meadow where my skateboard will soar.
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people's wounds.
And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted to you could pop but you never would because you'd never want it to stop.
If a tree fell in the forest, and you were the only one there to hear it, if its fall to the ground didn't make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didn't exist or would you bask in the bliss of your nothingness?
And lastly, let me ask you this: if you and I went for a walk, and the entire walk we didn't talk, do you think eventually we'd kiss? No wait... That's askin' too much after all, this is only our first date.
Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you.
Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through.
Tell me what the word "home" means to you and tell me in a way that I'll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8.
See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones.
Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow?
And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek?
Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they're sad, even if it makes your lover mad?
Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?
See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time.
I want you tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you've been cruel. Tell me knowing I often picture Gandhi at ten years old beating up little boys at school.
If you were walking by a chemical plant, where smoke stacks were filling the sky with dark, black clouds, would you holler, "Poison! Poison! Poison!" really loud or would whisper, "That cloud looks like a fish, and that cloud looks like a fairy"?
Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you don't believe in miracles, tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me?
See, I wanna know if you believe in any god, or if you believe in many gods. Or better yet, what gods believe in you. And for all the times you've knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you've asked come true? And if they didn't did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who[m]?
I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you're feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you're feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass.
If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? Would you think less of me if I told you I have lived my entire life a little off key and I'm not nearly as smart as my poetry I just plagiarized the thoughts of the people around me who have learned the wisdom of silence.
Do you believe that concrete perpetuates violence? And if you do I want you to tell me of a meadow where my skateboard will soar.
See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people's wounds.
And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted to you could pop but you never would because you'd never want it to stop.
If a tree fell in the forest, and you were the only one there to hear it, if its fall to the ground didn't make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didn't exist or would you bask in the bliss of your nothingness?
And lastly, let me ask you this: if you and I went for a walk, and the entire walk we didn't talk, do you think eventually we'd kiss? No wait... That's askin' too much after all, this is only our first date.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Day 3-Life can be good
To oversimplify my views of drugs and alcohol…if it’s illegal don’t do it. If it gets you so fucked up that it interferes with the rest of your life don’t do it. If it’s legal, doesn’t interfere with the rest of your life but leaves you with black holes in your memory…do less of it.
Ta-dah!
Ok…now more in depth. Alcohol first? I would like to say that I am against underage drinking. But the age varies on the country and other countries under 21 population tend to handle it just fine. I have two sides of this opinion which makes me comes across as a little hypocritical. For instance, I love my brother. But he, like most of his friends, isn’t old enough to legally drink. And when they do…they get loud and obnoxious, go out in public and cause problems. I don’t think they should be drinking. But that is more based on behavior rather than age. I have friends who aren’t quite 21 who drink. I am ok with this as long as they stay in their house and have fun/cause drama quietly. No worries.
Personally, I didn’t drink until I was 21 (unless out of the country where the legal age was different. I mean I had a birthday in Europe...who isn’t going to celebrate that?). I like to drink, I like to dance…and when I have a shot or two I let loose a little more, but when I drink I don’t drink excessively (ok, I’m not going to lie, I have before. But it doesn’t happen regularly at all. Waking up with holes in your memory is scary. I’m glad I have good friends.) In fact, 88% of the time I am the designated driver, which I don’t mind. When I say I don’t mind, I don’t mean that I don’t grumble about it, because sometimes I do. What I mean is I would much rather do that than get a phone call saying one of my friends is lying broken in a hospital. I have lost friends to drunk drivers and I would do pretty much anything to keep that from happening again. To those of you who think it’s alright to drive drunk. Grow up. You aren’t the only one who could get hurt. Call me if you need a ride.
Moving on…
Drugs: If they are illegal, don’t do them. Enough said. I don’t care if it’s not addictive, if it makes you feel good, etc. etc. I know it does. I just don’t want you to get into trouble. So much personal drama with that and it’s still fresh in my mind. When it’s legalized, knock yourself out. Just don’t think you are reaching a higher intellectual plain when you smoke. It’s actually just kind of funny to hear you babble your newly discovered philosophical thoughts. Do I judge people who smoke (pot) umm…I try not to. I really do. Because although I don’t agree…I understand that everyone has a vice. I just wish they could find a different one.
Harder drugs: stay away. They are addictive and gross. You will fuck up your life. Exhibit A: my uncle. You don’t want to end up like him….
In general: Just don’t let shit interfere with your “real” life because it becomes easy to forget that life can be good without pills, without alcohol, without drugs. And the truth is…life can be good. it can be very good.
Ta-dah!
Ok…now more in depth. Alcohol first? I would like to say that I am against underage drinking. But the age varies on the country and other countries under 21 population tend to handle it just fine. I have two sides of this opinion which makes me comes across as a little hypocritical. For instance, I love my brother. But he, like most of his friends, isn’t old enough to legally drink. And when they do…they get loud and obnoxious, go out in public and cause problems. I don’t think they should be drinking. But that is more based on behavior rather than age. I have friends who aren’t quite 21 who drink. I am ok with this as long as they stay in their house and have fun/cause drama quietly. No worries.
Personally, I didn’t drink until I was 21 (unless out of the country where the legal age was different. I mean I had a birthday in Europe...who isn’t going to celebrate that?). I like to drink, I like to dance…and when I have a shot or two I let loose a little more, but when I drink I don’t drink excessively (ok, I’m not going to lie, I have before. But it doesn’t happen regularly at all. Waking up with holes in your memory is scary. I’m glad I have good friends.) In fact, 88% of the time I am the designated driver, which I don’t mind. When I say I don’t mind, I don’t mean that I don’t grumble about it, because sometimes I do. What I mean is I would much rather do that than get a phone call saying one of my friends is lying broken in a hospital. I have lost friends to drunk drivers and I would do pretty much anything to keep that from happening again. To those of you who think it’s alright to drive drunk. Grow up. You aren’t the only one who could get hurt. Call me if you need a ride.
Moving on…
Drugs: If they are illegal, don’t do them. Enough said. I don’t care if it’s not addictive, if it makes you feel good, etc. etc. I know it does. I just don’t want you to get into trouble. So much personal drama with that and it’s still fresh in my mind. When it’s legalized, knock yourself out. Just don’t think you are reaching a higher intellectual plain when you smoke. It’s actually just kind of funny to hear you babble your newly discovered philosophical thoughts. Do I judge people who smoke (pot) umm…I try not to. I really do. Because although I don’t agree…I understand that everyone has a vice. I just wish they could find a different one.
Harder drugs: stay away. They are addictive and gross. You will fuck up your life. Exhibit A: my uncle. You don’t want to end up like him….
In general: Just don’t let shit interfere with your “real” life because it becomes easy to forget that life can be good without pills, without alcohol, without drugs. And the truth is…life can be good. it can be very good.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Day 2-ten years from now..
I went with the physical/literal aspect rather than getting all sentimental. And I just want to start with a disclaimer saying that I am in no way a ms cleo...thank goodness. I do not know where i am going to be in ten years. I have ideas of where i would like to be...but the truth is i follow my heart. If it takes me out west..so be it. If it leaves me somewhere in the south on a porch swing over looking some form of natural beauty...then I am alright with that too.
I adore porch swings. always have, always will. something about them says "home". Just because i like to leave, doesnt mean i dont like coming home...because i do.
Same as above. It says home. I kind of adore the idea of being able to hide somewhere no one could find me...unless they knew where to look :) Besides, does it tells me i'm warm, and cozy, happy...and safe.
Yes, it's Italy. I told Randa we would go back one day...a girl can dream big right?
LA...been here twice and loved it. There is a sense of artistic movement that is hard to recapture. I'm not sure I will live here for an extended period of time, but I will return. It's an odyssey of mine. A pilgrimage if you will. I feel like there is something to find, and that may be a good place to start.
Well...if the picture isnt enough, the words should be <3
I adore porch swings. always have, always will. something about them says "home". Just because i like to leave, doesnt mean i dont like coming home...because i do.
Same as above. It says home. I kind of adore the idea of being able to hide somewhere no one could find me...unless they knew where to look :) Besides, does it tells me i'm warm, and cozy, happy...and safe.
Yes, it's Italy. I told Randa we would go back one day...a girl can dream big right?
LA...been here twice and loved it. There is a sense of artistic movement that is hard to recapture. I'm not sure I will live here for an extended period of time, but I will return. It's an odyssey of mine. A pilgrimage if you will. I feel like there is something to find, and that may be a good place to start.
Well...if the picture isnt enough, the words should be <3
Saturday, November 6, 2010
time for the 3 month update?
It’s been forever since I’ve updated. I was recently going back through my old myspace and found some awesome blogs that I forgot about and it inspired me to get back on and update because I like being able to look back at my life. I actually haven’t changed that much since high school in case you were interested. I mean people change…events, well they actually have a tendency to repeat themselves. And me...I’m just along for the ride.
So first off I would just like to say that I really miss Whitney James. I haven’t talked to my best friend in weeks because life is so insanely busy and I hate it, especially since she has been going through such a hard time recently. She knows she can call me anytime though. Or at least her phone does, because I do get random voicemails when her pocket decides to hit the speed dial button I love being on speed dial. And I love Whitney and I wish she was here so I could talk about all the crazy…stuff…that has been going on. Remember when I met you at the beach over the summer and it took me four hours to get there bc of that traffic jam (and because I went to the wrong beach…) and I skipped lab, but you convinced me to spend the night and I made it back in time for class the next morning even though I had to leave ridiculously early? Remember how we walked and talked and walked and talked and fell asleep by the water and how life was perfect even though in reality everything was so bad? Well I miss you. A lot.
Another thing I would like to discuss is romantic relationships. Or lack there-of. Whatever. I can’t believe everyone is getting married. I mean, I know that’s what people do after college, I guess…it seems to be the popular choice anyway...but I refuse to feel alienated because I don’t have the desire to do so. Some people say it’s because I haven’t met the right person yet, but honestly I don’t really have the desire to go out and find the right person. I blame my parents. Not sure why, but it’s what most kids do right? So passing the blame.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want a relationship. Yeah…a steady committed one might be nice. But really, sometimes all I want is someone to hold me. I am a believer that touch has healing powers. Sometimes you just really need a physical connection with another human being (one that you are physically attracted to doesn’t hurt). Relaxing, stress relief, exciting, maybe just a brief break from reality. So yeah…a relationship would be nice don’t get me wrong, but maybe not a necessity at the time. I’ve been contemplating the idea of open relationships ever since someone on facebook asked me what it meant. (For general information, I am listed as being in an open relationship with Morgan Lutz…which may or may not be true. I’m leaning towards may not, because as much as I love Morgan…my choosing of that status simply implies that sometimes I miss her more than I can put into words). So yeah…this open relationship thing…not sure if I quite get it. A little more than friends with benefits maybe? I mean I’m not against it as long as all parties involved understand what’s going on. Is that weird? I’m actually not sure all parties would be able to handle it…because as little as I do know about girls, I do know one thing. Jealousy. Don’t get me started. Anyway…
The friend with benefits thing…been there, tried that. Ok..maybe tried isn’t necessarily in past tense. Or maybe it is. I take things as they come with that situation…it’s far away now. Ok…so 90 some odd miles might not be far. But it’s whatever…especially when someone’s heart is in Nevada. As far as benefits go, don’t jump to conclusions. I’m not thinking what you’re thinking…and even if I was, it’s none of your business.
I do have a question though: is “using someone” still considered bad if both parties are using each other equally and are both aware of it? I mean if I don’t find it problematic…is it still a problem? I’m not sure. My moral compass has become skewed toward my own morals and maybe not things commonly considered moral/immoral. However…I think my moral standards remain pretty high. Just saying.
…I love ellipses…oh and according to one description of my astrological sign…Pisces come across as asexual…
So respond
To one, or several, of the topics above….or make your own topic
So first off I would just like to say that I really miss Whitney James. I haven’t talked to my best friend in weeks because life is so insanely busy and I hate it, especially since she has been going through such a hard time recently. She knows she can call me anytime though. Or at least her phone does, because I do get random voicemails when her pocket decides to hit the speed dial button I love being on speed dial. And I love Whitney and I wish she was here so I could talk about all the crazy…stuff…that has been going on. Remember when I met you at the beach over the summer and it took me four hours to get there bc of that traffic jam (and because I went to the wrong beach…) and I skipped lab, but you convinced me to spend the night and I made it back in time for class the next morning even though I had to leave ridiculously early? Remember how we walked and talked and walked and talked and fell asleep by the water and how life was perfect even though in reality everything was so bad? Well I miss you. A lot.
Another thing I would like to discuss is romantic relationships. Or lack there-of. Whatever. I can’t believe everyone is getting married. I mean, I know that’s what people do after college, I guess…it seems to be the popular choice anyway...but I refuse to feel alienated because I don’t have the desire to do so. Some people say it’s because I haven’t met the right person yet, but honestly I don’t really have the desire to go out and find the right person. I blame my parents. Not sure why, but it’s what most kids do right? So passing the blame.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want a relationship. Yeah…a steady committed one might be nice. But really, sometimes all I want is someone to hold me. I am a believer that touch has healing powers. Sometimes you just really need a physical connection with another human being (one that you are physically attracted to doesn’t hurt). Relaxing, stress relief, exciting, maybe just a brief break from reality. So yeah…a relationship would be nice don’t get me wrong, but maybe not a necessity at the time. I’ve been contemplating the idea of open relationships ever since someone on facebook asked me what it meant. (For general information, I am listed as being in an open relationship with Morgan Lutz…which may or may not be true. I’m leaning towards may not, because as much as I love Morgan…my choosing of that status simply implies that sometimes I miss her more than I can put into words). So yeah…this open relationship thing…not sure if I quite get it. A little more than friends with benefits maybe? I mean I’m not against it as long as all parties involved understand what’s going on. Is that weird? I’m actually not sure all parties would be able to handle it…because as little as I do know about girls, I do know one thing. Jealousy. Don’t get me started. Anyway…
The friend with benefits thing…been there, tried that. Ok..maybe tried isn’t necessarily in past tense. Or maybe it is. I take things as they come with that situation…it’s far away now. Ok…so 90 some odd miles might not be far. But it’s whatever…especially when someone’s heart is in Nevada. As far as benefits go, don’t jump to conclusions. I’m not thinking what you’re thinking…and even if I was, it’s none of your business.
I do have a question though: is “using someone” still considered bad if both parties are using each other equally and are both aware of it? I mean if I don’t find it problematic…is it still a problem? I’m not sure. My moral compass has become skewed toward my own morals and maybe not things commonly considered moral/immoral. However…I think my moral standards remain pretty high. Just saying.
…I love ellipses…oh and according to one description of my astrological sign…Pisces come across as asexual…
So respond
To one, or several, of the topics above….or make your own topic
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Hey look at me :)
I am updating again.
So I went to Mexico City for an excursion on Saturday, and i wasnt kidnapped or anything! Saw lots of amazing artwork because there was some kind of giant craft fair going on. Took tons of pictures. Loved it. LOVE. <3>
After the art exhibit in the park we went to a museum. Diego Rivera and Delores Olmedo. They didnt have much work on display, the coolest part of the museum was outside where there were peacocks walking around. So pretty. Once again, all pictures are on facebook.
After the museum we went on a party boat through some little river into a lake. there were lots and lots of party boats...Hmm...imagine Venice..a little more colorful, a lot more crowded and a little more fiesta. That's what it was. :D
I am getting tired of grammar classes...for real. My head is spinning there are so many tenses. Soooo many. Who would have thought? And i am starting to think with spanish subtitles. Everytime i have a thought i think "now how would i say that in spanish" oh goodness...
Let's see..yesterday was monday and we did..nothing. Well i watched another episode of the Lword and talked to chris and cat online. but besides that, nothing. I even forgot to do my homework...i know, i know. bad student
Today the other girls in the group were going to see Twilight. Leata and I had absolutely no interest in going whatsoever. So we were left on our own to figure out what to do. We originally wanted to walk to a super awesome waterfall but it started raining so we went bowling instead. we were a little scared the alley would be sketch but it turned out to be super awesome. they had the alley, a cool indoor playground for the kids, an arcade, pool tables, full service restaurant and something upstairs with big screen tv's. we didnt venture up there though.
Forgot that shoe sizes in the US and shoe sizes anywhere else are not the same, we had an interseting time trying to estimate if we were in the 20's...or not. :) Then we had to explain (I had to explain..bc Leata is determined to get me to talk more) that the lane was not working.
Eventually we got to play and i remembered...oh yeah! i suck at bowling. My best score out of all four games was a 93. *sigh* Oh well it was soooo much fun. We laughed lots. And got out of the house and practiced our Spanish. overall win.
Tepoztlan tomorrow. Then Acapulo this weekend!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Flower Juice?
Yep. Flower juice. Made out of dried rose petals...at least that's we understood the cook to say. I really need to work on remembering her name, but i think it's hard to pronounce...I just feel bad saying "the cook" "the maid" "the nanny" i need to find out their names again.
Anyway, I'm super sleepy, so I am going to keep it brief. i also apologize for my lack of updates. I did promise AnnaMay and Sjaan that i would update at least once a week, so for those of you who i dont talk to daily and arent quite in the loop, here goes:
I forget where i left off last time. But the newest update is Leata and I got a new housemate. His name is James, he (i think) teaches high school chemistry. Guessing his age to be around 24. Cute enough, slightly weird...but he plays the sax and trobone. the music is often appreciated. Oh two more houseguests to add to that. The grandchildren on mis padres. an eleven year old girl who's name i can never remember, their names are difficult, cut me some slack, and a four year old boy named Juan Pablo who often gets called Juanpo or Jonny for short. He still hasnt quite warmed up to us yet, he's a little shy. But he plays soccer and likes the monkey bars and i call him my little monkey. it makes him laugh.
The whole group of us, plus a friend of the little girl went to get ice-cream yesterday. Talk about an unwanted adventure. First off, we all had to pile in the same car. You can imagine that...The ice cream place was a little fancy, had chandeliers and everything. The ice-cream was good, but it was so very crowded in that small space. Screaming children everywhere. One little girl would not stop crying and JuanPablo just wanted to play on the playground. he didnt even care about ice-cream so we stayed with all of the screaming kids for over an hour, because every ten minutes or so mama would call the kids together like we were going to leave, and then say..ok just a little more time. i swear that happened about 10 times. yeesh.
So I have a new conversation teacher. Her name is Graciella and she is super adorable. Like a little hispanic doll. She always wears bright clothes and comes in wearing seashell jewelry and butterfly berrets in her hair. i want to keep her lol. She just talks so fast! and laughs at everything. But makes class pretty entertaining.
Today we went to Las Estacas Natural Water park. it was one of my favorite excursions last time and still my favorite this year. Not much to say except the water was freezing! but worth it, and the scenery was beautiful. :) check out my fb album
Tomorrow starts my party weekend. I will update :)
~later days~
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
6 de julio
No recurdo que dia es...pues..
Tuve pesadillas toda de anoche, entonces no durme bueno. No fue llueve y fue mas calor en mi cuarto :( Por desayun mi mama nos dio Corn Pops :) yummm. Pienso mi clase de gramatica es mas facil para mi y para Leata, entonces en la manana quizas intentaremos un otra clase. Mi clase de conversacion fui muy interesante. Hablaron sobre fantasmos y brujas y el dia de diablo...mucho historia de fantasmos in Cuernavaca. En la clase fue muy cansada, entonces despues de clase yo tuve una siesta por un hora y media. Despues de siesta yo habla con christina y catrina y sam. Despues yo y leata fuimos a la tienda donde nuestra padres trabaja. Yo tome mas photos para Christina y para nathan! :) Photos de Buzz Lightyear :)
Despues de salimos la tiendo fuimos a la supermercado y compramos mucho y mucho pan. Me encantan pan <3 Mi padre fui bailiando en la mercado <3 yo bailo con el. Fui mucho divertir
Ok. that was the super short grammatically incorrect Spanish version of my day.
In english, i had nightmares all last night, spawning from a conversation i had prior to sleep and consisting of all of my friends dying one by one. It was pretty bad and shook me up a lot even after i was awake. it didnt help that it did not rain and i have been depending on the rain to help me sleep. for breakfast we had cornpops, the most american breakfast you can have, I am sure. My papa made himself a disgusting yet healthy smoothie with beets and carrots, celery, flaxseed and aloe vera. he said it was delicious, i dont believe him. but the site of him in his business suit and mi mamas tiny apron was almost worth me trying a little bit of it. Blech!
I think my grammar class is a little too easy. But my conversation class is pretty interesting. We talked about witches and ghosts and devils and chewpacabras and other ghost stories from Mexico folklore. I also had to explain the concept of drag queens. was pretty interesting
After class ate lunch. cant remember what it was, but it was amazing. Then it was sleepy time. After nap talked to christina and sam and catrina then went to the store my parents work at. Took picture of Spanish Buzz for Christina and Nathan! Then went to buy bread It was amazing. So amazing in fact that when we got home we started in on it. We bought so much though it will (maybe) last all week <3. My papa and I danced around the grocery store. and around the kitchen. it was our happy awesome bread dance. I love my family <3
Goodnight ladies. Hasta luego
Tuve pesadillas toda de anoche, entonces no durme bueno. No fue llueve y fue mas calor en mi cuarto :( Por desayun mi mama nos dio Corn Pops :) yummm. Pienso mi clase de gramatica es mas facil para mi y para Leata, entonces en la manana quizas intentaremos un otra clase. Mi clase de conversacion fui muy interesante. Hablaron sobre fantasmos y brujas y el dia de diablo...mucho historia de fantasmos in Cuernavaca. En la clase fue muy cansada, entonces despues de clase yo tuve una siesta por un hora y media. Despues de siesta yo habla con christina y catrina y sam. Despues yo y leata fuimos a la tienda donde nuestra padres trabaja. Yo tome mas photos para Christina y para nathan! :) Photos de Buzz Lightyear :)
Despues de salimos la tiendo fuimos a la supermercado y compramos mucho y mucho pan. Me encantan pan <3 Mi padre fui bailiando en la mercado <3 yo bailo con el. Fui mucho divertir
Ok. that was the super short grammatically incorrect Spanish version of my day.
In english, i had nightmares all last night, spawning from a conversation i had prior to sleep and consisting of all of my friends dying one by one. It was pretty bad and shook me up a lot even after i was awake. it didnt help that it did not rain and i have been depending on the rain to help me sleep. for breakfast we had cornpops, the most american breakfast you can have, I am sure. My papa made himself a disgusting yet healthy smoothie with beets and carrots, celery, flaxseed and aloe vera. he said it was delicious, i dont believe him. but the site of him in his business suit and mi mamas tiny apron was almost worth me trying a little bit of it. Blech!
I think my grammar class is a little too easy. But my conversation class is pretty interesting. We talked about witches and ghosts and devils and chewpacabras and other ghost stories from Mexico folklore. I also had to explain the concept of drag queens. was pretty interesting
After class ate lunch. cant remember what it was, but it was amazing. Then it was sleepy time. After nap talked to christina and sam and catrina then went to the store my parents work at. Took picture of Spanish Buzz for Christina and Nathan! Then went to buy bread It was amazing. So amazing in fact that when we got home we started in on it. We bought so much though it will (maybe) last all week <3. My papa and I danced around the grocery store. and around the kitchen. it was our happy awesome bread dance. I love my family <3
Goodnight ladies. Hasta luego
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Day 3
Woke up entirely too early this morning. Well..ok so i stayed up too late last night, otherwise things would have been fine. At about 2:00 something in my room started beeping and i couldnt figure out what it was. It was driving me insane! Leata thinks I am crazy..she never heard it. Anyway morning started at 7 AM! woot! Our mama made us pancakes and we had fruit. No me gusto mango..pero watermelon esta bien.
Loaded the bus and drove into Mexico city. Three younger boys sat right in front of us and kept us slightly entertained with comments about splitting atoms to make anti-matter, creating bombs and using laser swords...actually we kind of kept ourselves entertained by quietly mocking them..it was all in fun, they are pretty cool kids.
I fell asleep of course, as most modes of transportation tend to make me super sleepy. And i woke up in Teotihuacan :) the city of the gods. We took a tour that was long and i have heard most of it before so i spent most of the time bargaining with street vendors. I bought a present! The first one, but more to come if money permits..and i hope it does. Let's hope the parents remembered to pick up my paycheck...
Street vendors are usually good at bargaining about things..but they are super persistent. If you dont think you want to buy something, dont even look at it! They will follow you around for an hour. Trust me, it happened. But i am super happy with what i ended up getting.
After the tour we went to have lunch. Mi mama made me a sandwhich..tomato, turkey, queso de fresa y avocado. It sounds weird, but it was amazing. After lunch tequila shots for everyone...ok so they had a table set up showing how tequila was made. We still got the shots. I had to explain to half a dozen people how to do the salt/lime/shot thing. *Sigh* four shots in and i was happy and ready to go climb pyramids :)
No joke, thats what we did. I climbed the temple of the sun god. Not sure exactly how high it is, but check out the pictures on facebook. i will find the height at somepoint and post it on here. After lots of climbing and some fun pictures i was chased around by yet more vendors. A dollar for a silver bracelet? Yeah ok..it will make your whole body turn green and your arm fall off for that price. Anyway..then on to the bus and another 3 hours bus ride. Back home to mi mama y papa y comida :)
then i realized exactly how sunburnt i was as i scoreched myself in the shower. aaaand i have been facebooking for the last hour and have posted pictures :) yay me
Class tomorrow, so time for bed
~later days~
Loaded the bus and drove into Mexico city. Three younger boys sat right in front of us and kept us slightly entertained with comments about splitting atoms to make anti-matter, creating bombs and using laser swords...actually we kind of kept ourselves entertained by quietly mocking them..it was all in fun, they are pretty cool kids.
I fell asleep of course, as most modes of transportation tend to make me super sleepy. And i woke up in Teotihuacan :) the city of the gods. We took a tour that was long and i have heard most of it before so i spent most of the time bargaining with street vendors. I bought a present! The first one, but more to come if money permits..and i hope it does. Let's hope the parents remembered to pick up my paycheck...
Street vendors are usually good at bargaining about things..but they are super persistent. If you dont think you want to buy something, dont even look at it! They will follow you around for an hour. Trust me, it happened. But i am super happy with what i ended up getting.
After the tour we went to have lunch. Mi mama made me a sandwhich..tomato, turkey, queso de fresa y avocado. It sounds weird, but it was amazing. After lunch tequila shots for everyone...ok so they had a table set up showing how tequila was made. We still got the shots. I had to explain to half a dozen people how to do the salt/lime/shot thing. *Sigh* four shots in and i was happy and ready to go climb pyramids :)
No joke, thats what we did. I climbed the temple of the sun god. Not sure exactly how high it is, but check out the pictures on facebook. i will find the height at somepoint and post it on here. After lots of climbing and some fun pictures i was chased around by yet more vendors. A dollar for a silver bracelet? Yeah ok..it will make your whole body turn green and your arm fall off for that price. Anyway..then on to the bus and another 3 hours bus ride. Back home to mi mama y papa y comida :)
then i realized exactly how sunburnt i was as i scoreched myself in the shower. aaaand i have been facebooking for the last hour and have posted pictures :) yay me
Class tomorrow, so time for bed
~later days~
Saturday, July 3, 2010
day 1/2 in Mexico
I was late to the caravan bc i was having an anxiety attack while watching Dana die (L'Word). Not the best way to start the day because my dreams on the plane werent all super pleasant :(
Left for airport at 5:30 AM. Sat in airport forever...talked with a group of three guys from Australia. they are traveling the world pretty much. They have been gone for two weeks and had just spent about a week in the US, not sure what parts.
Anyway we were almost to Mexico when one of the guys had a seizure. Apparently it was his first one. There was the usual mass panic on the plane. People freaking out..children screaming. We had to u-turn the plane around...yup and we did an emergency landing/layover in New Orleans. Sat there for over two hours and was not allowed off the plane. Tried to sleep, but there were three screaming children. I now understand the urge some parents get to shake children. I mean, I do not condone it at all and i never would. I would walk away before that happened, but I understand the urge. So almost three hours of nonstop screaming children we take off again. I managed to sleep but had unsettling dreams about friends dying. so listened to my ipod instead...read a little bit...FINALLY made it to Mexico!
:)
:)
At the luggage pickup someone grabbed my bag. Apparently looked just like his. Umm...not good. Got it back though. Then went through customs..and I was the one randomly selected for the search. Yeah they kinda tore my bag up, but its cool because i am NOT a terrorist..nope...
Took a long bus ride to Cuernavaca <3 But since we were so late our families were not there to pick us up. aaand for some reason we didnt not have addresses or contact information. So we climbed into 4 cabs (the one i was in didnt crank and then once it did crank promptly broke down..yes, i am a travel jinx apparently) and drove to the school in hopes to find someone. We did thankfully and our mama rescued us!
Then she gave us some amaaaazing food which rocked bc prior to that the last thing i ate was a chicken biscuit at 4:30 am and it was currently about....8:00 SC time. and she let us know that we had wireless internet so i got to skype and facebook before bed <3 as much as i dislike it i am addicted to the communication.
it poured rain last night which means i slept amazingly...that hasnt really happened in ages....and when i woke up there was another incredible meal. i am going to gain so much weight if i dont convince Leata to work out with me. On the upside...this house has a workout room. So the bad trip here, totally worth it.
Left for airport at 5:30 AM. Sat in airport forever...talked with a group of three guys from Australia. they are traveling the world pretty much. They have been gone for two weeks and had just spent about a week in the US, not sure what parts.
Anyway we were almost to Mexico when one of the guys had a seizure. Apparently it was his first one. There was the usual mass panic on the plane. People freaking out..children screaming. We had to u-turn the plane around...yup and we did an emergency landing/layover in New Orleans. Sat there for over two hours and was not allowed off the plane. Tried to sleep, but there were three screaming children. I now understand the urge some parents get to shake children. I mean, I do not condone it at all and i never would. I would walk away before that happened, but I understand the urge. So almost three hours of nonstop screaming children we take off again. I managed to sleep but had unsettling dreams about friends dying. so listened to my ipod instead...read a little bit...FINALLY made it to Mexico!
:)
:)
At the luggage pickup someone grabbed my bag. Apparently looked just like his. Umm...not good. Got it back though. Then went through customs..and I was the one randomly selected for the search. Yeah they kinda tore my bag up, but its cool because i am NOT a terrorist..nope...
Took a long bus ride to Cuernavaca <3 But since we were so late our families were not there to pick us up. aaand for some reason we didnt not have addresses or contact information. So we climbed into 4 cabs (the one i was in didnt crank and then once it did crank promptly broke down..yes, i am a travel jinx apparently) and drove to the school in hopes to find someone. We did thankfully and our mama rescued us!
Then she gave us some amaaaazing food which rocked bc prior to that the last thing i ate was a chicken biscuit at 4:30 am and it was currently about....8:00 SC time. and she let us know that we had wireless internet so i got to skype and facebook before bed <3 as much as i dislike it i am addicted to the communication.
it poured rain last night which means i slept amazingly...that hasnt really happened in ages....and when i woke up there was another incredible meal. i am going to gain so much weight if i dont convince Leata to work out with me. On the upside...this house has a workout room. So the bad trip here, totally worth it.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I'm losing you
and its effortless....
Trying not to give a damn is a lot harder than i thought it would be.
I feel like I am losing/may have lost a really good friend
and I dont know what to do about it
This, for the record, is why i keep everyone at arms length
Trying not to give a damn is a lot harder than i thought it would be.
I feel like I am losing/may have lost a really good friend
and I dont know what to do about it
This, for the record, is why i keep everyone at arms length
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Lies and Bullshit
I am tired of it all
I hate when people lie to me
and lying by leaving out facts, or ignoring the question, or alluding to an answer that may or may not be correct
It's all bullshit
And i know i am guilty of this sometimes too
but i am def. going to work on stopping if it pisses other people off as much as it pisses me off
whats worse is when the things that are being lied about arent even a big deal..like you could just tell me?
I would rather be upset for all of 5 minutes than to be tangled in some kind of dumb game
If you dont want to say what up just say you dont want to say.
If you want to change plans, change plans
but dont lie.
Lying is dumb
and btw, i feel that people should accept i dont want to talk about it as a legitimate answer
just saying
So resolution #75846 for jennifer: stop lying..even partial lying....
and i think everyone else should do the same
I hate when people lie to me
and lying by leaving out facts, or ignoring the question, or alluding to an answer that may or may not be correct
It's all bullshit
And i know i am guilty of this sometimes too
but i am def. going to work on stopping if it pisses other people off as much as it pisses me off
whats worse is when the things that are being lied about arent even a big deal..like you could just tell me?
I would rather be upset for all of 5 minutes than to be tangled in some kind of dumb game
If you dont want to say what up just say you dont want to say.
If you want to change plans, change plans
but dont lie.
Lying is dumb
and btw, i feel that people should accept i dont want to talk about it as a legitimate answer
just saying
So resolution #75846 for jennifer: stop lying..even partial lying....
and i think everyone else should do the same
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
so good news is..i'm not paranoid like i have been fighting with myself about over the past 3 weeks or so...
the bad news is that, since I am not paranoid, the thing that i was worried about did actually happen.
I'm not sure whether i am happy that i am not thinking irrationally
or upset because i kind of feel like i've been hit in the stomach, and it's sometimes hard to breathe...
:/
maybe that's a little dramatic
i mean, i could say it's whatever
because really....it is
but it does hurt
ce la vie?
<3
the bad news is that, since I am not paranoid, the thing that i was worried about did actually happen.
I'm not sure whether i am happy that i am not thinking irrationally
or upset because i kind of feel like i've been hit in the stomach, and it's sometimes hard to breathe...
:/
maybe that's a little dramatic
i mean, i could say it's whatever
because really....it is
but it does hurt
ce la vie?
<3
Monday, May 24, 2010
HighSchool on Steroids
So being at tech, even during the summer is like being in high school all over again. I see ex friends, ex friends' ex boyrfriends/girlfriends. So many people i didnt really need to see whish is why i left Florence for school in the first place.
On the other hand, the class isnt too bad. It's just incredibly long. I cant sit still for a two and a half hour lecture. I have an attention span that is about ten minutes longer than that of an average six year old. After about 45 minutes i start getting twitchy...probably look like i am on some kind of drugs. I move in my seat, start itching and scratching my arms, playing with my hair, my legs start jumping...it's sooo bad
grr
Oh yeah well don't get so distressedDid I happen to mention that I'm impressedI take one one one 'cause you left meAnd two two two for my familyAnd 3 3 3 for my heartacheAnd 4 4 4 for my headachesAnd 5 5 5 for my lonelyAnd 6 6 6 for my sorrowAnd 7 7 7 for no tomorrowAnd 8 8 8 I forget what 8 was forAnd 9 9 9 for a lost godAnd 10 10 10 for everything everything everything everything
~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When you’re walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?
You know you couldI wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
On the other hand, the class isnt too bad. It's just incredibly long. I cant sit still for a two and a half hour lecture. I have an attention span that is about ten minutes longer than that of an average six year old. After about 45 minutes i start getting twitchy...probably look like i am on some kind of drugs. I move in my seat, start itching and scratching my arms, playing with my hair, my legs start jumping...it's sooo bad
grr
Oh yeah well don't get so distressedDid I happen to mention that I'm impressedI take one one one 'cause you left meAnd two two two for my familyAnd 3 3 3 for my heartacheAnd 4 4 4 for my headachesAnd 5 5 5 for my lonelyAnd 6 6 6 for my sorrowAnd 7 7 7 for no tomorrowAnd 8 8 8 I forget what 8 was forAnd 9 9 9 for a lost godAnd 10 10 10 for everything everything everything everything
~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When you’re walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?
You know you couldI wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
status on crack
started chemistry class yesterday. i did 8 hours of chemistry. wish i was exaggerating..i'm not.
so..after having a facebook page for so long, i have started thinking in facebook statuses. Sad..i know, but i also know i'm not the only one that does it. If i updated my status as much as i changed my mind i would drive everyone on my friends list insane. I could get a twitter. that's all they do, but then i feel like i would be giving in to needless peer pressure. And that would just encourage me to text..for absolutely no reason. I mean, who really cares what my status update says? Anway here's some status crack...
JennRose: wishes she could stay
JennRose: hates driving in the rain, but thinks lightning shows are fantastic
JennRose: dances on tables. and yeah..she's sober
JennRose: has a Taylor Swift song playing on a loop "you were wild and crazy, just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated, got away by some mistake and now..." stupid Taylor
JennRose: thinks sequin miniskirts are not school appropriate...maybe not club appropriate...maybe Dargan Street appropriate. yeah...probably
JennRose: zoned out for an hour? Not good. Hope these notes go up online...
JennRose: needs train support
JennRose: adores smiley faces :)
JennRose: quiere voy a Mexico
JennRose: wishes she could compete......
JennRose: is looking foward to Zumba, Bootcamp, and Kickboxing. Fantastic...
And the real one is: JennRose realllly needs to do her chem homework :)
so..after having a facebook page for so long, i have started thinking in facebook statuses. Sad..i know, but i also know i'm not the only one that does it. If i updated my status as much as i changed my mind i would drive everyone on my friends list insane. I could get a twitter. that's all they do, but then i feel like i would be giving in to needless peer pressure. And that would just encourage me to text..for absolutely no reason. I mean, who really cares what my status update says? Anway here's some status crack...
JennRose: wishes she could stay
JennRose: hates driving in the rain, but thinks lightning shows are fantastic
JennRose: dances on tables. and yeah..she's sober
JennRose: has a Taylor Swift song playing on a loop "you were wild and crazy, just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated, got away by some mistake and now..." stupid Taylor
JennRose: thinks sequin miniskirts are not school appropriate...maybe not club appropriate...maybe Dargan Street appropriate. yeah...probably
JennRose: zoned out for an hour? Not good. Hope these notes go up online...
JennRose: needs train support
JennRose: adores smiley faces :)
JennRose: quiere voy a Mexico
JennRose: wishes she could compete......
JennRose: is looking foward to Zumba, Bootcamp, and Kickboxing. Fantastic...
And the real one is: JennRose realllly needs to do her chem homework :)
Saturday, May 15, 2010
love affair
Found the key to my lockbox today while unpacking. Excitedly looked through journals from the past 8 years. Even from a young age i was both a romantic and a cynic. Such a romantic....and always had a love affair with poetry.
Some things never change
Some things never change
Friday, May 14, 2010
long and rambly
so i am alone for the first time in literally...3 weeks? it feels weird. My backyard went from looking like a used car lot to having Farrah standing (sitting?) all by her lonesome. Poor thing. I was told i need to update since the last time i updated was a few weeks ago after Hope's birthday party. And the only reason i did that was to remind myself that i was happy even when other people tried to bring me back to reality :/ reality...*cough* anyway this is going to be long and rambling since i havent thought any of it out and i am just typing as things come to me. SOOO when you see stars like this **** that means i am changing thoughts and topics completely and one idea is probably not the least related to the previous. i'm sure you can follow...so..
**********
Recently i have begun to start letting myself feel emotions again. Well letting isnt the right word, i cant really control how i feel, but i am not stopping them. See, the back story here is that in highschool i didnt exactly handle things healthily (??) I let my emotions take over some times and ended up in a place i really didnt want to be in..I got out thanks to the help of an AMAZING woman named Mitzi, and God I'm going to miss her. She helped me channel things better, but i dont think she would be happy with me. i kind of took her advice to the next level and forced myself not to give in to any emotion..rather than take it in doses. So this past Sunday night i was talking to someone and i got upset. And i cried. That might not seem like a big deal, but i honestly can't remember the last time that i let myself cry out of hurt/anger/frustration etc. instead of thinking ok..let's go run/walk/lift weights/etc. until you dont feel this anymore. I felt frustrated and upset and i allowed myself feel that way. I'm not going to say it was a good feeling, it sucked :/ but it was worth it.
But, it hasnt just been bad feelings. I've been happy. Really happy. And i find myself smiling for no particular reason and people look at me and are always going "what?" and i feel silly saying "i dont know, i'm just in a good mood" :)
************
So this coming out thing...i dont know, i've been watching a lot of the L-word and i guess i have girl problems on the brain. i actually have told quite a few people, and i'm not really sure what the big deal is because everyone i have personally told has been like "yeah...we kind of figured". But there are some things that need clearing up and i feel a little iffy about doing it on blogspot because i dont know who exactly reads this...and its going to kind of hit everybody at once. But I know for a fact that some people read it and it'll be easier to explain it to you guys this way that retelling it over and over. So judge if you want. Can this be my version of a youtube video??
I am not gay. Thought i would throw that out there. I am attracted to guys. i just also happen to be attracted to some girls as well. I also dont really like the term bisexual because i'm not, but i mean..call it what you want. whatever makes you happy. I am around girls, "women", most of the time, so you think that would come easier, but it's harder for me to develop feelings for them, it comes more naturally for guys, guess it's been ingrained you know? But i havent met any guys that i would actually like to have a relationship with. Girls i have. i guess it's just a different kind of attraction. (on a side-note i am starting to remember why i avoided this kind of stuff in highschool. :/ relationship madness. all the girls i know are always fighting. Apparently it's what they do.)
I feel like people are going to read this and feel the urge to pray for me. So please do, i mean, if you want to. I always appreciate prayers and God knows i need them recently. Thanks for caring about me enough that you want me to be in good standing, if you disagree with me, please don't try to "talk" to me about it. But really, prayers are good.
And this is me rambling..and becoming useless so i am going to stop on this topic altogether.
*****************
i like her --->
i think she is pretty attractive. Her hair does weird things though. she actually looks a lot like a girl i used to know, who coincidently i also thought was pretty attractive. I am not super huge fan of her character, but they do give her a few insightful lines, which i love. I've only seen season one...so, cant judge yet
********
Went with Christina to get her newest tattoo yesterday and it got me super siked to get mine. Also, pretty nervous not going to lie. I am a little ticklish and i REALLY dont want to jump and mess it up. that would suck...
So real quick recap of my weekend. Sam came down and spent a few days with me before summer classes start. We finally got around to watching Avatar. We watched Christina put her trampoline together. Then the three of us got to play on it :D finally. Watched Ironman2, watched first season of the L-word. Went to FDT and got my school stuff straightened out. My id picture sucks. Whats new? Went to the beach twice. Can't believe that believe that summer classes start Monday.
*******
Sometimes i wish i could do what i wanted to do without being scared about other people reactions. I mean, if i knew how things would turn out ahead of time that would be great. "So...if i do this things could be screwed up forever...ok then, i wont do it" or "So..if i do this, it will turn out great and everything will fall into place. Awesome. go for it"
I'm kind of tired of self-control. Just saying.
**********
Recently i have begun to start letting myself feel emotions again. Well letting isnt the right word, i cant really control how i feel, but i am not stopping them. See, the back story here is that in highschool i didnt exactly handle things healthily (??) I let my emotions take over some times and ended up in a place i really didnt want to be in..I got out thanks to the help of an AMAZING woman named Mitzi, and God I'm going to miss her. She helped me channel things better, but i dont think she would be happy with me. i kind of took her advice to the next level and forced myself not to give in to any emotion..rather than take it in doses. So this past Sunday night i was talking to someone and i got upset. And i cried. That might not seem like a big deal, but i honestly can't remember the last time that i let myself cry out of hurt/anger/frustration etc. instead of thinking ok..let's go run/walk/lift weights/etc. until you dont feel this anymore. I felt frustrated and upset and i allowed myself feel that way. I'm not going to say it was a good feeling, it sucked :/ but it was worth it.
But, it hasnt just been bad feelings. I've been happy. Really happy. And i find myself smiling for no particular reason and people look at me and are always going "what?" and i feel silly saying "i dont know, i'm just in a good mood" :)
************
So this coming out thing...i dont know, i've been watching a lot of the L-word and i guess i have girl problems on the brain. i actually have told quite a few people, and i'm not really sure what the big deal is because everyone i have personally told has been like "yeah...we kind of figured". But there are some things that need clearing up and i feel a little iffy about doing it on blogspot because i dont know who exactly reads this...and its going to kind of hit everybody at once. But I know for a fact that some people read it and it'll be easier to explain it to you guys this way that retelling it over and over. So judge if you want. Can this be my version of a youtube video??
I am not gay. Thought i would throw that out there. I am attracted to guys. i just also happen to be attracted to some girls as well. I also dont really like the term bisexual because i'm not, but i mean..call it what you want. whatever makes you happy. I am around girls, "women", most of the time, so you think that would come easier, but it's harder for me to develop feelings for them, it comes more naturally for guys, guess it's been ingrained you know? But i havent met any guys that i would actually like to have a relationship with. Girls i have. i guess it's just a different kind of attraction. (on a side-note i am starting to remember why i avoided this kind of stuff in highschool. :/ relationship madness. all the girls i know are always fighting. Apparently it's what they do.)
I feel like people are going to read this and feel the urge to pray for me. So please do, i mean, if you want to. I always appreciate prayers and God knows i need them recently. Thanks for caring about me enough that you want me to be in good standing, if you disagree with me, please don't try to "talk" to me about it. But really, prayers are good.
And this is me rambling..and becoming useless so i am going to stop on this topic altogether.
*****************
i like her --->
i think she is pretty attractive. Her hair does weird things though. she actually looks a lot like a girl i used to know, who coincidently i also thought was pretty attractive. I am not super huge fan of her character, but they do give her a few insightful lines, which i love. I've only seen season one...so, cant judge yet
********
Went with Christina to get her newest tattoo yesterday and it got me super siked to get mine. Also, pretty nervous not going to lie. I am a little ticklish and i REALLY dont want to jump and mess it up. that would suck...
So real quick recap of my weekend. Sam came down and spent a few days with me before summer classes start. We finally got around to watching Avatar. We watched Christina put her trampoline together. Then the three of us got to play on it :D finally. Watched Ironman2, watched first season of the L-word. Went to FDT and got my school stuff straightened out. My id picture sucks. Whats new? Went to the beach twice. Can't believe that believe that summer classes start Monday.
*******
Sometimes i wish i could do what i wanted to do without being scared about other people reactions. I mean, if i knew how things would turn out ahead of time that would be great. "So...if i do this things could be screwed up forever...ok then, i wont do it" or "So..if i do this, it will turn out great and everything will fall into place. Awesome. go for it"
I'm kind of tired of self-control. Just saying.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
last night
I had a really good time last night
Just thought I would write that down somewhere in case i eventually forgot.
a really, really good time
I am such a fan of birthdays
not going to lie
I'm happy
and now i have to do homework
:)
Just thought I would write that down somewhere in case i eventually forgot.
a really, really good time
I am such a fan of birthdays
not going to lie
I'm happy
and now i have to do homework
:)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
social experiment
So impromptu beach trip last night was 89% successful
100% if you count the fact that we did in fact make it up there
and back, and the beach itself was absolutely gorgeous
:)
the -11% came from awkward and tense situations there and back
but whatever. things happen
overall it was good
got back home around 6:30 this morning.
4 hours of sleep :)
got a new piercing today!
my traigus (dont know about the spelling)
it's pretty cool...trying to get used to it
Christina and Miranda both like it
Sam's looks really cool
hmmm
in Broadway tonight at 7:30. Really looking foward to that
so much homework to do...not really thinking about doing it
Completely unmotivated.
Think I am going to pull out the real journal now.
Because there are always going to be some things that one wants to
reflect on and remember, but the world as whole does not need to remember....
I am glad Hope went with us to the beach
It's nice to have someone to talk to
although i'll be sure not to make it a habit
you know what Gibbs says about secrets...
but i also hear that the longer you hold them the heavier they get
I suppose i am doing my own social experiment with the two theories
:)
100% if you count the fact that we did in fact make it up there
and back, and the beach itself was absolutely gorgeous
:)
the -11% came from awkward and tense situations there and back
but whatever. things happen
overall it was good
got back home around 6:30 this morning.
4 hours of sleep :)
got a new piercing today!
my traigus (dont know about the spelling)
it's pretty cool...trying to get used to it
Christina and Miranda both like it
Sam's looks really cool
hmmm
in Broadway tonight at 7:30. Really looking foward to that
so much homework to do...not really thinking about doing it
Completely unmotivated.
Think I am going to pull out the real journal now.
Because there are always going to be some things that one wants to
reflect on and remember, but the world as whole does not need to remember....
I am glad Hope went with us to the beach
It's nice to have someone to talk to
although i'll be sure not to make it a habit
you know what Gibbs says about secrets...
but i also hear that the longer you hold them the heavier they get
I suppose i am doing my own social experiment with the two theories
:)
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